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letting go of childhood anger...changing the future for my children

(9 Posts)
iwasbornaunicorn Sun 27-Nov-16 00:40:34

So looking for anyone who has learnt to let go of their anger & how they did it.

I grow up in an angry house my parents fought constantly, whilst there wasn't really violence there were undercurrents of it / outbursts. Think smashing up all the China in the house or nearly punching someone.
Both my parents were angry at each other but my dad was the angrier he drank too much. My mum froze him out while basically living with him for all of my childhood (they finally broke up when I was 19/20).

So I'm beginning to realise that I grow up in a toxic environment and it's not helped me emotionally my main issue is anger.

If you meet me in the real world this think oh unicorn is such a happy, chilled out person I've never seen her angry....little would you know that underneath I react angrily to everything & most of the time just squash it down.

Except with the kids sometimes as kids do they drive me insane and then I really shout at them.

I know we are all human & occasionally get angry & sometimes shout but I feel almost out of control anger over minor things.

My beautiful eldest daughter who is so compassionate, thoughtful, clever and just amazing has mirrored my behavior and gets so angry, tonight she said to me I think I have an anger problem.

I refuse to pass this curse to my children. Who are growing up in a happy secure house my husband & I have worked really hard to make sure they didn't have the awful childhoods we did. So I am not letting her live with the burden of being angry.

I'm reading lots of articles, websites on growing up in a toxic household & how to move on from it and I could do with knowing how people started & were can I find real life support?

iwasbornaunicorn Sun 27-Nov-16 00:43:04

Can't believe I've actually posted this & that it so late I'm going to sleep otherwise I'll be tired and even more angry tomorrow!

Amber76 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:41:44

I grew up in a house where something awful happened and it effected us all such that i and my siblings are all angry people now - i only realised this recently.

I have lost my temper at home with young kids but i think it really helps to articulate if at all possible 'I am so angry because...' or as soon as possible after being angry to say sorry and explain. I've noticed that my five year old articulates her feelings a lot now and am happy with that.
Recognising anger bubbling up and stepping away from a situation is good. Recognising anger in someone else and understanding it for what it is.

iwasbornaunicorn Sun 27-Nov-16 10:28:48

Thank you Amber glad I'm not alone. But I'm sorry you have to carry the burden of your childhood to.
I've really worked on managing my reactions when angry & I'm definitely getting there.
I'd love to be able to find a way to not react angrily to things. I think when you've learnt as a child that's how you behave it's really hard to unlearn that reaction I just don't know how to do that.

fc301 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:03:42

I sympathise!
Do you still have contact with either parent? I find the less contact I have the happier/calmer I am with my DC. I'm ashamed to say that when they have made me feel bad/sad my eldest DD has suffered for it.
Really agree with explaining to DC. I do try to do this. It's not you it's me, I am feeling tired and grumpy but not because of you. I think this really helps.

Gribbie Sun 27-Nov-16 19:06:40

I'm an angry person too. I don't know how to stop.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 27-Nov-16 19:31:44

I grew up in pretty much the same circumstances, shit isn't it?
I've just started counselling for anger issues which I'm finding massively helpful, she's really helping me to see that actually I'm not an angry person but simply I don't deal with the small issues as they arise so they build up until I finally lose it. I've started addressing this & also stopped trying to always find something to do instead of taking some me time. This also stems from my childhood-it really helps to look back on certain things & realise why you have fucked up views of things.

iwasbornaunicorn Sun 27-Nov-16 20:22:59

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom (love your name by the way) yes it is a bit Shit, I've never had counseling although a sibling has for something else & it really helped with our childhood as well. Suppose I never thought I needed it & kind of minimised the impact it all had on me but one of my abiding memories is being scared to go to school & leave my mum in case my dad killed her that's not minor.

I'm going to phone up & book an appointment tomorrow with the local counselling service.

fc301 I still have contact with both parents ,I've kind of worked through it with my dad I confronted him years ago & he apologised I now see that his & my mum's relationship went wrong & he then drank to mask his pain. He already is a different person now and really tries hard especially with his grand kids.

At the moment I struggle with my mum she won't take ownership for the fact that she is as responsible as my dad for the anger issues we have. I have reduced contact with her because of this & the fact that one of my brothers is very angry all the time & drinks to much & is generally an idiot but all she goes on about is how my dad leaving affected him & if my dad helped him financially he'd be able to get a house.

I know I may have to accept she will never see her part in it I think she had the psyche that she's the victim.

iwasbornaunicorn Sun 27-Nov-16 20:29:40

Oh & thank you for the suggestions of explaining to the kids,that it's not them but me, I already do that so much so that they will sometimes day to me mum you're tired or trying to do to much! So hopefully I haven't completely ruined them...& who knows if there's a zombie apocalypse this anger might be useful 😁

I just don't want to feel it in the first place.

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