I've had enough! AIBU to want to stab my dh

[Imgoing2killhim]

As usual, I'm lying in bed unable to sleep due to my oh's extremely loud snoring. I'm only averaging about 3 hours sleep each night and I'm struggling to function.

I use earplugs, but they don't even come close to muffling the noise, plus they make my ears hurt. I've tried nudging him, but it only stops him for a few seconds, and he moans that he's too tired for work so I feel guilty, especially as he's the only earner.

I've tried going to bed/sleep before him, but it's not practical as due to pain I take a while to fall asleep and he's asleep within seconds. Also, I wake up when he comes in anyway and then I can't get back to sleep as he's snoring within seconds. He also likes to be in bed for 10-11pm.

I'm unable to sleep during the day and I'm in pain constantly due to poor health. The only way I can fall asleep is through sheer exhaustion. He snores so loudly that I can't even concentrate or watch TV to pass the time.

I've tried talking to him but he just doesn't want to know. His excess weight is the problem (his snoring stopped when he previously lost weight a few years ago), but he says he doesn't have the time to exercise or diet.

I've explained how unhappy it's making me and how much I'm struggling, but nothing changes and I'm starting to really resent him, which has led me to being snappy with him during the day.

I find myself becoming annoyed over the smallest thing and I've no compassion for him if he's feeling under the weather.

It's so bad I want to punch him in the face (or stab him through the heart) just so that I can get some sleep!

I'm at the end of my tether and I keep breaking into tears for no reason.

Every 10 days or so I'll sleep for 10 hours, which is far too long for me as I'm then in agony from being in bed too long.

I've said to him that I can't do this much longer and if he doesn't at least try to stop we'll have to have separate rooms, but he's so loud that I know it won't make any difference (I already sleep on the recliner chair in the lounge most nights, so I know how much the noise carries).

I'm going out of my mind. Please help.

[Imgoing2killhim]

BTW, this has been going on for over 5 years. I've slept in the recliner for most of that time, but I'm sick of it.

Then he wonders why I don't initiate sex anymore, but that's another story!

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

Is there room in your house for you to have separate bedrooms?

[Imgoing2killhim]

Not currently, hence me sleeping in the lounge, but we should have a spare room by the summer. Unfortunately, I doubt that it's far enough away to make much difference.

[TheStoic]

Separate rooms is your first step. Then separate houses. Another adult preventing me from sleeping would be unacceptable to me.

[AmeliaJack]

Record him, let him hear just how loud it is and then send him to the doctor. There are things they can do.

[Idefix]

Yes to Aj people really don't believe how bad they are. But don't kill him I is not worth the time...

[goddessofsmallthings]

he moans that he's too tired for work

Tell him that he must make an appointment with his GP as he's putting his health at risk:
www.nhs.uk/conditions/Sleep-apnoea/Pages/Introduction.aspx

If his GP doesn't take his condition/symptoms seriously, change the GP!

[CouldIHaveIt]

No, you're not. I'll be your alibi 💐

Many years ago when I still lived at home, my room was next to my parents. My mum used to complain about my Dad's snoring disturbing her sleep. I bit my tongue for the longest time until I flipped one day and told her how bloody insufferable it was when they were BOTH at it 😖🤔😫. I was only 15 so too young to leave home, I lasted until I was 17. The silence was amazing! 😂


Has he tried sleep rings? They're supposed to be quite good. You put them on about an hour before bed. I can't remember how/why just now?

[happyhearts7]

Imgoing2killhim I feel your pain... I'm in our living room doing paperwork on Mumsnet and my DH is in bed, I've just phoned his mobile upstairs to tell him to stop snoring he's driving me potty!!!

He's snores every bloomin night, even our DSs complain!! I must check out them snoring rings someone mentioned.

Damm it.. he's started snoring again

[QuoteMeYouFuckers]

In up at this time because my dh is snoring/clicking/breathing too and woke me up when he came to bed. there are times when I imagine what it must feel like to be able to just switch off my hearing at night and then switch it back on again in the morning.
How many different types of ear plugs have you tried? There is a website, British snoring and sleep apnoea association, and they have a wide range of them, in bulk packs and smaller trial packs so you can see what works. They also sell a range of other products for the snorer and give information about the different types of snoring and when you/your partner ought to seek medical help.
For now I'd advise setting up the spare room as your own bedroom as soon as you can manage it and explain exactly why. I second the idea above of filming your h's snoring, perhaps over several nights, and giving him information about the various medical problems associated with the snoring. If he refuses to seek help, or to diet (no time to diet? That's the biggest bullshit excuse ever), I'd seriously consider leaving because he's blatantly disregarding your basic human right to a good night's sleep.

[myoriginal3]

Awake due to foghorn so this is timely.

[HateSummer]

Ugh. Been married to dh for 10 years and he's a snorer. Separate rooms works for us but not always possible as dh swaps beds with one of the children and sometimes moving them to our bed is a nuisance if they're already asleep. So what happens a majority of the time is that I go to bed first. He comes up when I'm fast asleep so I'm oblivious to his snoring.

