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Those who have had terrible relationships/marriages and are now in a really lovely, content one - tell me your stories.

(35 Posts)
Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 19:24:50

Split from H in the summer, very childish, emotionally abusive man. We have dd5 together who loves her daddy more than me, sees him regularly but cries when she leaves him. I wish I could tell her he is a cheating liar who enjoys being cruel to me, but obviously cannot..sad

Ive had a terrible day and done quite a lot of crying. I just wish there was a kind, decent man in my life I could text saying "God ive had an awful day" and he would reply "dont worry. We'll have a cup of tea and talk about it." Thats all I want, just to be looked after and feel cherished. And I want that for my daughter, so she can grow up seeing what a loving relationship is with a good man.

I just need to know that they are definitely out there.

Tell me about the lovely kind man you found.

jeaux90 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:37:27

Hey Big big hug xxx so ...I spent the last 6 years as a single mum, dated a few frogs and a few nice guys..Had fun. Met a really lovely guy in April, taking it slow though. Honestly, it will be ok, trust me. In time you will feel free to not feel any contempt anymore. I don't and mine was a real prize believe me! Xxx

GrabtharsHammer Sat 26-Nov-16 19:44:22

I had a string of toxic relationships and then a horrible marriage. Lots of shouting, violence, name calling, debts and lies and just general awfulness.

A year after I left him I met DH. We've been together for ten years and he is my hero. He is decent and kind and good. We've never rowed and he's never let me down. He works hard to support us all, does more than his fair share around the house and is an amazing dad to both my older kids and our son, all of whom he treats as his own and equal.

I love him a ridiculous amount. He wakes me every morning when he leaves for work with a coffee and a kiss and tells me I'm beautiful.

The good ones are out there, I promise.

Potnoodlewilld0 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:46:30

Hi! Hang in in there things will get better!!

I let my abusive ex and I was totally wrecked by it. Had a couple of years on my own with dd then finally gave in to a friend of a friend asking for a date just as a esteem boost for me, I did not expect anything.

He was/is lovely and I've just had dd2 last month to him. Honestly couldn't be with out him. He isn't perfect but he makes me very happy and feel adored.

Hang on in there wine

iremembericod Sat 26-Nov-16 19:57:27

I had 19 years of a terrible relationship. All the usual cheating, abuse, debt, shirking of family life....

5 years later I didn't realise life could be so different. Yes I do have a wonderful kind loving partner but he's not my whole life, I have fabulous caring loving friends and a stimulating job (can't say i always love it)

I couldn't have my life if I'd stayed in that toxic relationship. Although it took me at least 2 years to feel alive again but those 2 hard years were worth it.

ALaughAMinute Sat 26-Nov-16 20:00:13

As someone who has also left an abusive man in the summer I am watching this thread with interest.

Hang on in there OP, there are plenty of 'happy ever after' stories out there but you must give yourself time to heal.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 26-Nov-16 20:13:22

Was married to someone for 20 yrs who I discovered was online dating. Effectively looking for a new wife, before he had given Old Wife her P45 hmm He was abusive in several ways, there was a couple of final straws, and I divorced him. Was single about 2 yrs. Tried OLD myself, cos where do you meet people otherwise? Met DF, after talking online with about 200 people over time. DF was the only one I actually met. This was in 2013 and we get married next year. They are out there, you just have to discard the chancers first. Interestingly, I found it easier to 'weed' when OLD messaging as the clues for cockwomblism were often more apparent when I hadn't actually met them and been distracted by other stuff iuswim. Good luck!

Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 20:18:41

Hello all, thanks for your stories. I love to hear them. flowers
I have good days and bad days, today particularly bad.
Sometimes I see a very happy future for myself - it has everything in it I want - happy family life, lovely friends, even another child. I would even marry again. But its far away behind a perspex screen at the moment - im not quite ready.

I have to start from scratch in all areas of my life, build new friendships and even new wardrobe - I was lost for years.

LaughaMinute well done for leaving, my love. flowers

missyB1 Sat 26-Nov-16 20:28:04

I was also married to an immature emotionally abusive man. I left him after 9 years of marriage, our two sons were 9 and 4, they were devastated as they thought he was wonderful. he was very bitter that i left and made it as hard for me as possible, refusing to pay a penny towards the kids for the first 5 years.

