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Living together for DC sake - can it work?

(15 Posts)
SunnyInMay Sun 27-Nov-16 23:52:10

I've been with DP for 15 years since we were very young. We have two small DC aged 2 and 4 and I'm due with our third in spring.

There are massive trust issues which I don't think I can get past mainly around other women. Recent issues are not cheating but flirty contact with women online. At least one of these women is somebody he has met and lives fairly local. Apparently his mate's gf.

Anyway this has been the straw that broke the camel's back. The trust has gone and as much as I love him I don't think there's a way forward.

We've just moved into a new house together. He adores the DC and they adore him. I couldn't ask him to leave. Is there a way this can work? Living together, being civil, for their sake?

BumDNC Sun 27-Nov-16 23:58:59

If he adores the DC why is he messing about with other women hmm

Only you can decide if you want to do this. It would entail separate bedrooms and possibly the acceptance one or both of you (possibly him sooner than you) meeting someone else. How would that feel?

Also is this a good example to set your children of what a relationship looks like?

Is he sorry? Have you thought about relate?

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 00:07:46

It has worked, but your kids are very young. Can you live like this for the next 16 to 18 years?

If you has a 15 year old, then maybe you could until their GCSEs were done, but don't subject yourself to this life for so long.

They can still see him if you seperate. He could have quality time with them too.

In your living together idea, would you both be free to see other people? Would that be the end of your physical relationship with him?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 28-Nov-16 00:12:08

I don't think that's healthy. You're basically considering teaching your children that being a philanderer is ok.

STBXDP needs to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Go make your own life with the DC's and give yourself a chance at actual happiness with somebody else.

SunnyInMay Mon 28-Nov-16 00:14:16

I guess the idea of him moving out seems so final and I'm not ready for it yet. This latest incident has happened in the last couple of days, or rather I discovered it within the last couple of days. I'm still trying to get my head around it all.

I'm absolutely devastated. He was my first boyfriend and we've been together for half of my life sad I've never had to deal with heartbreak or relationship breakups before.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 28-Nov-16 00:17:11

Fear of the unknown is awful. And understandable. But you have to look at the long and short term of this...

How unhappy/have you been living in this limbo?

How long would it take to finalise/end your relationship?

How many years would you have to stay together otherwise?

When is the next time you can actually be happy?

Don't waste your life on somebody who isn't worth it

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 00:19:45

Why does he continue doing it, knowing how you feel?

He thinks you'll never leave him and takes advantage of that. You need to show him he will. I have men in affairs say "my wife wouldn't leave even if she knew". I hate the arrogance and the overconfident nature.

Start standing up for yourself and he'll know you aren't going to be a doormat anymore.

A loving father doesn't do this to the mother of his children. He's risking their home stability and comfort. How is that being a good father?

CockacidalManiac Mon 28-Nov-16 00:22:59

This kind of situation would drive anyone slowly mad; don't do that to yourself.
It's not viable for the next how many years.

Hidingtonothing Mon 28-Nov-16 00:25:02

Sorry OP sad what an utterly shit way for him to treat you. I think it's probably too soon for you to make any decisions about the future, give yourself some time to get your head around what's happened before you even try. I would use that time to check out the alternatives to living together, how finances and practicalities might work if you were to split. You deserve much better than he can offer in all honesty but I know it doesn't always feel as easy as LTB so just take some time to think about what you want to do next. Sending you a hug even though it's not the MN way, hope you're as OK as you can be flowers

TheNaze73 Mon 28-Nov-16 01:36:34

Any man that cheats or flirts with one of his mates gf's cannot be trusted.

Yourarejokingme Mon 28-Nov-16 01:48:56

Don't do it.

Get some counselling for yourself alone.

You will resent your partner if you stay because he will continue with this behaviour.

Helethan Mon 28-Nov-16 02:27:24

If you can't decide what to do, imagine a friend or a grown up daughter/niece coming to you and telling you about it. What would your advice be? I find this helps. Good luck.

indigox Mon 28-Nov-16 03:14:49

Of course it won't work, if he's cheated/flirted whilst you're together he'll have absolutely no problem with doing it if you were "apart but living together", could you actually live with that? You're basically giving him his cake and letting him eat it.

SunnyInMay Tue 29-Nov-16 08:15:11

I've told him that it's over but he's carrying on as though nothing has happened. The problem is we are still sharing a bed so that's the first thing that needs to change. This morning I woke up to him touching me all over confused The bed situation is sending mixed signals.

NotStoppedAllDay Tue 29-Nov-16 08:26:49

Nothing's going to change with you both under the same roof

It's obvious this won't work

To protect your DC you need to split properly. No point dancing around it all..... it won't ever work. And I think you know it.....

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