Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Should I just end this..or keep trying?(19 Posts)
I've had to nc for this as family and some friends on here, so can't give out to much detail either but don't really have anyone to talk to in rl.
DP and me have had some problems the last 10 months, I thought we were really getting through them, I've had a lot of therapy etc and have rally began to handle my emotions well (so much so I'm doubting our relationship iyswim) it all came to another head on the weekend when I said to DP that we don't talk/communicate at all. Even little things, (I found out he had reversed into someone's car and he never told me I found out through a mutual friend) why wouldn't you mention it? It was only a very slight bump but still. He said I'm over reacting and we do talk, he also says he's not a big talker but things never were like this before. He then told me he used to really, really love me but he now resents me (for things I've done in the past to do with depression/anger issues. (I'm nearly at end of therapy and on antidepressants and my therapist has told him I've done fabulous and it has been hard work but she's helped me get to the right place now) I've told him I don't expect us to be how we was but he needs to forgive me for problems I've caused so we can move on. He said he doesn't know if things can go back to normal I said I'd leave and he said not too, but I'm not happy with how things are at the moment and knowing he resents me makes me think he won't start to move on. Also We are hardly ever intimate, I am normally the one to initiate and I hate being rejected time after time so I just don't bother anymore. We don't kiss or cuddle very often either. I guess I'm just ranting but would love some advice on my situation. I've come along way mentally and emotionally and I'm very proud of myself. But I feel he's taking it away from me and doesn't see how bloody hard I've worked
I hate to see unanswered threads where the OP is struggling so I will just ask, what would be the point of carrying on?
How long have you been together, OP? Do you have children together? Whose home was it originally?
Sorry, nearly 5years together, and a 9month old dd. It's his house originally too.
Chuck I'd like to try to work things out, I love him dearly and he's a wonderful dad and partner before this.
Kate that's how I sometimes feel
Can someone ever not resent you? That's the hardest part for me.
It's not like I did something extremely terrible, was just anger outbursts from my depression I wouldn't face.
I would stop trying.
In our society for some reason calling time on a relationship is met as though it were giving up, even when it's the logical sensible thing to do.
there are no medals given out for struggling on.
I think when people around us are erratic or aggressive, we protect ourselves by stopping caring. It's quite hard to rebuild that, just because the problems stop. My relationship has been a bit like yours, and there is no longer any intimacy. To rebuild it will take patience and good intentions on both sides,
From the other side of that, having been with someone who suffered badly with depression, would take it out on me, say horrendous things, I can say that it is so hard to be on the receiving end of someone's depression. I ended it. He was heartbroken, and still is months on. He still doesn't even understand the issues despite me spelling it all out. Hugs, I'm sorry xx
Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge.
An ex of mine treated me badly, by the time he realised and tried to fix things it was too late for me.
With hindsight I could see how the issues might have been his mental health which makes me empathise with him but it couldn't make me love him again.
However I think it's not fair for him to keep using the past against you- he either forgives you and you both work on the relationship or he doesn't and he should end it, being awful to you until you're forced to end things is cowardly
I'm sorry you went through a tough time OP and it's great you are getting help and support and starting to see things more clearly. My partner also suffered/suffers with depression.
From my perspective It was awful to watch the person I love all but disappear on me. It broke my heart. It was very hard for me to stay strong, to get them the helped they needed (he couldn't see, what was so obvious to me) it knocked me down a long way, because I felt so rejected, and for me it was hard too, just in a different way and much harder for him I understand that. At times I didn't like him very much, I loved him with all my heart but at times I didn't like him very much.
The thing is, OP, like you, my DP was unwell you don't chastise unwell people in my mind you help them.
When he started to get help, I saw him come back to me. It was a difficult journey for us both, but I don't resent him, I've never resented him, I'm incredibly proud of him for getting help that was really hard for him to do.
Not everybody can do that.
If you think your partner was happier when you were unwell, then it's time to call it a day. As your well being is too important.
But, do you think maybe he struggled more than he can cope with? Or vocalise? Maybe he needs to talk to someone (that's not you) about how he feels too. It's very difficult being the loved one of someone with depression
Thankyou all for your replies, penguin, I've suggested this to him and he says he speaks to his closest friend about it, which is fine. I feel like I've totally lost him now and I'm truly sorry for what I've put him through, but I'm tired of walking on egg shells now and I feel like he's bringing me down mentally. My mental health is more important to me than living on egg shells. I think I'm going to call it a day. I've really, really had enough.
It's just come to blows now because I didn't realise I only had 1 anti d left so I've ordered my prescription online ready to collect tomorrow and he's started shouting at me saying I best bloody take them etc and I'm doing it to stop taking them. (Not true and intake them in front of him, not so he can see just because I take them as soon as I've finished dinner) and that he's scared I won't take them. I've told him I want to, I don't want to feel like I felt before but all this seems to go unheard.
You are right, you have to look after your own mental health as a priority, you sound really strong
Would he be open to getting some counselling/therapy himself?
It does sound like he is struggling to cope with your illness.
Sometimes when one person gets better the person whose been holding it together too long can fall apart.
I agree you need to look after your mental health, but I wouldn't make any rash decisions. You have both been through a great deal.
I think following your update it sounds like he is scared actually. He needs to talk to a professional too, IMO.
I actually have been having counselling for something else (miscarriage related) and my fear of my partners depression returning has come up, I don't think I realised how worried I was that it may come back.
I'm sounding stronger here than I actually am!
He has said before he would consider relationship counselling after my therapy, but I don't think he would go for any therapy/counselling for himself as he's still adamant everything is me. Hands up it has been 98% of the time!
I think your doing very well
It takes a lot of courage to say what you have said
I would say that relationship counselling is worth giving a go and it is likely he will come to realise that he is not perfect and needs to change - most of all need to communicate after all!
I'll bring the subject up again about relationship counselling then follow on to seeing if he thinks he would benefit from some even if it's not yet. I really would love to sort this out and I'm going to give it some time after reading all your comments and really work hard at it and hope he does too. Thankyou all for being so nice
It is going to take work on his side too, you can't fix it all on your own.
Maybe you both need some time to talk about it all with honesty, I really hope it works out for you
Join the discussion
Please login first.