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I think i just left my husband

(25 Posts)
user1466208641 Sun 27-Nov-16 02:47:11

We had an argument and I am currently on my way to Canberra and do not want to go home.
Background...I've lost 3 babies this year and my mum died 2 months ago. I have been struggling to cope with our children and the home. I quit my job. I can't handle noise and need to sleep a lot. He just lost his shit with me and hot so incredibly angry that he was fronting up to me like a bloody Street fighting hooligan. He is not violent. So I know i have pushed him to that. I made him back down and he apologised but I left. I am no use to him or the kids at all. We are also in a rented property in his name only which he reminded me of today. So essentially I have no place to really call home. I am so alone. All my family is in the UK and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go home because I don't know if I can change and I don't want to keep hurting him.

chocoholic89 Sun 27-Nov-16 02:54:10

Sorry why u hurting him? I'm a uk girl! This is not ur fault u have had problems re carrying a child! Thats not you that is genetics. Don't let him make u feel bad hun. Where vu planning on staying? X

chocoholic89 Sun 27-Nov-16 02:54:57

Sorry to hear about ur mum, x u have enough to deal with.

user1466208641 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:02:10

I'm hurting him by not being able to let him love me I guess. I have a huge downer on myself and feel incredibly unworthy of love and friendship. This is all from wayyyyyyyyyyy before I even met him. My weight has skyrocketed and I feel ugly and am always mean to myself about it. And I know it hurts him to hear and see me like that. But how can I change that? So removing myself will probably cause him the least amount of hurt I guess. In the long run.
Thing is....i cant imagine my life without him but I can imagine him happier without me.

Jog22 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:12:30

You're suffering from depresson and a big weight of grief. Stop blaming yourself. He should get a bit of empathy. Go to the doctors and get some drugs and get some time to yourself.

user1466208641 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:25:47

He has no empathy. It is something to do with his awful childhood. Which I understand but he really can not relate to anything I have been through. So I've been turned into a spilled lazy person who just wants to sit on her ipad all day and ignore the kids and housework. He keeps asking me what I want but I don't know what I want or need. So he does nothing. Straight after mum died I was in bed for about 6 hours I came out at 7pm and he hadn't fed the kids because he didn't know what I had planned. He totally refuses to think for himself outside of work. I begged him to please just do what needed doing without me for a bit but he got into a right huff. Made me feel unreasonable.

I don't want to go home. I have literally nowhere else to go. No money. We are totally broke. No family and no friends that I could just turn up at for a few days.
I should probably just go home though. I don't know what else to do or how to fix this.

user1477282676 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:32:16

flowers Why are you on your way to Canberra? What's there for you?

Bogeyface Sun 27-Nov-16 03:33:14

Your mum died and he didnt feed the kids because he expected you to do it?

Leaving him is a good idea, but for you not him. I wonder how much of your self esteem issues and depression would lift without him in your life?

user1466208641 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:34:50

Canberra is just the next major city on the road. There is almost nothing between here and there.

Emmageddon Sun 27-Nov-16 03:40:21

Get yourself a hotel room and sleep the clock round.

When you are rested then contact your DH and arrange a meeting away from home, to talk.

Condolences on the loss of your mum, and losing 3 babies is hard to cope with.

Look after yourself.

user1477282676 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:45:45

Emma OP says they're broke. I'm suspecting she couldn;t pay for a hotel room.

OP....be very careful. Have you got enough petrol? You don't want to end up in the middle of nowhere...it's getting proper warm now.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:49:10

Is there any way you can check into a hotel? Do you have cash or a card to use? I think the best thing for you to do is to get off the road, get some food and liquid into you and get a room for tonight. Take a hot shower, try to relax and mentally regroup yourself. You can decide what you want to do tomorrow.

Please don't drink tonight. It may be tempting, but it's not a good idea.

Emmageddon Sun 27-Nov-16 03:49:30

OK so pull over, recline the seat and sleep. In the shade obviously.

If you have a credit card use it for accommodation and fuel. Get some food too.

user1477282676 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:59:30

Emma It's broad daylight in Australia right now. OP shouldn't sleep on the side of a road here....between cities is very bleak and often remote or unsafe for a variety of reasons.

When OP comes back she can tell us how far she is from home and if she has a credit card.

KickAssAngel Sun 27-Nov-16 03:59:52

You need to see a doctor about depression. What you describe is quite worrying - you need someone to take care of you (and if he won't do it, take care of yourself).

Is he really so useless that he can't cope for 24 hours if you're not there?

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that you have forced him to square up to you. He's deliberately making you feel vulnerable by reminding you about the house.

If you can possibly give yourself 24 hours to sleep/rest etc, then do so. Then go to doctor about depression, and police if he ever squares up to you again.

I suspect you'll really regret it if you leave your kids with him, in the long term. You need to find a way to deal with this, but starting with yourself is the best bet.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Nov-16 04:32:38

Is it around 3 on a Sunday afternoon your time, OP?

Turn around and drive home. Before you go return stop off and have an iced drink and a snack and think what you're going to say when you go back into the house.

