Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Depression and obsessed over husband's affair. Please help!(54 Posts)
It's a long story, so I'll keep it as brief as possible. My situation at the moment is I'm extremely depressed and I can't get out it. I'm confused, I don't what to think or believe anymore.
I have two young dcs, 5 and 2. When I was pregnant -after having had a miscarriage-with my younger dc, my husband of 10 years had befriended a work colleague. He spent a lot of time together with her and I knew there was an attraction. We moved to be near his family and I was lonely and stuck. I became jealous and insecure and he accused me of being jealous, possessive and paranoid. ( When I was 11 weeks pregnant with my younger dc, I had a bleed, obvs scared, it was fine, but that evening he left me and spent with ow.) I even confronted this ow and she told me they were just friends. What had made me so anxious is that when I had gone away to my parents with my older dc ( I was 14 weeks pregnant), they had shared a kiss. Ow told me it was a mistake and her dh knew. They all made out I was crazy. My husband then turned against me, he was constantly angry, he didn't want to be with me, he took off his wedding ring he told me he was falling for this ow. I lost all self worth. She became pregnant, her and her dh were very happy, so I thought well no threat there. I became friends with her to try and make my husband happy, as he wanted her in his life, but I felt so insecure that I had to stop.
Anyway, a few years on, a couple of months ago, I found out by looking on his phone that I was right. He admitted it all. They had been fucking since my pregnancy, that kiss wasn't just a kiss, ow thought her baby could have been my husband's, (yeah, he's exh now). They fucked in my home, he pushed me away in my pregnancy and supported her in hers, even though there was a small chance the baby was his. He made me feel I was failing and gave her all the praise.
When I found out, I was in complete shock and tried to talk and understand it from both of them, but that feeling faded as the reality sunk in and I uncovered more and more. My ex wants me to forgive him, he wants to move on. He can't understand my anger and pain. He doesn't do his bit with the kids, he smokes weed all of the time, he's lazy. He tells me that I never loved him, because i never let him go. He loves the ow, because she bought him happiness and she's been able to let him and him her. I confronted her so many times to tell me the truth and she lied to me. Now that ow is not in my exh's life, he's being nice to me, wants us to start from the beginning, spends a lot of time with me and kids. It makes me so angry. I did 95% of the childcare to make him happy, to save the marriage, to be a better person. I never had a life.
I feel completely broken. I believed in my marriage, in him. I loved him so much. I thought what we had was special, something I would never have with anybody else, but he had that with her. The past 12 years seem like a complete lie. I regret ever being with him. And I'm obsessed, I can't stop thinking about them fucking. Is that normal? Ive started smoking and drinking, I've lost nearly 2 stone. My friend feels that my exh is emotionally abusive, as he manipulated me a lot and kept telling me I needed to change to save the marriage (I think he was also scared that I'd leave with the kids)... But he tells me I was ea. I don't know anything anymore. I hate feeling like this. He wants us to be friends and still do stuff together as a family, Xmas etc. Watch movies together. I'm so unhappy.
He can't be your friend, not when he is like he is. Could you stick to discussions about the children when you communicate with him and not allow anything else?
He has treated you appallingly and is still not respecting your feelings now, it's all about him!of course you don't want to be his friend he is a selfish t**t! Do not blame yourself for any of this it sounds like you have been more than reasonable but he is very manipulative.
I think you should get yourself some proper counselling from someone who can talk you through all that's happened and make you realise that your feelings matter and that you are worth so much more than this!
How tragic, Op. This person is breathtakingly, ruthlessly selfish and abusive. You need to cut him out of your life completely to get well. No wonder you're still caught up in it all when he's still putting pressure on you. Have an intermediate handle contact, your kids need you well.
Break all ties, go to the gp, start counselling and then see where you are in six months.
Most people wouldn't treat their worst enemy the way this man has treated you.
He is dangerous for your mental health. Treat him as if he is toxic - because he is - and stay as far away from him as possible.
What you are feeling op is normal, I agree with everyone else about the counselling, be kind to yourself as in doing stuff you enjoy. Your ex is a horrid man you are better of without him. Sending you a virtual hug. Keep coming back an posting op, plenty of us here to listen.
He sounds like a proper card carrying asshole. You deserve better. Keep all communications bland and about the kids, get yourself some counselling. I hope he is paying you maintenance etc? I suspect what you are feeling is that sense of mourning for what you thought you had, but in reality it really wasn't that healthy relationship you deserve.
