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How to deal with this

(32 Posts)
3rdbump Fri 25-Nov-16 21:21:16

I mentioned on previous threads about my partners drinking habits. Little one has been off nursery all week with a virus. Meanwhile I have been extremely busy with work orders these are items that take time to make hence why he goes to nursery 4 x per week . I have 50 + orders I needed to do before today. OH agreed to have the kids last night so I can work through the night to get some out today (I have customers getting impatient ) so instead he goes to a car auction straight from work then turns up gone midnight pissed up 😠 told him this morning that he would need to take a day off work today so I can work. He goes off in his van at 8am tells me he will be back at 9 so I can work. Shows up at 1 😠 I worked till 4 then he had to interview someone at 5 (fair enough) promises to be back by 7 latest but instead he's been drinking again. I tracked him down at around 8 ish hoping he would be sober still. Found him in the local pub slumped on the bar slurring. He got in the car (in hindsight I should of left him) gave me a shit load of abuse calling ne a twat, cut etc etc i hust ignored him, he was getting really angry and as we got closer to home he actually leaned down and grabbed my foot on the break!! Luckily I was only going less than 25 down a country track but still, he kept hold of my foot and wouldn't let me drive until I agreed I was an arsehole and I had caused this mess I got home and his dad ws with the kids (he showed up earlier to see them ) and went into a rant in front of our 4 yr old calling me a fucking twat etc 😦 following me around. I have managed to keep it together and not burst into tears like I felt like doing. He got bored and wandered off. He's not as pissed now and he's in the other room watching a film with our 4 yr old and our 13 yr old. What a mess sad he keeps telling me it's my fault and I have caused all this tonight and how much of a twat I am. Really I am so stressed out and tired I don't need this right now. Normally when he comes in from drinking I pretend to be asleep as if he knows I am awake he will try pick an argument or his usual is whata aping me calling me a slag etc....The next day if he remembers he will half heartily mumble "sorry" or "no I didnt" as he "can't remember" everything will be roses until he does it again - sometimes it's a few days later other times a month or so. He's never been physically violent to me although he did smash the house up once on our baby's due date (he was pissed up)
It sounds terrible doesn't it reading it back i just feel sad that I don't really have any family or friends around here I can talk it through with. I have lost loads of confidence even in things like driving?! As soon as he's not back from work and I know he's drinking I get really agitated , anxious and stressed I can't help it. He can have his good points, when he's not drinking he's a good dad l, he has always worked hard, he will cook and recently he has built me some stables and spent the whole days instaling lights etc for me for my stables down the field. He will take me to horse shows and drive around the trailer and he always treats the kids.
On the other hand he's very changeable when he's sober, some days he's really easy going and a laugh and we get on. Other days (which can last weeks) he's irritable, very argumentative and just not nice to be around.
It's as if he is 2 different people trapped in the one body. It's very odd sad
Sorry for the rant it's my 2nd post this eve but need to let it out

baconandeggies Fri 25-Nov-16 21:34:52

How to deal with this... honestly I'd chuck him out. His behaviour is downright dangerous and abusive. How can you bear it?

woodenmouse Fri 25-Nov-16 21:36:42

I don't really have any advice but I didn't want to read and run. It sounds like something has to change, especially if he's behaving like that in front of your children. Will he go to the Dr for help?

baconandeggies Fri 25-Nov-16 21:38:34

You say he's never been physically violent with you - he has. He forced your foot whilst you were driving. This is physical violence.

Does he accept he has an alcohol problem?

Have you been in touch with Alanon?

BantyCustards Fri 25-Nov-16 21:38:44

In three letters:


3rdbump Fri 25-Nov-16 21:40:30

Wooden mouse - he won't talk about it when he's sober. He said he doesn't have a problem then will "prove it" and not drink for a while, sometimes up to a month then he starts the cycle again. He laughs it off. He tends to find these friends also with drinking issues and goes off with them. I can't stand it I hate it. Been saying for years I need to get out but I never manage too 😦

RandomMess Fri 25-Nov-16 21:42:41

You need to throw him out, how long before something awful happens sad you can't rely on him for anything.

What does he contribute because it would appear to be nothing at the moment. He is an alcoholic and it will always come first, second, third, fourth etc.

baconandeggies Fri 25-Nov-16 21:46:07

I've just skim-read a few of your previous threads and can see this has been going on for a long time.

Have you ever done the freedom programme online?

What exactly are you waiting for - for him to change for the better? Or to gather the courage / practical things to leave and go back up north where you will be supported?

What would he need to do to you or your children for that to be enough to leave? He's emotionally and physically abusive and an alcoholic to boot. Furthermore, he doesn't seem to give much of a shit about it.

Noodoodle Fri 25-Nov-16 22:09:30

You say he did this stuff in front of your 4 year old, did your 13 year old not hear? Did theu know he was drunk? And was your dad still there when he was treating you like that? This should be enough, a lot before this probably should have been enough, but you know his pattern now, he won't change... what if you had the kids in the car becaue you had nobody to watch them, what if there had been a car behind you when he made you stop? LEAVE. this is horrible. Can you stay with you parents? Let him pass out, and leave. OP you know this isn't right, please help yourself out of it flowers

woodenmouse Fri 25-Nov-16 23:09:56

Op if he's not willing to try and change or at least talk about it then I would say you have no choice but to leave. I know it's easier said than done but I don't think he's giving you much choice. Can you stay with your parents?

