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Porn for women is not the same!

(33 Posts)
Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 05:51:25

Not sure where I'm going with this, but would like other opinions, as I'm being made to feel as if my opinion is an overreaction. I'll try to keep it short.
Been with DP for 20 years, have kids. There is a possibility he cheated a few years into the relationship (denied), and also had his eye on someone he had worked with for a few years with a view to leaving me. Apparently she wasn't interested and he stopped communications. (If I had known all the details at the time I wouldn't have bothered staying.) He said these things happened when we were going through a rough patch, strangely hadn't mentioned to me how bad it was at the time.

Anyway, things have been largely good in the meantime, although I have had my doubtful moments here and there, not helped by the fact that every so often I come across shit loads of porn on his computer despite the fact he has said he won't look at it. And uses incognito browsing, so there's plenty I don't know about. I did react badly the first time I found it, although I have a bigger problem with the ongoing secrecy and lies, tbh. We've had a 'rough patch' for the past few months, with related arguments. Now he's suffering from ED. Blamed it on me and my trust issues, then medication. Doc reckons it's psychological and gave him some Viagra type tablets until his confidence came back. Tried one recently and it didn't seem to make a difference. Funnily, he's good to go 2 or 3 nights anyway if he's in the mood. I recently tried a few different things to spice up the bedroom, was good for a while but he told me the other day it's too much effort and he just wants vanilla sex. All well and good, but I had discovered I liked the spicy stuff! I tried to explain this, he just said his libido may come back when things settle down ie I stop getting on his case.

I really don't get how he reckons he has no libido when he's up for it on his terms when he's horny. I asked what I should do in the meantime, he said he'd had to go with porn and masturbation when he wanted sex and I wasn't in the mood....(??small children, insecurity about cheating/porn??)...is he taking the piss? I've never given him reason to feel insecure about our relationship and he's saying I should be patient until his libido comes back and use porn?!?

Porn for women is notoriously lacking, plus it doesn't help with the anticipation and sensations which are a big part of it for me. Am I just being a selfish cow? Or does he just want it all on his own terms?

TheSparrowhawk Mon 28-Nov-16 07:07:21

You are focusing on the porn to avoid the fact that you're with a cheating idiot.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 28-Nov-16 07:39:09

His addiction to porn has caused him to become accustomed to the 'death grip' which is why he can't get it up with you.

If he hit his porn habit on the head he wouldn't need Viagra.

Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 07:51:07

In all honesty, I don't think he has a porn addiction. When I say I come across it every so often it's really not that often at all. I don't go looking for it, but have stumbled across stuff maybe once every few years, looking into it shows a few days of lots of viewing for a couple of months at a time. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression there. (Of course, who knows what goes on in incognito?) My main issue atm is trying to understand his libido comments! I don't get how he can say he's lost it if he's fine 2/3 days a week, feels like an excuse for something to me.

user1477054316 Mon 28-Nov-16 08:13:19

But the fact he's browsing incognito could be hiding the reasons behind his libido/ability to have physical sex at times.

growapear Mon 28-Nov-16 08:25:44

I'm not sure this death grip thing is even real, speaking as man. How old is he ? Sounds like he is saying he has a low libido because he's a lazy bastard or just isn't that interested in a decent sex life with you sad

BreatheDeep Mon 28-Nov-16 08:28:41

Are you saying he wants sex 2-3 times a week but you're not in the mood? And if you are in the mood he's not? Because that isn't a libido issue. I'm really sorry but to me that sounds like he doesn't want sex with you for some reason. It could be linked to the porn use. It sounds like he's making excuses.

Simonneilsbeard Mon 28-Nov-16 08:46:43

Sounds like he just wants sex on his terms and doesn't want to be assed about making you happy or satisfying your needs.

PsychedelicSheep Mon 28-Nov-16 08:50:49

The death grip thing is absolutely real growapear.

You don't sound particularly sexually compatible OP.

Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 09:20:58

We're in our 40s, so plenty of reasons why libido could change I guess. I think previously, for reasons already mentioned, he had the higher libido, but I certainly wasn't turning him down all the time. At the worst point it was about once a fortnight (apart from the few months recovering from childbirth injury). Now that the kids are older and I have more time to myself I'm in the mood quite regularly. I get that he is tired from work etc, and maybe only feels up to it a few times a week, but why is he using his libido as an excuse? Does it only turn on a few times a week!?? (when he wants it). I suppose I'm feeling resentful that MY libido has been repressed so often as he chose a job where he spends a lot of time away, when I wasn't happy with the decision. It feels a bit like he's having a dig with the porn and masturbation comments. And he's annoyed I'm not more sympathetic about the ED. I obviously don't understand it enough. Could I be putting him off/scaring him away with the interest in kinky stuff?

Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 09:21:42

Sheep- yes, I'm beginning to wonder about that!

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe Mon 28-Nov-16 09:33:50

The idea of 'death grip' is utter bollocks. There is no medical evidence for it. The most likely reason is psychological and/or the fact he is just really lazy.

growapear Mon 28-Nov-16 09:36:54

Do you have a penis simonneilsbeard ?

MorrisZapp Mon 28-Nov-16 09:39:37

Wtf is the death grip?

growapear Mon 28-Nov-16 09:44:59

Morris

I understand it is used to describe the process by which man is unable to gain sexual satisfaction from sex with a woman because he has gotten so used to mastrurbating himself with a tight grip.

growapear Mon 28-Nov-16 09:46:31

Sorry addressed my earlier response to the wrong poster, should have been psychedelicsheep

MorrisZapp Mon 28-Nov-16 09:51:34

Well isn't that a cheery thought. Actually it explains Brian the carpet fitter. He seemed so nice, so into me and wildly horny yet towards the end he pulled out and frantically finished himself off with his hand.

Aaargh.

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 10:02:03

You could get a vibrator for when he's not in the mood. Love honey do the rabbit or there's the silver bullet on amazon.

Perhaps he's just not in the mood sometimes like he says and is too lazy to bother with the spiced up sex.

He's creating a potential problem though. You could find the spice eleswhere and he'll be kicking himself.

LouisvilleLlama Mon 28-Nov-16 10:11:50

I think masturbation and sex are different sometimes you just want the release without worrying about a partners satisfaction or the effort. If he's really not feeling up to it whilst you like the spicy stuff as you say If you aren't feeling to sexual i can imagine it makes it more unappealing

Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 10:42:44

You're probably right Llama, guess it's my turn to be bored and unfulfilled! hmm

LouisvilleLlama Mon 28-Nov-16 10:56:20

Obviously that's not ideal, and you'd hope nobody was going to have sex they don't want. Hopefully it doesn't spiral into something bigger and can be sorted out soon. If it's psychological he said it's you and medication, is there anything else that you know of that it could be? I'm not looking for you to spiel everything but hopefully if there is it may be resolved soon and you can get back on track

Simonneilsbeard Mon 28-Nov-16 11:00:33

Iv had a good google and 'death grip' definitely seems to be a thing.

LouisvilleLlama Mon 28-Nov-16 11:07:40

I wonder what counts as death grip is it enough for some just to masturbates with barely open grip probably not but is it the case that some men are literally choking them chicken literally trying to squeeze its guts out

Jellybellyqueen Mon 28-Nov-16 11:11:17

I really don't know, Llama. Doc doesn't think it's his meds, could be just his reaction to me I guess. Yes, I have been on at him recently about his porn and stuff, but that's because he never gives a straight answer the first time. Which creates a vicious cycle of distrust and evasion. I understand how this might interfere with his libido and elections, but why not all the time? Is it just that he's physically worn out by the weekend? Dunno, and he's not talking!

Simonneilsbeard Mon 28-Nov-16 11:14:02

From what Iv read it's simply sensitivity loss due to a prolonged period of unvaried masturbation. It's completely reversible ..all it takes is to avoid masturbation for a while.

Doesnt sound like it's the op's partners problem ..only she would know for sure.

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