Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship with a man 36 years my senior

(101 Posts)
wingedphasmid Sat 26-Nov-16 02:53:37

Hi folks. I've lurked on mumsnet for some time and finally joined as I could do with some advice really badly on this!

My relationship with my partner and kids dad has been basically platonic for three years. I'm in my early thirties. For two of these years I have been seeing a man of almost 70. He is also married however is in much the same situation as me. I know it's wrong but we genuinely have fallen in love. The sex and the emotional bond is staggering. This is now however affecting my reputation. It's an open secret locally and this man is wealthy and in a position of power in the community.

We see each other for about four hours every day. Literally every day, and talk more so. I don't know what to do. I can't envision leaving him - I love him too much - but at the same time I'm scared. I know his health will fail at some point and this is the reason we haven't set up a life together. I am starting to feel isolated in this knowledge.

BubblingUp Sat 26-Nov-16 03:08:18

Are you a wife-approved mistress or a secret?

wingedphasmid Sat 26-Nov-16 03:10:48

The wife it seems turns a blind eye. She knows it's going on and chooses not to acknowledge it at all.

Bluntness100 Sat 26-Nov-16 03:22:22

I'm not sure what advice you want? You haven't set a life up as he's married. Doesn't matter in that regard if he's 30 or 70 he's married.

Are you sleeping with him because he's wealthy and in a position of power? Is that the real attraction? Because it's not your wealth or power, you understand that right?

I guess you need to decide what's important to your, your relationship with your partner and your child's thoughts on you or your afternoons with this man.

As much as you may love him, and his wife is turning a blind eye to another one of his affairs, do accept the reason uou aren't setting a life up is not his age, it's the fact he's married.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 26-Nov-16 03:37:27

To paraphrase the late great Mrs Merton, what first attracted you to a rich and powerful man who's old enough to be your grandad, OP?

I know his health will fail at some point and this is the reason we haven't set up a life together So he's good enough to fuck but not good enough for you to consider wiping his bum when he's in his dotage. It must be true love hmm

His dw may be taking the longer view not be overtly acknowledging that her dh is playing away every day, but it's clear that others have clocked what's going on and it's par for the course that your reputation has gone down the tubes. Your name is now mud while his is either unaffected or has taken a bit of an upturn as far as his same age mates are concerned in certain circles.

This story is as old as the hills. You're his bit of fluff on the side. End it or get used to it.

papercrane Sat 26-Nov-16 05:06:15

I think these responses are a bit harsh but that tends to be the case on mumsnet with these kind of things. I'm not saying it's right as obviously this is infidelity and not fair on either of your spouses not to mention the damage it's doing to your reputation.

Maybe you're not attracted to the wealth and power as such but the things that go with that - confidence, life experience, intelligence.

Either way you're obviously inhabiting a fantasy here and not dealing with the problems in your own relationship. It sounds like a kind of addiction in that you know you're being reckless but can't stop. Four hours a day is a huge investment of your time, and means you're not giving of yourself to your own family and to building your future. I think that element of it is really destructive and harmful to you in the long term because you are going to wake up one day and wonder what has happened to your life while you were wrapped up in this affair.

Not doubting the strength of your feelings and the immense difficulty of breaking it off but ultimately it sounds as if this is going to have to stop sometime. You are risking more than this man - he's not going to lose his wife, or his position socially.

Does your partner know as well? You need to take some time to think about what you're going to do with regards to him because at the moment you are treating him with total disrespect. If you weren't seeing this other man you might have more of a chance of fixing things with him or at least seeing clearly enough to make a decision.

SlottedSpoon Sat 26-Nov-16 05:55:55

you are not in a platonic relationship with your partner and father of your children, you are in an adulterous relationship with a rich old man. You are the stereotype younger mistress.

I don't know why you don't forcus less on concerns about the age gap and more on the fact that your partner and your children stand to pay the price for the fact that you are the subject of local gossip and judgement for being such an embarrassing cliche.

I have a feeling his wife has probably seen this all before and just let's him have his indulgent little hobbies knowing full well that he'll never leave her in a million years.