But I know that stabby feeling. I used to kick him in bed and poke him, but a gentle caress on the cheek or forehead works better, it soothes him and stops the snoring I find

[Joysmum]

I feel your pain. My DH was referred on to ENT and we saw a consultant last week.

I'd recorded my DH sleeping and played it to him as he wasn't taking it seriously despite me having moved bedrooms over a year ago. This prompted him to go to the GP, especially as I'd pointed out we'd had a good sex life until I moved rooms and was too young for us to be seperate, plus we can't go on holiday anymore unless we get 2 rooms and me and DD share.

We tried me going to bed first but that didn't work. The foam earplugs kept falling out so I had impressions done of my ears and made to measure earplugs made. They took a bit of getting used to (pressure in my ears like skimming deep underwater) but still didn't cut out enough noise. I then moved on to earbuds and played podcasts all night but although I slept, it wasn't quality sleep so I was still tired.

The consultant said my DH's airway is narrow and although my DH has lost weight over the years, age means you lose muscle and skin tone and this is why his snoring has worsened and losing weight won't even be enough. I'd thought that might be the case as my FIL snored until the day he died when he'd dropped to less than 8.5 stone. As DH's weight loss has meant he hasn't had sleep apnoea for years so the NHS won't fund anything. There are 3 stages to go through to try to solve the snoring.

1. snorban. This goes in the mouth to pull the lower jaw further forward which opens the airway wider and works in 80% of cases. £45 inc P&P. Consultant said it's obviously uncomfortable to start with and requires a constant trial of at least 3-4 weeks to see if it works. We've bought one and DH is trialling wearing them around the house when awake to get used to it before starting the trial when he's got time off work because he initially won't be able to sleep as well until he's got used to it. TBH if he stops the trial due to not being able to sleep rather than it not working, I'll go fucking loopy given my years of not being able to sleep and his dismissal of that so I'm dreading this happening.
   
   www.snorban.co.uk
   
   
2. if that doesn't work, you can hire a CPAP machine. A one week trial would be enough to know if it'll be effective. A mask provides continuous positive air pressure which apparently works for 60% of those who aren't helped by snorban. It's obviously more uncomfortable than the snorban so best to stick with snorban if that will work. It also makes a noise but not as noisy as snoring! If this works we'd have to find buying one ourselves and they are expensive but it'd be worth it.
   
   www.britishsnoring.co.uk/shop/cpap_sleep_apnoea.php
   
   www.britishsnoring.co.uk/cpap_rental.php?PHPSESSID=cub245pfu3dr3uie6si3pepfu7
   
   
3. surgery.
   
   I hope this helps somebody. I wish somebody with experience had written this sequence of what to trial years ago.

[jeaux90]

Yep I finished with someone lovely last year because of his snoring. I can't deal with sleep deprivation and it really put me off him totally. All good advice here and in the interim the tempur pillow has saved my best mate's marriage. It's stopped her husband snoring but he doesn't have any underlying issues.

[Chops2016]

If a man had posted this about his wife I can't help but think replies would be a bit different. It is very unreasonable for you to be saying you feel like punching or stabbing him for something he cannot help. It sounds like he works very hard as the sole earner and should have your support rather than lack of compassion when he's under the weather. Just as he should have compassion for you struggling with getting enough sleep. Does he not show any concern for your sleep problems?

However on the flipside, he should be seeking help about the snoring if it is affecting you this much. Perhaps he isn't aware there is treatment available to help? I agree with the other poster who said you could record it just to show him how bad his snoring is as he may not realise.

My husband is bad for snoring as well, although not as bad as this. I understand it is very irritating at stupid o'clock in the morning. He often wakes me up and baby (4 months old), and it's usually me that has to see to baby when this happens, but he works full time and I'm on maternity leave so I don't begrudge him. He doesn't do it through choice.

I hope you can convince him to go to the gp and get some treatment to solve this issue x

[Stormwhale]

I take phenergan for this exact reason. If I didn't I would have stabbed dp by now. It's available without prescription and is a sedating antihistamine. It can interact with Meds though so do your research if you want to use it.

[Hassled]

Separate bedrooms were the only solution for us - unfortunately we had to wait until one of the DCs had actually grown up and left home, to have a spare room, and by then I was murderous through sleep deprivation. DH in fairness has tried to resolve things - he lost weight, he cut down drinking, he's been to ENT, a sleep clinic etc. Still snores like a warthog. I have no advice but a load of sympathy - it is horrific.

[Bloopbleep]

You have my sympathies OP. I'm a terrible sleeper at the best of times but my oh makes the mattress vibrate with his snoring (and not in a good way!) He was given a mouthguard thing to wear by hospital as he has some physical deviation causing his snoring but he refuses to wear it as it makes him "panicky" - poor wee lamb. So I'm expected to suffer his snoring and not get enough sleep because the bunnywunny doesn't feel comfywumfy in his mouthguard.

