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Hit a bit of a low, anyone around to hand hold?

(16 Posts)
EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 15:06:08

I separated from my STBXH, moved out two weeks ago. It was the right decision, he is a recovering alcoholic who occasionally falls off the wagon, he's aggressive and has been violent towards me, and is controlling. I became isolated and low in self esteem. Now I've made the break and getting settled with DCs in a safe home, I should be happy.

But this is the first weekend DCs have stayed with STBXH. They're back in a few hours but their absence and the silence in the house has hit me. This is my reality now, and it all depends massively on me. I had vomiting bug this week and it was so hard to keep it all going, DCs are quite young and not accommodating of my illness! I am in a temporary job and have to apply permanently in the middle of all this emotion.

I also suddenly miss STBXH. It might sound crazy when things have been so bad but I do understand that his behaviour is in the context of a childhood of abuse - it doesn't excuse him but makes me feel for him. I think I also miss companionship, someone to talk about my day at work, share the frustrations of dealing with a pre schooler, watch Strictly with. I'm sobbing, and I partly feel like an idiot for missing him, and partly worry that I've jumped to the nuclear option in separating and destroyed my DCs' world without trying hard enough to mend my marriage. I can't think straight, can anyone help me get perspective or a grip? Thank you.

jadeyty Sun 27-Nov-16 15:13:00

You're bound to feel like that. I can imagine it's very hard to split up with someone then having to 'share' your children. But It will get better. Find things to fill your time when they are away...meeting with friends, taking up a new hobbie, having you time. Think positively. You do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship. No one does. You have made the right decision is leaving him. It'll take time but you'll meet someone else and look back on this time like why didn't I leave him earlier!

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 15:36:41

Thank you Jade, you're right about being busy when DCs are away - that was my plan before I got ill. I'll plan the next weekend better.

RedLemonade Sun 27-Nov-16 15:44:28

You've done the right thing EElisaveta. Wobbles are totally normal.

YY to filling your time. Maybe look at joining a book club or signing up for a not-very-demanding language or literature course. Or jam making or bee keeping! Anything to fill those evenings and weekends when the DC are away.

I'd also heartily recommend lengthy BBC costume dramas- Pride & Prejudice, North & South, that sort of thing. And long walks with good music on the iPod.


EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 15:50:22

Thanks Red - good suggestions, I loved P&P when it came out years ago. TBH there seems to be plenty to do, I've still got DIY with the house as well as all the usual work of having DCs, not to mention interview prep right now! What got me today was a massive wobble about whether I've done the right thing, and a sense of being very alone right now.

flibflob Sun 27-Nov-16 15:56:00

YY to Red's suggestion of costume dramas - currently addicted to Versailles!

I too am struggling with loneliness after an abusive relationship (no DCs though, and luckily he lives abroad now). A lovely poster on here suggested to me - I'd never heard of it before but it's been fantastic. You can find all manner of groups on there - gig goers, culture vultures, sports teams etc - and a lot of meet ups are free or low cost.

I totally sympathise with suddenly missing him as well - I was out at the shops yesterday and felt a little pang seeing all the couples/families - but, as PPs have said, you have absolutely done the right thing. Better to be alone than in bad company. flowers

RedLemonade Sun 27-Nov-16 16:00:22

I think it's very normal to have huge doubts suddenly after something like this. They hit you from nowhere and make you feel sick with regret.

But they pass. And the next day, or the day after, and most days ever after, you realise that you did the right thing, because how could you ever have made such a decision if you weren't in an absolutely untenable situation.

Sounds like this was never really a choice. You can't live your life the way you were.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 16:01:22

flowers for you flibflob, it's a hard thing to be going through. Good to hear your experience.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 16:02:36

That's made me cry again Red, because it's totally spot on.

RedLemonade Sun 27-Nov-16 16:14:14

Big hug for you EElisaveta.

Not quite the same but I once left someone who was suffering with mental illness but just wouldn't/couldn't help himself. I tried so hard but I could never fix him because, utterly ill-equipped though he was, that was his job, not mine.

I had to leave because I couldn't do anything more and I couldn't let him ruin two lives. I can only imagine having DC would have compounded this.

But I still had those moments of "oh fuck what have I done?!".

Thankfully they rapidly faded and I regained an intense and wonderful inner happiness I'd though long lost. Life gets better and better smile

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 17:09:10

Thank you Red. I identify with the desire to 'fix' and you're right, that is his job to do. I can't help feeling really sorry for him and everything he's lost. Thank you for the hope for me.

Livelovebehappy Sun 27-Nov-16 20:04:05

It's awful I know, but you just have to ride it out and focus on all the negative horrible stuff which happened when you were with him. That way you are reminded of how bad life was, and how much better it will be without him. It's still very early days, and there will lots of time over the coming weeks where you will feel down and feel a wave of utter sadness and pain wash over you, but gradually that will happen less and less. You've absolutely done the right thing, and you should tell yourself that every day.

Cricrichan Sun 27-Nov-16 22:34:28

It's early days. Once you feel better start looking at joining things you'll enjoy that'll get you out having a laugh with other people. Interview prep and diy aside, you need fun stuff too, so make sure you have something like that every week. Whether it's joining a gym or running group or a ramblers or studying a new language or joining a badminton or hockey club. Also make sure you organise some nights out, you may as well make the most of not having the kids xx

nicenewdusters Sun 27-Nov-16 22:49:20

I'm 18 months down the line from you OP, and recognise everything you say. My split was the right thing to do, but it doesn't make the early days any better. I remember leaving shops because a certain song would come on. Avoiding places we'd eaten together. Turning down invites with the dc for events we'd normally do together. It's all completely normal, you have to process all the hurt and loss. Just do whatever gets you through.

Some days you'll have a massive half hour sob. Other days you'll feel bright and breezy. It is that cliche, a rollercoaster of emotions.

As for the early days when the dc are with him. It is horrible, there's no denying it. You really understand the phrase a deafening silence. But as time moves on you build that time in to your plans. I now really enjoy my time to see friends, catch up on housework/gardening/admin, sometimes just do absolutely nothing !

Hermonie2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 23:12:44

When you separate there is a gap in your life, like a few pieces missing from the jigsaw.

At times the space feels overwhelming but over time your life becomes complete again and actually having them back in your life would feel strange.

I am a month from separating.My stbex had anger issues which maybe MH related after an horrendous abusive childhood.
I feel strong and deep sadness each day but know it will get better.Reality hits at various points though so it very natural to be up/down.

Whilst planning for a divorce a part of me hopes that stbex will feel motivated to get treatment.I know it won't happen if I stayed with him however.

I hope for your children's sake he does get help but you have absolutely done the right thing even if it feels hard at times.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sun 27-Nov-16 23:53:36

Thank you everyone for your wise words, it's helpful that you understand the sadness. It's a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment but you're right, it was the right decision for everyone.

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