Without reading copious posts on Mumsnet I would never have heard of gas lighting and therefore, would never have been able for the first time in 26 years to finally tell my STBXH to 'fuck off, I know what you are doing' . It felt amazing.
Background : I left my verbally abusive husband about 6 months ago & moved into my own place with one of my DC. We are very happy.
The straw that broke the camels back was an 2 hour conversation (I have a recording) when he called me a cunt,whore,useless mother over 200 times.
Previous to this he threw some of my possessions into our road on a saturday morning and then ran over them with his van, my DC had to call the police as he was running up and down with a rope threatening to kill himself. He refused to let me leave so the police removed me. A friend had to forcibly open his mouth because he had swallowed pills. He would sit up until 2am running a carving knife up & down his leg & arm. After the first few threats to commit suicide I didn't take them seriously as they were always after I told him (again) I was leaving. The next day he was full of remorse and crying as "I'm only doing this because I love you so much".
He threatened me with cling film - the one time I have been truly scared.
He shredded my passport, threw my house keys into a hedge so I couldn't lock the house & therefore leave the house. He leaves me short of money & if we need to eat we 'can always go to his house for dinner'. I have become clever & sell stuff to raise money even if its £5 it's dinner on the table for my DC.
I am close to his 70 year old Aunt & she knows everything that has happened. I have tried to be fair - I'm not perfect & have always stuck to the facts.
Yesterday he went to see her & started ranting within minutes - 'do you know what that despicable woman has done ? She's left me & I have nothing. She has left me, I hate my life. She has split the family (1 DC has chosen to live with him as doesn't want his Dad to be on his own). All she has to do is try harder. She loved me before she can love me again."
Aunt was very calm & told him he needs to take a step back and re-build his life.
Fast forward to last night - the conversation NEVER took place, " I would NEVER say that to anyone. Why would Aunt try to drive a wedge between us ? She has lost the plot and is fabricating the whole story"
For the first time the light came on - this is what he has been doing for years and years. I just thought it was 'normal' behaviour. To turn round & tell him to 'fuck off you are a lier' felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulder.
It was followed this morning by the usual text - I'm so sorry I don't know what was wrong with me, I love you like no-one ever will. First time ever I ignored. Then 'I think I've been bitten by a false widow spider" - Attention, Control & Manipulation. Ignore.
Sorry for the rambling post but really to say thanks for all the invaluable posts many people take the time to write.
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Gaslighting - thank you Mumsnet
6 replies
itsjustamess · 26/11/2016 11:09
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