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End of relationship shock

(18 Posts)
Joto369 Tue 29-Nov-16 05:15:46

I'm sat here in utter disbelief at my husbands behaviour but more frighteningly that he thinks it's ok. We've been married less than a year. I found out he kissed a girl (and clearly liked it) earlier this year. She worked with him.Decided to work through it after promising it was me he wanted and adored etc. Has always been a sulked, storming off if he didn't like what he was hearing etc. Two days ago I found a dating site he was active on. Confronted him and wow did I not expect the reaction. Denial even though his life (including his assignment due dates) were in bkack and white chats. Yesterday he lost it. Racing around the house screaming packing and trying to find his passport to go back to Romania. We then had crying, a cut hand and eventually sleep. Thank god my children have left home. I usually try placate but this time I went to bed and coloured. I'm guessing this is all attention seeking behaviour to deflect from his guilt. I'm just shocked as I don't understand how a rational person could behave like this. Anyone have any experience or advice (other than run for the hills)

Shayelle Tue 29-Nov-16 07:23:10

Sounds like a psycho. You clearly need to get rid? flowers

ChuckGravestones Tue 29-Nov-16 07:23:59

Run for the hills

stumblymonkey Tue 29-Nov-16 07:33:17

I didn't want to read and run but what kind of advice are you looking for?

I think everyone who reads this will tell you to leave him....he's cheating, gaslighting you and being emotionally abusive.

What is the cut hand about? Yours or his....and how did it happen?

tribpot Tue 29-Nov-16 07:36:31

Just a standard attempt to manipulate you. I would expect to be told he has a mental illness (anxiety?) and so you have to forgive him - stuff designed to make you feel somehow guilty about kicking him to the kerb. I noticed the behaviour meant that he got to sleep in the house for another night.

You said it yourself: "I usually try to placate". He knows where the power lies in the relationship. Don't placate, regardless of what he says this morning. Good luck.

Aderyn2016 Tue 29-Nov-16 07:43:00

You have only been married a year, no kids together. Seriously, get rid while you still can. He has no intention of being faithful to you. He doesn't love you and certainly has no respect for you or he wouldn't cheat and then gaslight. Gaslighting is worse than the cheating imo - it is so damaging.
If he is looking for his passport you should help him find it and get him gone asap!

Joto369 Tue 29-Nov-16 08:12:18

Thanks folks probably not advice I needed just to have a rant. I'm at a counsellor Wed to help deal with him and solicitor Fridau No kids together thankfully as Im past that stage! No mental illness I'm aware of but I'm no expert. His passport is where I said it was! Haven't spoken to him as I go to work early. I'm just taking the day as it comes 😊

pklme Tue 29-Nov-16 08:53:14

You sound reasonably calm and sorted now, op. What a drama. Hopefully he'll head for the hills without needing too much help from you. Bet you're wondering what that's all about...

Sneakynamechage Tue 29-Nov-16 09:47:14

He quite clearly expected you act like you was in a scene of eastenders when he mentioned his passport. He's trying to gauge your reaction see whether you'll still accept his bullshit.

juneau Tue 29-Nov-16 09:50:56

Well he doesn't sound like he's committed to your marriage and the denial and flying into a rage when you confronted him isn't a great reaction. Unfortunately, I don't think you'll be able to salvage this one. He's just messing you around and is pissed off that you've rumbled him. Since you've been married such a short time and don't have DC I think I'd cut my losses, if it were me. Why put up with this kind of shit?

Joto369 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:09:51

It's a given I'm asking him to leave just need to sort finances etc first. I have a feeling he'll sod off abroad though so need to sort things first

Blossomflowers Tue 29-Nov-16 10:45:58

OPwhen started reading I thought you were both very young ( no excuse) but clearly this is not the case. Run for the hills, he sounds horrid, behaving like this in first year of marriage, there is no hope sorry you are going through this

juneau Tue 29-Nov-16 10:46:23

Fine - so go and see a solicitor this week. If you own joint property and he buggers off overseas that could be to your advantage. If he had debts here that you'll be saddled with, not so much. Romania is in the EU though, as are we for now, so yes, get on it. And if he threatens to leave I'd call his bluff and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out!

Aderyn2016 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:50:29

I'm sure you don't need telling, but make sure he cannot access your money and rin up debts before he pisses off abroad.

Joto369 Tue 29-Nov-16 18:44:53

Just admitted it. Did it for fun. Hilarious. Thankfully my home rented in my name so nothing to sort there. Some bills to sort. That's it.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 30-Nov-16 06:04:53

As you can't file for divorce until you've been married a year you may be best advised to save the money you're about to spend on a consultation with a solicitor and read this: www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

If you have no joint assets such as property, savings, etc to split, I suggest you give consideration to a DIY divorce which you can do onlne at minimal cost.

Please note that although your home is rented in your sole name it is the marital home and, as such, you can't throw him out without a court order untl you are divorced. However, if he 'loses it' again and/or you have reason to fear for his mental health or your safety, call the police and ask them to remove him.

Aderyn2016 Wed 30-Nov-16 07:58:54

Tbh, I'd 'encourage' him to move out. Once he has done so, he doesn't have any automatic right to move back in. When this happened to my friend last year, her solicitor said that in moving out he had given up some of his rights and that my friend was entitled to a private life, so he couldn't just re enter the house at will.

If you threw him out could he afford to take you to court over it, or would he just piss off home?

Joto369 Sun 04-Dec-16 22:02:29

Interesting few days! Thanks for the practical advice which ive taken on board. Seriously think he doesnt know his own mind. Doesnt like being questioned especially the 'if you only spoke to those women cos i didnt talk to you even though you admit you didnt try so i had no idea, when were you planning on talking' question. The answer was he would just have let it go on. Which makes me wonder why the hell he married me! Its not my fault so he says though he blames me. Absolutely nuts.

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