Narc or wanker?, Not sure but need him gone.

[Roastturnip]

I'm not sure if dh is narc or wanker but after 10 years of feeling unloved, uncared for and a totally unfulfilling relationship, I've told him I want to separate. Since I told him this, he's swanning around like nothing has happened and made no effort to find anywhere. I would be happy to be the one to leave but we have a joint mortgage and I'm not sure he could afford it alone. I'm fortunate to be financially stable so can afford to rent and cover childcare costs for my 2 dd's. But I'd be worried about him defaulting on mortgage and so me becoming liable for that as well as the place I'd rent. He has made next to no financial contribution to the mortgage or household costs even though he works full time. He said he'd contribute more when I was on maternity leave but never did. He has given no emotional support over the last 10 years. He came to none of my pregnancy scans with dd2 even though he was working shifts and able to. He didn't help with any school runs when I was exhausted and asked for help. I work from home and am expected to accommodate him when he wants a break from looking after dd2. There are so many things i could mention but in short I've had enough and need to be shot of him. What can I do if he won't go? If I leave I'm putting myself at risk financially because of the join my mortgage.

[ChuckGravestones]

Give him a week to either leave or you will move out into a rented place and he can take over the mortgage. He isn't likely to want to do that so it should focus his attentions. If he says he won't be able to afford it then you can put it up for sale and get shot of him that way.

[mumonashoestring]

You need to get some proper legal advice before you try and go any further with this. A solicitor specialising in divorce/asset splitting will be able to tell you what your safest option is to protect you and your children from your feckless husband.

[jeaux90]

Well done making the decision to split. Narc or not he sounds like a tosser! Honestly that freedom you will feel when you are on your own with your dc will be amazing. It was for me, I still remember and relish it xxx

[Musiclife]

You can start divorce proceedings even when he is still in your home. The finances and house will be sorted alongside.

[RandomMess]

I would start the ball rolling in forcing sale of the marital home, you do not want to be liable to the mortgage and rent on a new place!

[nicenewdusters]

Yes, agree to forcing the sale of the home. And for what it's worth he definitely sounds like a wanker, possibly a narc. Once you're away from him you'll feel like a different person.

[happypoobum]

Don't move out and pay rent as he will just default and you will be liable.

You need legal advice. The only way to force him out, if he isn't violent, is to divorce him. Good luck

[Roastturnip]

Thank you. Things that make me think narc...he shows very little interest in dd1 (nearly 8). She is high achieving, beautiful girl inside and out and possibly deflects attention from him? In any case his crap relationship with her is my fault because I'm overprotective. I've asked him before to not tell her she has a big belly (and now I'm overprotective).

He minimises all my issues. Lack of care and attention in pregnancy? Me making a big issue out of nothing and making him sound like monster...

We met when I was at a low ebb self esteem wise. I suspect my dad is narc too and he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my mum. So that was my model for relationships and I followed it. I'm determined my girls won't make my mistakes. I've sorted out some counselling for me. Next step solicitor!

[nicenewdusters]

Sounds like you've nailed it OP. Good luck.

[jeaux90]

Not sure if he is a narc, your lovely daughter would be a puppet and his supply if he was probably, and he sounds like he is ignoring her. Whatever he is, you won't be with him much longer, strong decision xxx

[Roastturnip]

Thank you x There is other stuff too that makes me think narc but ultimately it doesn't really matter, I'm done with it all. I felt so euphoric after telling him. I've always been a put up and shut up kind of person because that is what was modeled for me by my mum. So it felt so epic to finally stand up for myself. But now it's becoming clear he won't make it easy... I think he still thinks I'll get over it and change my mind. He's got a cushy life basically making next to no financial contribution so he's not going to be in any rush. I'm pretty angry at myself for being such a doormat in the past. There has been red flag after red flag over the years...

[Mistletoetastic]

The good news Op is that you be fine, financially and emotionally you havent relied on him. Hold your head up high and get him out of the house.

Demonstrate to your mortgage provider that you are paying mortgage, therefore able to cover it fine.

[jeaux90]

Oooohhh good! Use that anger!! It really spurred me on. Just remember to leave it behind the day you are free and then take a big moment to think about how good it feels and hang on to that instead xxx