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Not So Happy Families? You're not alone

(146 Posts)
Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 19:07:36

'Tis the season to be jolly....

<sarcastic> ha ha ha ha ha - ha ha ha haaaaa

Sound like you? Pull up a pew and make yourself at home here.

Our TVs and FBs are all full of Happy family stuff, and while some are excited and looking forward to it all, some others feel alone, sad and lost. Worse, some even feel anxious or full of fear as to how the hell they'll make it through.

If you're facing a less than festive season, if you can't sort out your feelings, are trying to placate the unplacatable, or just stuck in the middle of a war of inlaws, please feel free to post for a release, or perhaps a bit of advice or coping strategies.

This is your safe place to be. Even on Christmas Day if you're posting from the loo.. this thread is for you.. smile

There are plenty of us who no have no family contact due to previous issues, or who have to manage the crisis every family gathering.

BabyCentaurMortificaco Mon 28-Nov-16 19:10:32

Love. It!

I'm in! Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against Christmas but the fucking forcedness of everything Gahhhh.

BillericayDuckie Mon 28-Nov-16 19:17:58

Oh my goodness. I so need this thread.

This will be my first Christmas on my own since separating from my STBXH. The kids will be with him Christmas Day. I will be with my parents. Whoop.

It's not even December yet and am struggling to deal with all the "Christmas Happiness" out there. I've never felt so alone!

Afrovenator Mon 28-Nov-16 19:29:51

I'm on my own for the first time this Christmas. Dd's are with STBXH and his family. NC with Dm for a number of years, bro1 lives abroad, bro2 they're due any day now, bro3 is away. I'm thinking of volunteering somewhere for the afternoon.

I second that, never felt as alone, unsupported, unloved as I do atm. To be fair that's got more to do with my cockwomblewankbadger STBXH.

fc301 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:33:19

DH & I have already agreed we're unplugging the phone.

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 19:34:05

Welcome both! Make yourselves at home!

Billaricay (((hug))) I can't imagine how that is, I have nothing and nobody apart from my ds, if not with him..

Are your family ok? Will they make a fuss of you?

You're bound to feel down, but it will pass and you will have the dc back with you afterwards

Could you have a special Christmas with them before the day itself?

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 19:36:19

((((Avro))) hug for you too.

Unplugging the phone is very freeing fc301

BillericayDuckie Mon 28-Nov-16 19:58:28

Needed that hug hissy, thanks!

Yes my parents will make a fuss and the big day will be their standard lovely day... I just don't think my brave face will last all day (especially if alcohol involved) and I don't want to ruin it for everyone else!

Boxing Day with my girls will be my special day.

Avro - feeling unsupported is the worst. Had a minor surgical procedure today. It was fine, but quite painful. Then made my own way back to an empty home and sobbed as I just needed to curl up with a loved one and be cuddled. So far, nobody has contacted me to see how I am either!

Parsley1234 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:05:21

I'm in !! No family bar my beautiful 13 year old, boyfriend and I are in final relationship throws, facing 50 in feb, been invited to Christmas events wanting to make ex use upon excuse to not attend feel too miserable to say the truth no not visiting family for Christmas, no no plans, my boyfriend and I were be finished by Christmas, oh yes working all over Christmas when son goes to his dads etc feeling totally and utterly negative and done in by Christmas expectations already !

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 20:12:12

Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the event itself.

Sometimes it's ok to feel shit, to feel sorry for ourselves and yes, to cry.

Well, now you know you have somewhere to come to chat and be heard.

MagicChanges Mon 28-Nov-16 20:25:29

Thank you for starting this thread. I don't have any particular trauma but it's not been a good year. I worry more about people out there who are struggling for whatever reason, r/ship problems, bereavement, financial, housing, homelessness, emotional whatever...............and all these bloody TV ads with 15 people all jolly round a table crammed with food and then a woman (who has certainly not been cooking all morning) comes in and places a perfectly cooked turkey in the middle of the table. I know this sounds odd but surely everything would be cold if the turnkey had to be carved at the table!

It's all a commercial racket that so many people fall for - and life for so many many people is nothing like the TV ads - a million miles away. Suicide rates increase over christmas as people feel their loneliness more and any divorce lawyer will tell you that January is the busiest month of the year. Nuff said!

SeriousSteve Mon 28-Nov-16 20:32:14

Thanks for making the thread Hissy smile

I've finally admitted to myself the reason I find Christmas time so difficult is because of the emotional abuse I suffered for many years, my narc mother being especially difficult and taken to a mental health hospital on one Christmas Day. Having emotional abuse on my birthday, at Christmas time.

19 years after moving out of home she still kicks off at me hardcore. It still causes so much pain, yet at least I have support from my DW and DD. 19 years to admit to myself certain truths.

Counselling starts this December, I hope it can help turn Christmas into a peaceful, fun, loving time.

saltydogandme Mon 28-Nov-16 20:33:24

BOOM, I'm in. Dreading it and will def be posting from the loos.

Afrovenator Mon 28-Nov-16 22:04:56

flowerschocolate Billaricay rest up and hope you feel better soon. It's rubbish not having someone there when you're feeling vunreable.