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your support. I'm starting to see that the relationship was very flawed as is he. I just don't understand why I couldn't see it. I've completely lost my self worth and identity. I thought he loved me. I've told him I need space and he's finally agreed to take the kids to his parents at the weekend (he lives there now). He was very adamant not to as it may have a negative impact on the kids, but every time I'm with him, I can't stop thinking of the deceit and betrayal. I thought I was strong, how can I have allowed this to happen? We're going to relationship counselling, not to save the marriage, but I need to understand everything. I have major trust issues now and I'm worried about other relationships etc. I thought we were close, that we were best friends.
The maintenance payments have been difficult to get as he doesn't work regularly and resents giving me money. Also, as I'm claiming benefits as a single parent, he says I should be OK now?? He made a comment that he was giving me money so I could go to primark.
I'm so sorry, I remember that pain so well. This sounds a bit odd but let yourself embrace the pain, it gets easier every day. Good to use the counselling to get through it rather than salvage it. Try and address all the practical aspects of how your new life should be. Use your brain for that rather than obsessing over his flaws and mistakes. Try not to drink, it just makes you feel melancholy the next day. If you are struggling to quiet your mind on the obsessive thoughts a book that helped me was The Power of Now. Xxx
Don't let him fob you off on the money, get practical show him you mean business in sorting this all out, you don't need to be at his "generous mercy" (I'm a single mum too and the one thing you need to do is get yourself financially stable it really helps)
Wow, you have a lot to process there.
At a time of deep distress (miscarriage, husband attracted to and communicating with OW) he compounded your pain. He wasn't just blind to it, he compounded it by gaslighting you.
He had an affair and tried to blame you for the fact he was a cheating scumbag.
Ow didn't want him so he's come crawling back to you
He's not financially supporting his children properly
He's still trying to make you think it's all your fault.
He really is a vile excuse for a human being
ps, he tells you that you were EA?
wow. What a card-carrying abuser.
He may not have hit you but he didn't care how much distress he caused you, he doesn't care if you think that you're going mad. He knows that that is a direct cause of the manipulations he's feeding you but for him it's win win because it keeps you in check. Stops you from focusing.
Get financially stable and get this 'man' out of your life insofar as is possible.
He doesn't give a shit about you and I would go so far as to say he is deliberately mentally torturing you (this is called gaslighting).
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and I believe it is advised not to go to couples counselling with a man like this.
The comment about you being 'ok' now you're on one parent family allowance is disgraceful.. he thinks that being on benefits is what you're worth. The financial sacrifices of raising children are yours in his head. Any bone he throws you resentfully is giving you money to ''go to primark''.
Words would fail me except that my x had a very similar mindset. His solicitor sent a letter to my solicitor with thinly veiled sneering at the fact that I was on benefits. My solicitor was delighted. My x had no idea what a bastard he came across in front of the court.
Be strong and detach and start again and rise above it. My x mocked me for not being able to drive, not having a job, funny how everything fell in to place eventually when I got that critical vampire out of my life.
I agree, *NO NO NO NO NO way to couples counselling with a man like this. It will be all about his pain and his disappointments and how he's suffered and you'll come out of it feeling like a high maintenance princessy tyrant.
Trust me. I came out of couples counselling with the counsellor believing that I'd read too many magazines and I had an unrealistically romantic notion of life and relationships. He was good my x. I was shopping in Tiger the other day and I saw a mini gold oscar and I thought of him. kids, give this to your Dad. For his role as a Martyr! The role of his life.
Friends don't treat each other like he treated you.
Write him off. He is a loser that doesn't even support his kids. There is nothing for you here and even less for the kids.
Oh Op. Hes put you through Hell.
Get right out of relationship counselling, my love. Get away from him and see a counsellor on your own for YOUR issues.
He has abused you and will continue to do this and place all of the blame on you. Get him out of your life as much as you can manage outside of the kids contact.
This OW has done you a favour darling. Get shut. Re-group. Re-build and become the beautiful, vibrant woman that you REALLY are.
I feel so sad for you OP. Reading your post made me remember that pain. As Jeaux90 says as hard as it is to understand you have to go through the pain to live happily. Concentrate (I know it's hard right now) on you. Start planning what YOU want and what YOU need. In my experience I remember thinking will this pain ever go away. Yes! Yes it will OP. I lost all control and lost confidence. I had to learn how to rebuild ME. I started by making small plans to a better future. Look after you OP. Don't allow him to do this to you. You are worthy. You have done nothing wrong. He has!!
I agree with as little contact as possible and try and get yourself financially stable.
Good luck OP. It gets easier!
I too know what its like when you build a life totally round someone else who is demanding, you lose your sense of self! and you then get frightened that he is "all you have got" this works the same whether they they a bit of a low life or a city banker! It is hard to pull away, you feel sick to your stomache, but sometimes for self preservation it is what you have to do. 18 months down the line you would look and think "whats was that all about" I dont think he even deserves a separation and time for reflection, I would go straight to D.
Join the discussion
Please login first.