Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has anyone just never introduced new man to DC?

(32 Posts)
thestamp Fri 25-Nov-16 21:34:08

some may remember me from my leaving-my-dh thread last year... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2495459-aibu-im-just-so-tired-v-v-long

I've somehow found myself with a new man I may or may not have dithered about committing to him for an obscenely long time but in my defence my marriage burned my fingers

I've sort of decided to just never introduce him to my children, who are still small (all under 5). Again this may or may not be because I am shit scared of well everything to do with men really, even when they're lovely like this one is

How feasible is this? I have three nights "off" every week, I spend two or all of them with New Man, I think that's quite a lot really.

Is it necessary to blend a new partner into your children's lives, if you don't have to? I can understand how for many people they are sort of forced to, because they have limited time without their children around, but I don't have that pressure very much.

Sometimes I think I would love to have New Man around almost every night. I sometimes miss him really dreadfully at night after the DC are asleep and I'm alone in bed. And then at other times I think, thank fuck we don't live together/don't spend almost every evening together. Penises Men are wonderful but I've realized I'm quite introverted and enjoy being on my own.

Plus, isn't it really quite difficult to combine competing Mummy-is-cuddling-new-man with DC-still-want-to-be-main-cuddle-receivers priorities? Never mind New-man-is-childless-and-probably-has-no-idea-how-demanding-and-limiting-small-DC-can-be ...

Anyone got any advice?? Should I start introducing him to the children, or should I plan to, or is it possible just to leave it indefinitely?

I suppose the best way to word the question... what can go wrong in NOT introducing them/ having them share space at times?

ohwhatsinausername Fri 25-Nov-16 21:52:22

I think about this too...

My last relationship finished nearly a year ago and ended badly. It's been nice just to have a year out and focus on myself and DC's.

Had a few things in between but strictly in my own time and nothing serious. Wouldn't dream of introducing anyone to DC's but I was thinking the other night how I would quite like to live two lives almost.

Focus on being a Mum and then in my childfree time, enjoy being with my partner and absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that...

Eventually I think I would gradually introduce them to Mummy's friend, odd days out etc but maybe after a year or so.

I think I'd want to keep him to myself a bit first and make sure I could see it was hopefully a long term thing and do it slowly to make sure he didn't bolt haha but I know that doesn't work for everyone like you've said.

So I don't think it's a strange idea you saying you don't want them to meet yet, eventually you might, just don't rush. I'm sure you'll know when the time feels right in future =)

TheNaze73 Fri 25-Nov-16 22:46:23

Leave it as long as possible & just live for the present & enjoy the dating. I agree with you op, a couple of nights a week is more than enough in the early days, especially in view of where you were.
Just enjoy it. It'll be inevitable they'll have to be introduced at some stage but, in the first couple of years there's no need to push it. You sound like you have your head switched on. Good luck

thestamp Sat 26-Nov-16 14:09:01

ohwhat that's what I'm thinking, that two lIves comment you made. It''s been really nice. I do miss him at times and sometimes find myself lonely for adult company when out with the dc... but not sure it's worth trying to install him as a feature of family life... keeping him separate keeps what we have special and stress free tbh. Might be worth the occasional lonely time.

My friends are pressuring me a bit because they want me there for family things, where you have two partners present and the children all play together... in their eyes I should just bring new man. But I think I'm going to resist

MrOod Sat 26-Nov-16 16:36:31

All fair enough keeping it kind of casual and at arm’s length, of course.

But on the other side, we’re here for love aren’t we? If he’s man enough he’ll face down his demons to be with you in love. You know, when you move in with a guy, the painbodies come out, so it does make sense to make sure he’s up for that battle (can he, quite literally, get over his self?), but unless you do throw all your chips in, the both of you, you’ll never experience that extraordinarily sweet thing we all crave, the deep rooted tenderness of real togetherness.

User1528372638 Sat 26-Nov-16 16:39:39

If he is happy with the arrangement then it can work as long as you want. I know someone who has been with their DP for 15 years, she sees him 2/3 times a week and they live apart.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 26-Nov-16 16:50:45

I'm coming it from another perspective, as my DP was a single dad when I met him. The children were 5, I was 35.

I think you have to be very very honest with this man, what does he want? If my DP had been considering never introducing me to his children and spending a life separately from me but together I would have had to terminate the relationship as that would have been very unfair to me.