I'm all for LTB. Stabbing him gives no guarantees your cell mate won't be a worse snorer

[user1471462428]

You don't have to be obese to have Sleep Apnea!!! Anyone can have it. Men, women, obese, thin, young and old. Joysmum I hope you're DH has had a overnight sleep study to ensure there is no cessation of breathing. Please also read the NICE guidelines for treatment of OSA as you've been given poor advice. Snor-ban are for treatment of snoring and aren't particularly effective in treating OSA whereas a CPAP machine is the gold standard treatment. If you get a new machine and put your mask on correctly then it shouldn't be noisy. Please please take snoring seriously. Untreated OSA can led to heart attacks and strokes.

[cooldarkroom]

OH God I am with you on this. my H is overweight, drinks too much & snores so that my DC can hear him down the hall with the doors shut.
Nightly traumatic lack of sleep has destroyed my life; I have been sleep deprived for 30 years Not ONE full night's sleep. He won't do anything & complains when I poke or shove or beg him to roll over.
He won't speak to the Dr, never mind operate ! I mean he's sleeping, he isn't bothered is he ?
I have tried (obviously) all the earplug options, including expensive moulded ones for drummers......(But also when the DC were younger I couldn't cut myself off from all noise, as who was going to get up if there was a problem? clearly not H......) I still hear him it vibrates the bed. We have separate mattresses too now.
Worse, if I get up to sleep on the sofa, or any other free room, he gets up early & bangs into the room sulking, saying "Oh you're there".
I have threatened to go & sleep in a hotel or at a friend's house, just to get some rest, but that would involve him looking after DCs, joke

I am currently hoping he does have a heart attack.

[Imgoing2killhim]

I had a long reply but I've lost it somehow. Will try again.

[Imgoing2killhim]

Lol, thanks couldI. Bloop, you're right, lol, I could end up trapped in a small cell with someone worse (even though I'm not sure that's possible).

stoic, aj, quote, goddess and fix:

I've been sleeping in another room for years (usually the lounge). Atm, we have workmen in and we're sharing a bed whilst we wait for the spare room to be built.

I've tried 5 to 6 types of earplugs to no avail. I haven't tried the specially moulded ones and tbh, I don't want to have to use them. I've recorded him, but the quality wasn't great and he didn't think it sounded that bad.

Joy, the problem is that he doesn't accept that he has a problem and says he's too busy to go to the GP anyway.

Hate, in general I use the soft method and only resort to poking and shoving if that doesn't work. The biggest problem is, as happy has found out, it only stops it for a few mins at the most.

I'll look up the sleep rings though as anything is worth a try.

Chops, with respect, I think it's more unreasonable that this has been going on for years and he won't do anything about it.
He's not ill or under the weather otherwise I would make allowances. He works hard, but he seems to think that because I'm a sahm that it doesn't matter if I'm tired or not. I still have to look after 2 DC, animals galore, I do volunteer work every week for 1 or 2 days/week and I work from home part time.

I used to snore very badly as I suffered from OSA. I first went to the GP because it was affecting his quality of sleep and I was worried about him driving, etc, whilst tired. It turned out that I stopped breathing 25-30x every hour. Sometimes for upto a minute. I used a mouthguard (even though it was awful) until I'd lost enough weight that the condition resolved itself. I haven't snored since (6-7 years now). I'm only asking for the same consideration.

He lost weight a couple of years ago and kept it off for about 5 months. His snoring almost stopped completely.

It sounds dramatic but it's killing our marriage and sex life. I'm starting to really resent him and it's showing. Also, not sharing a bed isn't good for general intimacy and I miss that. I don't want this to be my life.

[Idefix]

I would try recording again, the other thing to try is a fitness tracker that gives you data for sleep?

It must seem so difficult to live with him not seeking help after everything you did to resolve your own issue. Would it be possible to invite a friend over to stay when the building work is over who could be vey upfront about the issue over breakfast?

I recently had a pt who came after his roommate on a works trip had to be given his own room due to his snoring, his wife had been trying to get him to attend for years...

[Hiphopopotamus]

I realise you may want to stab me for this smug answer but have you ever tried embracing the noise? My DP snores like a warthog - way worse on his back. However, I realised I couldn't change the noise so I've changed the way I see the noise. Instead of getting irritated, I embrace it, and see it as a soothing noise. I'm now genuinely comforted by it - it reminds me that my DP is in bed next to me, that he's right there, and that everything is ok.

[Thatwaslulu]

Would he consider seeing a doctor for OSA diagnosis if you didn't make it all about his weight? Whilst you are possibly right that obesity can lead to OSA, the reality is that you are struggling to sleep and a means to an end to help you sleep could be to pretend that you are concerned he might have the same condition that you had, and you are worried for his health - a change of tack might sound less nagging.

I have OSA and use a CPAP machine. It is silent and I have a really comfortable mask - I won't win any prizes for sexiness in bed but I don't keep my DH awake worrying about me stopping breathing any more and I wake up feeling refreshed.