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This isn't normal how do I fix it?

(12 Posts)
mumofthreesmallmen3 Sat 26-Nov-16 08:57:12

ive been with my partner for nearly ten years and we have 3 young kids, we got together when I was very young. It's been building up gradually I think, i can't show him any affection. If he goes to hold my hand or kiss me etc I cringe. I hate it and I don't know why I can just about bring myself to say I love you back but generally I don't as it feels so weird, we was very affectionate at the start, it wasn't a sudden change to this. Sex life is pretty non existent and were in our late twenties. I do love him, but it feels like a comfortable kind of thing, like we have a laugh, I can talk to him about things, I enjoy spending time with him going out as a family etc but I just can't be affectionate to him I probably haven't kissed him in about 2 years. I have no problems on showing affection to my children I'm always cuddling them telling them I love them and that feels perfectly natural. Why do I feel like this - nothing in particular has happened? Have we just got too comfortable? I just physically cringe and can't wait to get away when he tries to cuddle me. Any advice

category12 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:03:24

Do you find him attractive? Perhaps not in a sex way at the moment, but does he look after himself, look nice, wash, have nice manners, treat you nicely?

Do you have any sexual desire at all? Do other people attract you, do you feel horny at times?

How old is your youngest dc?

ElspethFlashman Sat 26-Nov-16 10:09:05

Sounds to me like you simply don't love him as anything other than a mate.

mumofthreesmallmen3 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:09:50

He's just turnt one, no not recently I haven't had any interest in sex at all. He's ok, I don't feel really attracted to him but he's not repulsive either. He always says he loves me on the phone I hardly ever do, sometimes I feel pressurised into saying it when he says it like its a question and then I feel really weird and awkward. I had the coil a couple of months ago sometimes that affects sexual desire? But the affection thing has been going on for a good few years at least, it's more like we're friends than anything else.

Cricrichan Sat 26-Nov-16 10:20:18

I think that when you have young kids like you do, it's easy to distance yourself from your oh. Either because you're touched out or tired or busy and in mummy mode the whole time and or because you have no time to spend having fun with your oh.

It could be that you're no longer attracted to your oh but what attracted you to him in the first place? Try and get the kids looked after a few times a week whilst you two pursue a hobby or a sport together. Also, if you struggle to find childcare, then schedule in something you can both do at home when the kids are on bed. Have a games night when you both play Scrabble or sonething, have a takeaway etc. Spend time together doing stuff that you both enjoy to get you having fun together. It makes a massive difference.

category12 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:27:02

It's not surprising you don't have a lot of interest in him physically with 3 little ones, and the baby still a baby really. You must be pretty much 'touched out'. The cringing away from his kiss etc is a worry, but it could possibly be that, rather than being permanently repulsed by him.

I don't know, if you could maybe get some time off not to feel like mum all the time, you might find you regain interest in him a bit. (But you may not feel you want to, might prefer being with the little ones right now.)

I wouldn't make any hasty decision that it's gone between you. Maybe it is. But it takes a couple of years really to get back to normal after having a baby. Are you depressed or numb with feelings in any other respect - just to check out any possible pnd or anything? It might be an idea to get checked out so at least you can say to your DH that you are trying something.

ElspethFlashman Sat 26-Nov-16 10:30:07

If you haven't kissed him in two years, does that mean you don't even kiss him when you have sex?

mumofthreesmallmen3 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:33:35

We don't get much time together, he works 6 days a week and is out 3 evenings in the week, Sunday's we do something with the kids outings etc. I don't particularly feel attracted to him but can't that be normal after ten years? Maybe I will try bit by bit being more affectionate and it might come more naturally?

category12 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:38:14

Do you get any time to yourself? Just you?

What's he doing 3 evenings a week?

mumofthreesmallmen3 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:43:05

Hmm well we haven't had any sex for around 6/7 months, Iv occasionally kissed him but it's him that kisses me, I've never initiated a kiss in a long time. Yes depression and anxiety may be a possibility, I've become a lot more anxious after the third baby and I'm going to see gp soon to discuss, I'm not majorly down so I don't know wether I am depressed or not, I still have enjoyment in my kids, still feel emotion to them and show them affection. Possibly because I don't get time off from being a mum, I'm not complaining I love them to the bits and of course know it's a full time job, but that is true I don't do anything for myself in respect of hobbies etc, will be going back to work in new year so mayb that will help

mumofthreesmallmen3 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:44:44

He plays football once a week , the other two evenings are work

category12 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:57:50

smile I was just reading a book called 'wifework' and it pretty much just said that women sometimes see paid work as their leisure time. Which seems apt.

It's no wonder you don't feel very affectionate towards him. You probably sympathise with him working 6 days a week and 2 evenings, and feel he deserves a break - and he does. But you don't have any breaks at all, and your joint leisure time probably involves you doing the lion's share of the organising and running round after the dc. Which you do all the time anyway, so it isn't the same experience as him spending family time together.

Try to carve out a couple of hours one evening a week to get out of the house on your own, leaving him with the kids. I am not convinced it's "date" night you need, maybe "I am a person too" night.

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