I suggest you tell him you've been overwhelmed with grief for your dm and for your lost babies, but that you've resolved to see a doctor with a view to being prescribed a course of antidepressants to help you recover your equilibrium.

Make it clear that it will take some weeks before the meds kick in and ask him to be as patient with you as you would be to him if he was griefstruck.

My guess is he's shocked that you left and stressed with looking after the dc and wondering where you are. Give him a bit of leeway if he starts sounding off because he's likely to be coming from a place where he feared that you might not return or might have done something irrevocably stupid.

Try not to become embroiled in another argument and know that, as Oz family law doesn't differ much from that of the UK, the fact that your rented property is in his name is meaningless as it's the marital home and you have just as much right to live in it as he does.

I also suggest you reach out to a counselling service such as griefline.org.au/phone-counselling/ and that you look to find a counsellor who can help you address your feelings of being 'unworthy' and unloveable.

Your dc love and need you and they won't judge you as harshly as you're currently judging yourself.

Please come back with an update as many here will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Nov-16 04:42:59

Keep a note of these websites/numbers too, OP, and don't be afraid to use them:
www.hotpeachpages.net/aus/index.html
www.wlsa.org.au/

user1466208641 Sun 27-Nov-16 05:01:36

I love you all. I am in a town and found a cheap hotel. Safe and sound.
I think goddess has amazing advice and will do that. I will message DH and tell him I will be home at lunchtime tomorrow. It's about a 3 hour drive. I'm saving those Web pages. Thanks everyone for your kind words and worry.
I do feel so incredibly overwhelmed with grief for mum and babies that I don't know what to do. I can't cry much especially not in front of my children. Husband never knows what to say apart from "you're OK....its ok" etc which gives me the rage because I am not ok. I just feel so lost.

user1477282676 Sun 27-Nov-16 05:27:19

flowers Glad to hear you're in a hotel OP...are you staying the night? Have you called DH yet?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Nov-16 06:07:44

Some men, and women too, are emotionally clueless but saying 'you're ok' and 'it's ok' suggests that he is at least trying to give you some reassurance that it will be ok.

Of course that's not what you want to hear when what you really want to do is weep and wail and tear your hair at the unspeakable unfairness of it all, but when we have young dc to care for we can't give way to our more primitive emotions when it suits us and we can't always cry to order when they're fast asleep or at nursery/school etc.

Time doesn't heal, but it does enable us to reach some accomodation with grief where it becomes less raw, and we eventually move into a new normal where our departed loved ones become such an intrinsic part of us that we can derive as much pleasure from our memories of them as the incalculable sadness we feel when measuring our loss.

You may be floundering, but you're not lost, OP. If your dm was your lodestar, she always will be and she'll make sure you find your way out of whatever mazes you encounter in life.

Get some quality sleep tonight and try not to overthink what may be going on at home, or what you may be going back to. Let thoughts come to you and reject any that have no resonance for you or no place in this precious 'time out' that you have managed to carve for yourself.

If you feel up to it, reach out to GriefLine this evening and start to offload some of your conflicted thoughts and feelings. Chatting to someone who truly understands for even 5 minutes can take a huge load off and you may find that it opens the floodgates and gives you some much needed clarity.

Above all, be kind to yourself OP and try to let some of that kindness extend to your h who may be 'floundering' even more than you are.

I hope you'll be back with an update tomorrow or sooner. flowers Sweet dreams x

ravenmum Sun 27-Nov-16 08:30:53

Don't know how the health system works over there but you should probably also speak to a doctor / mental health professional to evaluate you for depression. Feeling like your children will be better off without you is a big red flag for depression. Also not being able to imagine the future.

Even people who are empathetic would have trouble knowing what to do about multiple losses and raw grief. Tell your husband what he should say and not say, e.g not to try to "reassure" you but instead to confirm how awful it is, give you a cuddle and remove other pressures, e.g. looking after the kids.

Do you think there might be any local support group, or are you too far from civilisation?

ravenmum Sun 27-Nov-16 08:35:42

Re depression and limited ability to imagine:
www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/201811737/depression-impairs-forward-thinking

AcrossthePond55 Sun 27-Nov-16 13:48:48

I'm glad you're safe. Goddess has some wise advice, I'm glad you're hearing her.

Of course you're overwhelmed with grief. But with the right tools, you'll get through it. And don't be afraid to cry in front of your children. It's not a bad thing for them to understand that parents get sad, too.

mumwhatnothing Mon 26-Dec-16 23:14:16

Hey all I am the OP. On my phone it signed in to a different account. Weird.
Anyway, I came home and we talked. It all seems to be better now. I am actually out of the crushing darkness I was surrounded by and can articulate my thoughts and feelings much better now. I think it will all be ok. He is looking at counselling for some of his issues and I am too. The biggest thing wrong was that we both felt like the other one wasn't paying attention or cared what was happening. He kept linking me sites on how to cope with grief and I kept looking up sites for how to support someone grieving and linking them to him. But I don't think either of us read them.
We will be ok. Thank you all for all your messages and support. You were all fantastic. Xxx

Kr1stina Mon 26-Dec-16 23:30:22

Glad to hear you are safe and feeling a little better.

So good of you to come back and update us .

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