YY to the comercial racket. I've always found the excess incredibly off putting, I'm not a Christmassy person anyway, I'm making more of an effort this year because it's the first year that dd's are more aware of it.

sconebonjovi Mon 28-Nov-16 22:05:04

I'm in. I fucking hate Christmas. Am currently being hounded by my mother and father about going to visit them. Unfortunately they are emotionally abusive narcissists, and DH's family aren't miles better. The last Christmas we visited we both cried our eyes out for about half an hour on the drive home. Only thing is I feel incredibly guilty about is my lovely nan not getting to see my DC, as my mother won't bring her to visit us. Ba humbug

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 22:08:29

Welcome all!

Well done SeriousSteve so brace! It won't always be easy, but you'll work through a lot and get a lot of healing. Took me until I was in my 40s to see how bloody awful my parents were.

As lonely as I have felt, I think it's important to remember that some do have wonderful times and therefore somehow it's possible for us, one day to have our own happiness

But yeah, at our darkest moments... it's crap and we feel so insignificant.

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 22:09:04

Brace = brave...

Funko Mon 28-Nov-16 22:20:06

So 3 Christmas previous, I was miserable in my marriage, utterly soul destroying and being forced to keep up appearance for friends and family alike. February I called time on it. Now divorced and all very amicable.

2 and 1 christmases ago I was in the most God awful relationship (ridiculously long story involving mental health issues -his), most miserable time ever.

This year, I am very happily single. Refusing all 'obligations', I will do exactly as I please when I please. Will have a lovely time just me and DS and when he is at his dads I will just CHILL on my own. Safe in the knowledge I'm not doing anything because it's fucking expected and spending time with people I can't bloody stand lol.

I know people find it tough on their own but I bloody relish it. Peace! Calm!

🎄🍷

Dawndonnaagain Mon 28-Nov-16 22:30:51

First one without stbxh too. Adult children will all be here, but in the afternoon I will be dropping off any that choose to visit him (that will be one or two out of four, unlikely that it'll be all four). I will be providing him with a (cooked by me and then taken by them) dinner and then either waiting for a few hours in a car, on Christmas day, to take them home, or driving back later to pick them up.
I'm in two minds as to how I feel about things, the oldest ds said to me the other day that he was looking forward to no atmosphere on Christmas morning along with no sulks, isolation, complaints and handing back of presents. I'm looking forward to that too, but I'm worried about the guilt he may try to pile on them in the afternoon.

TheHandmaidsTale Mon 28-Nov-16 22:36:25

Dreading it. Last year was terrible. My dad was in the midst of a drug crisis and was very abusive towards my mum. He is now in prison but I'm doing my best to try to support him whilst dealing with the conflicting feelings.

My mum is depressed and hasn't got over the marriage break up yet (understandably). Currently she seems to be ignoring my texts to see when she is in to go visit her. The last text I got was about how I was busy with my dad, brother etc... She doesn't speak to my brother as they fell out as he thought she didn't give a crap about him/his son. His gf has said some bad things to my mum which has made it all worse.

Haven't seen her for over a month either as I've been very busy with work. The only time she's contacted me has been to almost try to argue with me about why I haven't given her updates on dad's situation and to cry down the phone to me.

Very caught in the middle. Feel like no one in my family acknowledges that this is very hard for me still and that I'm not taking sides I just want to speak to everyone.

I assumed we'd have my mum, sister and grandad over on xmas... but that depends on whether they want to come to ours or not. I don't want to go there, too many bad memories now. I want a new start almost but my mum won't like that.

Just feeling a bit like giving up and just staying at mine with my partner... I really wanted to go away but I mentioned it to my mum and she looked devestated. Plus we can't afford it. sad

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 22:53:07

Handmaid my love, you're trying to please everyone and the one person who isn't being considered in all this is YOU!

Your situation sounds extremely complicated and tbh looks like nobody will come out winning.

You however are coming out losing in all this.

Explain to your mum how you're busy, that you'd like to see her but that you'll wait to hear from her, when she's ready

You have been through a lot, you need time to process that too.

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 22:55:02

Funko so glad you're coming to find peace and your own confidence

Sounds like you've had a tough road too, happy to hear you're further along it now smile

Hissy Mon 28-Nov-16 22:57:55

Dawndonna I know you've had a tough time to, but your son may have hit the nail on the head,

Remember your ex makes his one choices, the consequences are for him and him alone. Just balance his crap with your love.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 28-Nov-16 22:59:59

Thanks for the thread and I'm so sorry some of you are having a shit time.

I'm looking forward to lots about this Xmas, time with family and we have my DSC, also first one in our new house.

But I was meant to be fat, sleepy and quite a lot pregnant and I lost my baby a couple of weeks ago and my heart is a little bit broken.

Nothing feels like it was supposed to. This won't be our last Xmas before we have a baby and the new year looks sad rather than hopeful and exciting.

FeelTheNoise Mon 28-Nov-16 23:10:46

I'm in! My first Christmas away from home, we've moved to get away from XP. I miss my friends, my home, everything.

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