DorindaJ Sat 26-Nov-16 16:53:55

Another vote for the keep is separate and enjoy it club. Like you said you have the best of both worlds ' keeping him separate keeps what we have special and stress free tbh. Might be worth the occasional lonely time.'

I think changing things to fit in with friends/mates is a sure way to ruin things. So far, the situation works for you and your children. Your fella does not have to be completely enmeshed into your life in order for the relationship to be special/significant.

BlueFolly Sat 26-Nov-16 16:56:29

Of course you don't have to introduce him to you DCs and the idea that you'd do so cos it would make social things easier for your friends is just ridiculous.

I've been seeing a guy for over a year now and he's met my DD so he isn't some kind of secret, but we don't spend time all together as a three - I've no desire to add to our family and I don't want her too getting attached to him. He would probably prefer it for us to be a bit more blended, but frankly it isn't negotiable and he knows that.

HandyWoman Sat 26-Nov-16 17:35:53

I totally relate to this. Have also had my fingers majorly burnt - so it would take something very massive to persuade me to let anyone merge into the sanctuary of my home life. And I'm fiercely protective of my kids' (young teens) stability and also enjoy alone time.

That said, I've been in a relationship with the most delightful man for 9 months. I miss him often when he isn't around. But equally keeping our relationship mainly away from the dc keeps it simple/stress free which is great for nurturing a new relationship. If that's how you like it then just keep it that way.

My BF has met my kids on a number of occasions and they are very comfortable with him around. But we aren't 'blending' no siree, I have yet to meet his daughter.

There's a whole spectrum that goes from 'not meeting' to 'moving in'. The great thing is you can make of this what you wish. It's part of the joy of this new phase of your life smile

Changing it to suit your friends is a really stupid reason though. Do what feels right for you. If you're both happy then just enjoy.

jeaux90 Sat 26-Nov-16 18:22:06

There is no prescription for this you have to do what's right for you and the dc. When I split with my narc ex 6 years ago I took a few years out of relationships. I dated, concentrated in my career and my dd. Then last year (5 years in) I did introduce someone just casually, the odd afternoon here and there and then I finished it, he snores ha ha and the rest of it wasn't right so I had an easy out with my dd. I have been seeing someone since April and this time it does feel right so he does now stay over. This all said we all make our own rules and as a single mum to a dd I want her to understand why I make certain strong decisions. I told her the reason why we didn't see x anymore after last year, I think it's important to set an example in everything we do to our kids and that also means them learning through our "mistakes".
Follow your instincts, if it feels right to keep it separate for a few years like I did then do that. Xxx

ocelot7 Sat 26-Nov-16 18:59:28

Once you think a relationship is longterm I don't know how you can keep the 2 halves of yr life separate? But who am i to talk- I didn't date at all for so many yrs when DS was young...
Hello Handy smile

HandyWoman Sat 26-Nov-16 19:07:31

Ooh yey ocelot smile

<waves>

grin

Simonneilsbeard Sat 26-Nov-16 19:19:38

It took me 3 years. We were long distance, I travelled to see him at weekends when I didn't have the children..we spent a lot of time together just having fun as a couple..I didn't feel there was a need to rush.
We didn't meet eachothers families either. It just wasn't what I wanted. I loved him and I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed of our relationship I just really wanted to enjoy what we had! When it became evident that he was serious about me and wanting to be a family I introduced him to the children. It's been very smooth sailing in that regard.
Just do what you feel is right for you and your children smile

suedechocolate Sat 26-Nov-16 19:29:34

Have you thought it might make life difficult when the children are older?

DorindaJ Sat 26-Nov-16 21:04:26

Why would it make life difficult when the children are older suede?

Bluetrews25 Sun 27-Nov-16 07:49:28

Just putting it out there - some DCs get so used to having DM all to themselves that there can be major strops when a DP arrives on the scene, and have trouble sharing. Not saying anyone should consider introducing DCs to a string of interchangeable DPs, but is it worth at least mentioning your new friend to them from time to time, so that when you do eventually get them together the DCs are not totally shocked, surprised and potentially jealous? Or when older feel lied to by omission? (So you've been together for 10 years and never told me??)
Of course, you may already be doing this, OP.
Hope the new relationship continues to go well.

clearcut Sun 27-Nov-16 13:10:02

I never introduced any men to my DS until I met DH - I had lots of boyfriends before that, ranging from very casual arrangements to relationships lasting up to 18 months, but I suppose I never quite felt they were keepers so I kept the relationship entirely separate from family life. The relationships were just about two single people going out and having fun, so it wasn't necessary for them to have any involvement with my dc (usually I would stay over at their place rather than them coming to my home).

