Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband had sex with his cousin...

(162 Posts)
user1479512536 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:54:32

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.


InTheKitchenAtParties Fri 25-Nov-16 23:59:54

'I don't like touching vaginas' ?????????

Find a man who does. End of

Murphysgirl Sat 26-Nov-16 00:00:34

I'm not sure I understand what the issue is. They were just a year apart in age and it was consensual. Why on earth would that make you want to leave him? hmm

Murphysgirl Sat 26-Nov-16 00:01:34

And why are you not happy leaving your son with him?!

Geretrude Sat 26-Nov-16 00:03:09

So he had consensual sex with someone he knew well when he was a teenager. And?

user1479512536 Sat 26-Nov-16 00:04:05

Because it is his cousin. Someone who is a family member, who he met at family occasions.

I have never ever had sexual feelings towards a family member of mine, so this to me is very weird.

Geretrude Sat 26-Nov-16 00:04:34

Sorry was intimate with, not had sex with

Geretrude Sat 26-Nov-16 00:05:10

It's not illegal. You both sound a bit mixed up

user1479512536 Sat 26-Nov-16 00:05:12

My dispute isn't the fact he was intimate with someone when he was younger, I was intimate with guys as a teenage girl. But not people who were considered family?!

MidsummersNight Sat 26-Nov-16 00:06:52

Cousins are weird. There's a weird boundary there as they are usually very close. I was very close with my cousins but they were mostly female, not that I'd have had any sexual feelings I don't think.

You also say 2nd cousin, how closely related are they? Through marriage or blood?

IIRC, I don't think there's anything illegal about sexual relations with your 2nd cousin.

I don't know why you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving your son with him? Especially as he said he felt it was uncomfortable and weird...

Murphysgirl Sat 26-Nov-16 00:07:00

It's perfectly legal!

ChocoChou Sat 26-Nov-16 00:07:02

There's absolutely no reason at all you should be concerned to leave your son with him due to the fact he fooled around with his 2nd cousin. At all.

On the other hand, I agree with a PP and say you should go find yourself a man who likes touching vaginas and who doesn't want you to be large, blonde and Asian all at the same time hmm

Northernlurker Sat 26-Nov-16 00:07:42

It was his cousin not his sister!

Sounds like there are other issues though.

user1479512536 Sat 26-Nov-16 00:08:44

They are related through blood and would see each other at family occasions such as Christmas, family dinners.

To me the very thought of even seeing a family member in that way is totally alien. It makes me feel physically ill to think about having relations with someone who is considered family/is blood related to me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 26-Nov-16 00:08:54

My form tutor at school was married to his cousin. It's not that unusual.

Your reaction to this seems extreme considering you've stayed with him when he's made comments about you not being his type or not liking vaginas.

BratFarrarsPony Sat 26-Nov-16 00:09:46

he had sex with his second cousin when they were teenagers?
yes? and?
Why would that mean you couldn't leave him with his son?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 26-Nov-16 00:09:51

My great grandparents were first cousins. As were my great grandfather's parents. Apart from the horns I seem to be reasonably normal.

But joking aside - why are you with a bloke who describes his "type" as people who are not you and says he doesn't like touching vaginas. There are a lot of men out there who really like touching vaginas. You presumably like having your vagina touched. I feel as though there is a happy solution here.

lakeswimmer Sat 26-Nov-16 00:10:38

I don't see the problem with him fooling around with his cousin as a teenager - you can get married to a first cousin.

mortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 00:12:07

"Doesn't like touch by vaginas?!

Find a man or woman who does!!!

Next time he instigated anythingbid just say, "sorry, I don't enjoy touching 'pricks'"

MidsummersNight Sat 26-Nov-16 00:12:08

I find it weird you're happy to put up with a man who openly says he doesn't like touching vaginas, would prefer you to be x, y & z and this is why he doesn't engage in satisfactory sex with you.... but the straw that breaks the camels back is him having legal, consenting sex with a distant cousin of his.


user1479512536 Sat 26-Nov-16 00:12:36

Yes whilst it's not illegal and was commonly practised in the past, I just can't get my head around it.

For me my cousins were my family. Like brothers or sisters. Not people I would ever consider sexual relations with. The thought of finding my cousin attractive or doing stuff with them just completely disgusts me.

GirlOverboard Sat 26-Nov-16 00:12:52

He hasn't done anything illegal. And from the way you describe it, it sounds like he could have been pressured into sex with this girl (and the fact he mentioned it when you asked about abuse seems relevant). To say you don't want to leave your son with your DH is pretty awful. If you'd admitted to a bad early sexual experience wouldn't you expect some support and understanding from your DH?

nolongersurprised Sat 26-Nov-16 00:13:09

I'm not convinced that a bit of fumbling with a cousin of around the same age has resulted in him not wanting to give you any sexual pleasure. He sounds like a terrible lover.

user1479512536 Sat 26-Nov-16 00:14:07

And no I am not happy with the state of things, he is currently looking for somewhere else to live and has been for the last 2 weeks. But we had a discussion tonight in a last ditch attempt to reconcile.

This was just another thing to add onto the pile of an already messed up relationship.

greenfolder Sat 26-Nov-16 00:14:08

I think a bit of petting with a distant relative as a teenager is not your problem.

If this is a useful excuse to leave him please do. He sounds dreadful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now