Anyway after 6 years of being single i met DH at work. We've been very happily married for 10 years now and have a little boy together.

My advice is take your time, do a lot of reflecting on how you ended up in that relationship. Focus on building up your self esteem and making a new life for yourself and your little one.

Cameron2012 Sat 26-Nov-16 20:31:14

Have been in horrible violent relationship, been married to an alchoholic, during divorce fell in love with Satan ( he was a big penis with a small man attached).
Been with the husband 14 years he is awesome, his only aim ( apart from playing golf) is to make me happy.
I met him when I was a barmaid, he found out where I parked my car and covered it with flowers, when he inherited some money he bought me a house and point black refused to have his name put on it , on my 40th birthday he learnt to play the guitar so he could sing me my favourite song ( in front of 70 people) , he is the rock on which I stand .
We have had rough times and good times and he has had to cope with me having a breakdown , I have coped with him going through two years of depression.
I still feel happy when I see his car parked outside our house , knowing he is home
They are out there, good luck finding your prince X

Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 20:45:02

missy that sounds a lot like my H and situation. He is also very, very bitter at me even though we both knew it was over.

Cameron I cannot even believe a man so thoughtful and kind exists! I truly cant... which says a lot about my ingrained beliefs about men.

Cameron2012 Sat 26-Nov-16 21:18:19

I know how lucky I am ..... And so does he.
Ironically I have had every romantic bone torn from me before I met him, he still decorates the stairs with roses on Valentine's Day .

ihatethecold Sat 26-Nov-16 21:29:29

I had a child as teenager with an abusive man. I stayed for 5 long years before I escaped.
I moved to London with my then 6 year old to start a new life.
I then met my now DH.
We've been married 17 years.
He is the most loving , caring and respectful person I've ever known.
It can happen op. You need to value yourself and not accept any relationship where you are not respected.

Seriously, I look back and wonder what the hell I used to put up with!

Simonneilsbeard Sat 26-Nov-16 22:04:53

I was with my ex for 12 years. I was 17 when we met and he was 27. It was horrible from day one but I didn't know any better. I thought his jealousy meant he cared about me, it just got worse and worse to point where I lost all but one of my friends, lost touch with family members because he would accuse me of having affairs with their husband?! I couldn't make my own decisions or go anywhere without being questioned or accused of shagging someone else. He eventually left me for another woman.
6 months later I met my husband, online.
He is the polar opposite of my ex. It took me a long time to trust anyone but he hung in there! He treats me with respect, he respects my opinions, never puts me down..he's helped me rebuild my confidence. He's a wonderful father and stepfather. Im pretty lucky!

Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 22:06:48

Do you all ever feel sad for your past selves sad

Cameron2012 Sat 26-Nov-16 22:21:11

I want to give my past self a bloody good talking to about self esteem and self respect. I want o tell myself I deserve better actuall that I just deserve

jeaux90 Sat 26-Nov-16 22:42:07

No I never feel sorry for the past. My ex was an abusive narc. It was horrendous. But two good things came out of it. My daughter and I came out of that the strongest I have ever been.

ihatethecold Sat 26-Nov-16 22:42:35

No, but I regret not seeing him dealt with by the police for the abuse.

WappersReturns Sat 26-Nov-16 22:52:29

They are out there Teepish I have one smile

I met ex when I was 15 and had an on/off abusive relationship with him for about 7 years. I met DH when I was 16 and on a break from ex, I was still enmeshed with ex and so DH waited. Then waited some more. He was always there if I needed him, never asked anything of me and never met anyone else significant.

Early 2008 I finally freed myself of ex and in early 2009 I moved in with DH. He is everything. Truly. He'd do anything to make me smile, make me feel safe or happy. He's a good man. I wish with all my heart I hadn't wasted so much time with that prick so that I could have squeezed in a few more years with this perfect human who loved me from the moment he saw me. The rest of my life won't be enough.

