Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(6 Posts)
adornorising Sat 26-Nov-16 08:11:09

DH very likely has Aspergers. He's seen a psychologist about it and there isn't a diagnosis, because tests not done, but psychologist doesn't disagree it's very likely. My psychologists (long term therapy for child and adult trauma and my current situation) also have suggested it given what I've said about the dynamics of things at home over a long period of treatment (they each brought it up in fact).

I don't care if he has it or not, in fact it could be positive in that it would offer both of us a framework to understand our communication differences and his complete inability to process anything other than me being a robot.

But what I just don't know what to do with is his lack of interest in looking further into any of this on the basis that he knows (and he does) how unhappy I am. I have told him I can't continue living without showing emotion just because it upsets him, because it's now hurting me too much. I have very intense days after some of the therapy and have to behave like the only thing I did that day was go to the supermarket. No hugs, no affection, no talking about it, no anything. I've mentioned divorce and said that while I don't want it right now, it is on my mind.

And it makes no difference to him. He just pretends I've not said it. He's actually said it's too difficult to think about so he just puts his head in the sand.

And this kills me because I know for sure he loves me (and this is actually verified if he were to have the diagnosis, because his way of showing love is typical in everything I've read about the condition), but when I mention divorce very seriously, he's not even motivated to try and find how he can make changes, or try to understand me. His psychologist recommended a book for us to read together, but he's not ordering it.

I have tried so hard to understand where the problems are in our relationship over the years, look at my part, change what I can to meet his needs and he won't even order a book. But I can't separate out whether it's the (possible) Aspergers at work and I shouldn't take it too personally, or it's just him being a pain. One is more acceptable to me than the other.

And the divorce issue is very real, but we live abroad, neither of us in our home countries, have young kids, so not straightforward. I have spoken to a lawyer in this country about it and I'm going to speak to another in the country we got married in too (country of marriage contract), just to see what my options are, because I don't really know right now.

This is very long and I don't know what I'm asking, I think I just wanted to share with with someone. I have started opening up to good friends about it, but they're not here and I can't lean on them for everything.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 26-Nov-16 08:19:53

He is who he is. You can't expect him to change his personality. You also do not have to stay with him.

rumred Sat 26-Nov-16 08:27:16

I'm not sure what he brings to the table that is valuable? Being with someone who doesn't love you well is soul destroying. The aspergers is a red herring. You're unhappy and unloved. Not good for children either.
Can you visit real life friends for a proper discussion and support?

hollyisalovelyname Sat 26-Nov-16 08:38:19

OP what was he like before you married him?
Were you together long before marriage ?
Did he show affection then ?

adornorising Sat 26-Nov-16 14:10:21

He was a bit more affectionate but it was an issue. He told me it was either because of me or because he was shy - or a combination of the two. I knew I wasn't perfect and he was (and is) such a lovely person in other ways that I thought he'd become less shy if he were really sure I was committed to him (so after marriage). And I thought I could change myself enough - which I thought I'd done when he proposed. But once we were married things went more downhill, until he agreed he'd been taking me for granted and that he'd sort things out. It never happened. But I can see he is wanting to, it's just like he can't somehow. I can't explain it totally.

The (possible) Aspergers isn't totally a red herring because it impacts his understanding of how I'm feeling. I'm not sure it impacts his willingness to try to figure it out though.

adornorising Sat 26-Nov-16 14:18:23

I don't want to change him. I love him. But I want him to want to understand me I guess and to actively want to make me happy, rather than say he does, but then do things that he thinks should make me happy, even though I've told him they don't AND what does/would.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now