Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just found out about affair, what to do next?

(164 Posts)
user1469355808 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:58:14

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

Malteaser80 Mon 28-Nov-16 16:06:16

Hi! I am so sorry that you are going though this. 6 months ago I discovered my exh was having an affair, after he had attempted to tell me that 'we' weren't happy and denying there was anyone else.
I went a bit Eastenders and packed him off with bin bags, however in hindsight I probably would have bided my time. My circumstances were slightly different in that the house etc was mine.
You should consider taking legal advice as soon as possible especially if everything is in his name. Find out where you stand on a legal footing and then approach him. You then have a couple of weeks to formulate a plan before his return.

Hillfarmer Mon 28-Nov-16 16:09:38

Go and see a solictor while he is away. Doesn't matter if your name is not on the deeds, the marital assets (including the house) are half yours because you are married. Just make sure you register an interest in the property (with the Land Registry) so he can't mortgage it from underneath you without you knowing. Any solicitor will sort this out for you pronto.

I would use this time to get your ducks in a row.

user1469355808 Mon 28-Nov-16 16:27:35

Thanks for the advice. I know that is the best route. Just have to figure out how to not say anything until he leaves.

GeminisTwin Mon 28-Nov-16 16:29:06

No great advice for you I'm afraid but wanted to say I was thinking of you

Kr1stina Mon 28-Nov-16 16:29:31

Say nothing until you have things sorted legally .

Come on here and vent.

Rumtopf Mon 28-Nov-16 16:33:57

Be cautious and bide your time. Use the time he's away to make copies of all documentation - pensions, investments, bank accounts, mortgage statement etc. Do some research and have a good idea of what your house is worth. Go and see a solicitor with all of these documents to hand and get some proper advice.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 28-Nov-16 16:37:48

I'm so sorry. You may have already thought about this but, you should book an sti check.

user1469355808 Mon 28-Nov-16 16:46:28

Thanks for the support guys. I've suspected him for years so have always had regular sti checks. He has always denied even when the first time turned up that I had chlamydia! Actually will get next one booked in pronto. Quick question, who do you go to first, mediators or solicitors? I've read online that the mediator is the first step but do I go to the solicitor first to register an interest in the property?

MrsBertBibby Mon 28-Nov-16 16:58:33

Family solicitor here: you don't have to see a solicitor before a mediator, but in my experience mediation is more likely to work if you have seen a solicitor first so have a better idea of what is reasonable.

Plenty of clients come back during mediation, advice from a lawyer can support the mediation process.

Hidingtonothing Mon 28-Nov-16 16:59:36

I can see it will be very hard to bite your tongue but I think it's vital that you do. Having time to get things in order and protect yourself financially will put you in a much stronger position (and hit him much harder than you venting your rage on him now) in the long run. Making sure you and the DC are secure financially is so important and he doesn't sound like the sort of man who will treat you fairly when you divorce if he's capable of the level of deceit you've discovered so you have to box clever. I would look forward to being able to tell him that you know everything and have made sure you have the means to take every penny you and the DC are entitled to, that would make it worth waiting to vent my fury for me. Cold, hard anger will serve you better for the time being than letting your hurt take over if you can manage it, I do feel for you though OP flowers

MrsBertBibby Mon 28-Nov-16 17:00:22

And get your home rights registered asap.

www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce/overview

OohhThatsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 17:01:52

If you are scared of him in any way, mediation's not your answer.

Well done on getting the evidence like that - he underestimated you.

I wouldn't let on at all and would tell him while he's away. You need to make sure that you're okay financially etc - if he knew now that you know, he could really mess things up for you.

What will he expect from you before Wednesday? Conversation? Sex?

And do you have anyone you can spend Christmas with? I wonder whether, once he's told, he'll just stay away for Christmas anyway.

Ellisandra Mon 28-Nov-16 17:05:20

You don't need a mediator in the first instance. Mediators are for if you don't agree - then I believe that you're expected to have mediation not just go to court. But you can start with a solicitor. If your proposals for child arrangements and financial split are legally reasonable, there may be no need for mediation.

Good luck flowers

user1469355808 Mon 28-Nov-16 17:09:00

Ahhhhhhhh he's home. Hope I don't bite my tongue off. Grrrrr

Hidingtonothing Mon 28-Nov-16 17:14:00

Just keep thinking of his face when he realises that not only do you know everything but you've got your ducks in a row and he won't be able to shaft you financially, it will be worth the wait OP.

DiegeticMuch Mon 28-Nov-16 17:42:44

Try to keep quiet OP! Thinking of you.

Ring a solicitor early tomorrow, get an appointment before the weekend. When he's next out, photocopy or photograph pension/bank/investments/mortgage statements and his most recent payslip - all the financial stuff you can think of, really. Read up on divorce at gov.uk.

Horsemad Mon 28-Nov-16 17:48:11

And delete your history if he has access to the device you posted from.

ohfourfoxache Mon 28-Nov-16 17:53:58

Keep calm. You can do this.

Just wait until he's away then get very, very busy. The tosser won't know what's hit him when he gets back.

EweAreHere Mon 28-Nov-16 17:56:43

Bide your time, good plan.

As soon as he's off on his trip, get your ducks in a row.

TheCraicDealer Mon 28-Nov-16 18:00:04

If you need to vent do it here. Good luck OP, you clever woman.

happypoobum Mon 28-Nov-16 18:07:12

Yes, get lawyered up and keep quiet until he is safely out of the country. Then when you have all your ducks in a row, message him saying that you know and you have sent all his belongings to his mum/office/latest mistress.

Also, have a good hunt out of his pensions/shares/any assets and savings as half of everything is yours. How old are the DC? He will have to pay 20% of his take home pay minimum for them, and possibly spousal maintenance for you. A local solicitor will be your best bet for getting appropriate specific advice on the financial aspects.

Good luck flowers

oldlaundbooth Mon 28-Nov-16 18:39:32

Forward all the emails to a Dropbox account, you never know, he might have access to your email. Don't use a USB, use Dropbox or Google Cloud.

SmallTownTwirl Mon 28-Nov-16 18:43:09

Blimey. Good luck. Keep schtumm and lawyer up.

brew

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Nov-16 18:59:22

Wow. I don't know how you will keep this to yourself but you will be doing yourself a massive favour if you can keep quiet and get all your ducks in a row. I would use the emails as an incentive to him to behave like some kind of human being. Once he's left on the next trip, it's the last time. It's not his house BTW. Good luck. Feign illness x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now