Right I just need to vent a bit and get this off my chest.
Total cliche. Works do. Booze and colleague. Both married.
Big party to celebrate a huge milestone after months and months of absolute graft.. Very boozy, no holds barred, lots of dancing and hugging and general silliness and merriment amongst everyone. Things got a bit out of hand and weird with one colleague. Started fine, chatting and hanging out at the bar. Others joined us and came and went. I got really drunk and we had a really good laugh and I danced a lot of the night away.
I'm a bit of a social smoker but haven't done so in ages but headed off with this colleague for a smoke. A few others joined us but as we went outside he put his jacket round my shoulders (didn't ask for it) and sort of stood with his hand on my back. So far so good - he's quite a lot older than me and I thought perhaps it was a bit of a paternal thing. I had patched up one of the twenty somethings earlier in the night and given him a hug on one of the sofas so seemed innocent enough.
Then as the night progressed into the wee hours I became aware of quite intense eye contact from him. About ten of us ended up in a nightclub. I was really drunk by then and couldn't drink anything else and sat in a booth with a few of us. It ended up just the two of us and he came and sat next to me and I remember thinking yikes he's pressing his leg against mine. He asked me to go back to his suite with him. He basically said that I'd let loose already and it was up to me how bad I wanted to be but he wanted me to come back with him. Quite matter of fact really. We then had this quite frankly mental discussion where I reminded him that he was married etc. He's very senior in the business (I'm relatively senior too but not at board level). He's very matter of fact and steely - have seen him in action at work. He would need to be to get where he has. His 'position' on this was that he fancies me a lot and I must know that. It was really surreal - he basically said that I'm great at my job and funny and I can't say the rest - not crude but is just to cringey to write down.
Nothing happened BUT
I had to give myself a bit of a slap a few months ago when i realised that I was checking out the car park for his car when I got into work and was disappointed when he was travelling for business or when I was. He used to come by my desk for no real reason and if he saw me working elsewhere in the business he would always come and sit and have a chat. We've had a sensitive employment issue to deal with related to someone in the business and lately had a fair amount of face to face time on a one to one basis. We do get on great in a work context and get shit done. I really respect his decision making and drive.
Nothing happened and I went back to my hotel alone and he to his. A few things though - I'm worried that things will be different at work. I'm worried that other colleagues might have noticed something in the air on the work do. I have a big event with him in a week's time that I can't get out of. There will be 7 of us but usually we would travel together and I don't know how to deal with it. He would also usually be an ally. Is he going to ignore the entire thing/address it. How do we move on with dignities intact? I don't know if he will be different or cold now.
Also - I AM massively drawn to him and I think that perhaps I have caused the whole thing by being too open and friendly. Stupidly I thought the fact that there was a significant age gap kind of neutered it.. I so wanted to kiss him that night. I knew I couldn't but I feel guilty even thinking that way. I am also glad that I made sure we stayed with colleagues too as I think it could hhavve got out fo hand if we'd been alone. I need to deal with this feeling. I also feel that I was perhaps responsible - did he see that in me somehow??
Urgghhh. I have seen him briefly since - I was with another colleague and he popped his head in to see how we were feeling. My colleague took a call and he looked me straight in the eye and smiled so hopefully he won't be a dick about it all and we can forget it ever happened but I am in a spin about it all and this big upcoming event.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
i think I'm having a midlife crisis
Fattiefattie · 26/11/2016 21:33
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.