It gets better love, I remember so well the darkness that comes with being consumed by a vile person. Those lows that I felt would never end. You will heal and somewhere there is a good man just waiting for the brand new you.

PurpleWithRed Sat 26-Nov-16 22:57:27

XDH was not horrific but came from a dysfunctional family with little understanding of what constituted a healthy relationship. I unwittingly enabled him. Finally left after 18 years of marriage.

Am now happily married to a caring, emotionally open man with a great sense of fairness and generosity of spirit. XDH is also happily remarried, as is New DH's XDW.

Second time round you go in with your eyes open, and much better equipped to tell the difference between a worthwhile compromise and a deal breaker. Give it time, but know you can be happy and single too.

Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 23:07:32

Thanks all. Cameron I wish I could give myself the same talking to 8 years ago...


thestamp Sat 26-Nov-16 23:14:25

You can read about my marriage ending here...

Met a man obscenely soon after leaving my ex h. I was (am) scared and difficult and constantly second guessing myself, due to the recovery I've needed. Really kept this man at arms length. New Man kept everything so low key, was very gentle in pursuit. Took almost a year but I finally came round.

This weekend he forwarded me an email receipt confirming a week away between Xmas and NYE... because he knew my ex h would have the DC and that I would be sad/lonely. Not the first time he's done such a thing. Something I've seen over time is that he doesn't ask questions. He observes, and seems to work out how I am and what I need, and he then just does whatever I need and everything falls into place. He is a gem.

I'll not get into the endless showers of presents and dinners and sex

He's never pushed me or got frustrated with me and really he's taken the brunt of so much shit that wasnt even his fault. For no reason really. He just tells me that he is the lucky one, when I ask him why he bothers.

Not sure what I did to deserve such a thing but there you go. Life's a funny thing.

Take heart OP. You really just never know.

iremembericod Sat 26-Nov-16 23:18:12

I don't feel sad for my self having 'wasted' so much time with a dickhead.

I feel that whole thing around having to start from scratch hsa been enormously powerful. I had to find my values, find my strengths, find my boundaries and now I am somewhere stable I feel an inner happiness and security that I don't think I'll ever lose now.

I will say that I am not interested in being married again. I suppose I am fiercely independent, but I do see that as something I realised I valued. I am with my partner because I love him, respect him and want to be with him. I never want to feel any dependence on him in any way - financial or emotional. Maybe that makes me 'not quite there yet'- but I don't feel that. It makes me feel strong. I trust him and love him, I just don't want to be intertwined with him in any dependent way.

We are doing the the very modern Living Apart Together thang

Teepish Sat 26-Nov-16 23:32:30

stamp ive actually read through your old thread and your more recent one, what a thoughtful guy he is, and well done for getting through that Christmas, youre a strong womansmile
iremember yes I totally get you. The Living Apart thang is probably ideal isnt it, best of both worlds.

Have to say, for the first time in my adult life im not "desperate" like I was in my twenties. Looking back, I seemed to just fall in with charming arseholes who said all the right things angry

frieda909 Sun 27-Nov-16 11:38:53

I was in an awful relationship with a horrible, selfish man for nearly 10 years. Verbal and emotional abuse on an almost daily basis. He completely ripped apart my self esteem and made me feel utterly worthless. He took everything I had then eventually dropped me like a hot potato when he met someone else.

It ended nearly 2 years ago, and then six months later I met the most wonderful man who I'm now blissfully happy with. I feel like I finally 'get' what being happy actually feels like! All that time I just told myself that this was as good as it was going to get, and that people who seemed really happy with their partners were probably just faking it. Now I realise they weren't - people CAN be really happy in their relationships and it isn't actually normal to cry and feel shit about yourself every day. It's sad but I often find myself thanking my boyfriend for doing something really nice for me and he'll just say 'I'm not even being that nice, this is just a normal thing that people do for each other'. He's an amazing person and I feel so lucky to have found him.

Yes, I do feel very sad for my past self, who just resigned herself to the years of misery and abuse and didn't think she was worth any more. But I also have a very good life now and I try to tell myself that everything I've been through led me here eventually, so not to dwell on the past too much.

Things will get better for you, I really do believe that! Good luck xxx

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