I met DH when DS was 8 and I introduced them after we'd been dating for a year as it took that long for me to feel it was going to be a long term thing, but we didn't move in together until DS was 14. We had some shared days out and holidays before we moved in but most of our relationship was about us going out as a couple, and if we spent the night together it was always at his place so DS would never wake up to see him in the kitchen or anything. I was careful to take things at a slow pace and now DS gets on great with DH, and we never had any issues at all with strops or jealousy.

Personally I enjoy my own company as well, and after living for years just on my own with DS, I do find it difficult having another adult around and having to share a bed sometimes. But I do get a lot of alone time to myself while DH is at work so that helps balance things out.

thestamp Mon 28-Nov-16 17:09:58

is it worth at least mentioning your new friend to them from time to time

Agreed, this is a good idea, to be clear I do do this already and have for a couple of months.

The children know his name and that he is my friend (among my many other friends who I chat to the DC about as we share about what we did that day, etc.). I have shown them his FB photo (again, just as they've seen photos of other friends that they haven't met). He sometimes will send little things to them (sweets, small toys) via me as well, and DC know that they are from him.

So he isn't a secret. I just don't want to combine the two worlds.

I have a sort of half-plan in my head where when youngest is at school age-ish, I will feel more ready to introduce. They just seem so small still.

And yes I think I am just shit scared of taking the step. I want my DC to myself where only my actions/mood/etc affect them while they are with me. I want them on a safe little island with me for a little while still tbh.

thestamp Mon 28-Nov-16 17:14:21

clearcut I can imagine a similar time pattern occurring in my situation. I've known New Man for a year now, only now am I starting to feel he is a long term thing, and I don't think I would want a full on domestic situation with any man for several years. If we were together for many years without moving in, I'd be fine with that. If we did move in, it would be when the children are in a much more independent phase of life.

Luckily New Man also enjoys his own company and is not desperate to settle down/have a family life right away, so I think there's space for us to just enjoy our time together.

HandyWoman Mon 28-Nov-16 17:29:15

It's so understandable, when you've extricated yourself from an EA marriage, to want to protect yours and by extension your dc's emotional stability with that 'safe little island'. I still feel a bit like this 3.5 years down the line from all the turmoil of my marriage. One year out is still really fresh for you.

Time to just enjoy this phase. It sounds like you have a really good idea of how you want this to play out. It suits both of you and your dc. I think you can't go 'too slow' where dc are involved.

Enjoy, OP flowers

2rebecca Mon 28-Nov-16 17:35:05

I wouldn't be happy with this if I was your boyfriend. I wouldn't want to be put in a box in someone's life market "not suitable for children".
You can introduce someone as a good friend without making out they are a new daddy or about to move in.
Life is short, children grow up and leave home.
Being a mum is just part of who I am.
If this suits both of you fine but a year down the line it sounds as though you maybe aren't that in to each other if you're still semi-detached.

thestamp Mon 28-Nov-16 20:13:04

I wouldn't want to be put in a box in someone's life market "not suitable for children"

He's not, at all, and he knows I don't think that of him. He works with children, and adores them. He's perfectly suitable for children. It's just that my children were living in an extremely stressed situation with their dad and me until early this year...

And obviously I have told him how I feel/that I'm not going to introduce him to them (yet?). His opinion is that if he had his hypothetical children only 4 nights a week he would not want to split his attention, especially when the children are so young and have been through so much. I do take his opinion seriously. But he doesn't have children of his own, so I wanted to hear from others.

We are very into each other. I think that's half the reason we like to have each other to ourselves... I am scared though, which he knows.

Ohb0llocks Mon 28-Nov-16 21:29:24

DP met DS by accident, he popped round one evening well after DS had gone to bed for a cuppa on his way home from work. DS promptly woke up and vomited all over himself, his cot and his bedroom. I legged it upstairs to him, brought DS down to clean him up and apologised, said leave if you want to. He got stuck in and helped with the vommy aftermath. DS adores him now. Says he's his best friend in the world (he's almost 3 now, this was well over 18m ago)

BlueFolly Mon 28-Nov-16 21:48:01

I want them on a safe little island with me

I can really appreciate this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now