HappyJanuary Sat 26-Nov-16 06:14:48

Well you've said it yourself haven't you - there's no future to the relationship, you're just fucking an old man and making a fool of yourself. Would you find him as attractive if he was your window cleaner or the man on the till at the supermarket?

The worst thing is that you're also making a fool out of your dh. What will he do when he inevitably finds out? How will you feel when your kids know about it?

And his poor wife. Why would you want to be a part of humiliating her like that? How do you know she is turning a blind eye as opposed to being unaware, because he told you?

wingedphasmid Sat 26-Nov-16 13:26:27

I did expect negativity and appreciate all your replies.

Just to add there is no financial gain in this. Also, this man has supported me in bad times and helped my career along enormously.

Hoppinggreen Sat 26-Nov-16 13:28:11

He's helped your career along enormously?
Sounds like true love

user1479296630 Sat 26-Nov-16 13:32:46

You will live to regret this when your children are older and find out (which they will). Teenagers are not forgiving, they will despise you for it. For their sake you should end it.

HandyWoman Sat 26-Nov-16 13:47:36

Think many replies on here are really harsh. But this affair is a massive investment in your time which might be better spent elsewhere, building a future for yourself in your own right. Does the father of your children know about the relationship? I also wonder about the effect this will have on dc. They aren't stupid. If they find out in years to come they will potentially look back and think their family life was a lie when they realise mum and dad's relationship was a sham. While I understand the strength of feelings here, OP I just feel it's messy with fall out for the kids. What would you like to happen here, OP? How do you see it panning out?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 26-Nov-16 13:51:34

Also, this man has supported me in bad times and helped my career along enormously.

There we have it.....

Would you be with him if he wasn't rich, had influence and prominent in the community?

I think not

proastra Sat 26-Nov-16 13:53:40


WouldHave Sat 26-Nov-16 13:54:06

Just to add there is no financial gain in this. Also, this man has supported me in bad times and helped my career along enormously.

Can you not see that the second sentence in this paragraph completely gives the lie to the first?

Dozer Sat 26-Nov-16 13:55:22

No financial gain in career progression?!

noego Sat 26-Nov-16 13:56:34

I am in my senior years and have emotional supportive relationships with younger people. I am not married and they are, we have kept these relationships platonic. The reason for this is that they are mainly confused about their current relationships. If they ever decide to leave their partners amicably and become single. Then it becomes a different. But I would never be the cause or reason to break up some ones marriage.

Kidnapped Sat 26-Nov-16 13:57:56

It is not the 36 year age gap that is wrong.

It is the fact that you are both married to other people.

wingedphasmid Sun 27-Nov-16 00:01:11

It's been two years and every day now. It just seems so hard to imagine leaving.

Emmageddon Sun 27-Nov-16 03:04:54

You are a stereotypical mistress, probably one in a long line of infatuated women. Imagine yourself in a decade. He'll be very old, will you still be devoting so much of your time to him?

Bluntness100 Sun 27-Nov-16 04:30:11

You are gaining if he's helping your career. I suspect you know that, ok it's not as blatant as leaving cash on the bedside table, but you are indeed getting something in return.

crje Sun 27-Nov-16 04:30:33

Sleeping your way to the top isn't career progression.

You sound very naive op

PetalMettle Sun 27-Nov-16 04:35:06

How are you seeing him for 4 hours a day if you've got a career and presumably you need to be at home in the evenings?

wingedphasmid Sun 27-Nov-16 04:47:05

Helping in a supportive manner isn't however financial gain.. it's what most relationships should involve. Career progression through sleeping with an employer would be. Advice and inspiration is quite different.

And yes, four hours sounds a lot but my work is very flexible hours and often evenings thus days tend to be free, or we meet when my children are asleep. It's works out to an average of four hours perror day, with the occasional overnight in a hotel when there is opportunity.

crje Sun 27-Nov-16 04:57:27

So he is a mentor with benefits.

Do the pros outweigh the cons?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now