Nanny0gg Fri 25-Nov-16 23:24:27

Didn't his dad have anything to say about his son's abusive behaviour?

3rdbump Sat 26-Nov-16 15:03:14

No he never says anything. He just keeps out of it. Had aboit 2 hours sleep. Was up till around 2 as couldn't sleep. Finally dropped off and he came to bed then started pestering me for sex saying sorry etc....After me saying no and telling him to let me sleep he just carried on pestering me. Waking me up every 10 mins. Then the baby ws awake at 5 and ended up getting up at 6 feeling like crap. Yes got all the usual sorry etc and when I questioned him about his behaviour he just went quiet. Did some work this morning as he had the kids. We got in the car to go out and the 4ye old kicked off as he wanted to sit in the front. I told him no and he started crying, partner said "there you are out to cause trouble again. You can't help it can you?!" I mean what the actual fuck. Am back inside the house and he's gone to see his am dad with the 2 little ones. Just txt him to bring the kids back then he can find somewhete else to sleep tďonght House is a shit tip as he never tidys up so now got a shit load of house work to do (I really can't leave it I hate sitting around in an untidy house sad ) I just want to crawl into bed and shut the world out sad
On a better note I have arranged to visit my friends weekend after next so leas I have something to look forward to.

Whocansay Sat 26-Nov-16 15:12:14

Next he behaves like that when he's drunk film him. And make him watch it when he's sober so he knows what you have to put up with. He's an alcoholic. He can change, but he has to want to help himself.

AlabasterSnowball Sat 26-Nov-16 15:12:47

Oh Bump I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you'll get great advise here, but you must understand that this situation will not get better and now he's getting the children involved with his abuse (and it is abuse).
I really hope you find the strength to leave, you deserve so much better.

clumsyduck Sat 26-Nov-16 15:13:13

Oh op when I started reading I thought it was going to be he'd gone for a last minute night out and he been a selfish twat not thinking that you really need a hand so you can do your work ( haven't seen your other threads ) but clearly this is not out of character and so beyond a selfish one of

He sounds like an alcoholic
And the fact he blames you swears at you everything is your fault means he is also abusive , you've told him to sleep elsewhere will he ???

bluebeck Sat 26-Nov-16 20:15:05

Yes this sounds awful because it is awful.

Can you be really honest with yourself about why on earth you would stay in an abusive relationship like this, considering the impact on you and your DC?

Pollyanna9 Sat 26-Nov-16 20:20:51

So he's horrible when he's pissed AND when he's sober - is that right?

Even if not for yourself, you cannot stay with this man with your children experiencing this abuse and nastiness - it's going to have a huge effect on them. I'm 49 and have anxiety just from watching my parents argue with each other they didn't swear or anything and he didn't verbally abuse her and put her down - you have to do something even if it starts with the children's needs first.

You need to gain the insight that this relationship is damaging you and damaging your children and if your OH can forget what he has done when he's pissed, he could 'forget' hitting you or some other physical act - that your children also might witness or overhear.

It's really time to take stock and figure out how to protect your children and yourself. Seriously.

twattymctwatterson Sat 26-Nov-16 20:49:23

There's no amount of good that could outweigh this bad. He could have killed you in the car do you understand that? What happens if next time one of the kids is there?

woodenmouse Sat 26-Nov-16 21:04:58

Bump- how are you doing today?

3rdbump Sun 27-Nov-16 13:30:37

Wooden mouse am ok thanks. He's gone to work today so it's quiet. Avoided him last night and went to bed early and he thankfully stayed on the sofa. He thinks I have the problem as he doesn't see anything wrong with his drinking habits. He has a friend who is just as bad and thinks it's normal as he has always found others who like a drink. Everyone round the village thinks he's a Piss head (whispers I have heard) it's true. I guess am still with him because it's easy just to go along and think everything is okay on the good days. We are building a house and waiting to hear back about a loan to do so. My name is on the building plot (we are not married) I was hoping to stick it out till the house was built (summer) then live there alone with the kids. I don't know tho 😕 plan b was to maybe move to the town in the area - least there's a bit more going on! Plan c stay here and he moves out. Seems like a sensible plan as my business is set up here (work shop outside garage) handy for school and nursery. Then see how I feel jn a few months. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't really want to move back north though

HerOtherHalf Sun 27-Nov-16 13:42:23

You don't know what to do for the best? Really? Or you do and you're just afraid to? He's never going to change as long as he refuses to even accept he has a problem and that his behaviour is completelying unacceptable. You can change your situation though or just trundle on, accepting his abuse as your lot in life. Don't you think you deserve bethere?

crayfish Sun 27-Nov-16 13:45:53

Good god, he sounds awful. My exH was a bit like this but maybe not as regularly - would get extremely drunk and verbally abusive, call me all sorts, on occasion vomit all over our house, then pretend nothing had happened or give a half hearted apology the next day. He vomited all over the pub (not the toilets, the actual pub) on our anniversary and the final night we spent under the same roof he shit himself all over our living room.

This is what it's like to live with a drinker and just reading your post brings me out in a cold sweat to be honest. I chucked my ex out after the shit incident and there was no going back. We divorced a year later and I'm now married to a lovely normal man.

We didn't have kids and I know you do, but really, what are you getting out of this relationship? It's been going on a very long time, long enough for you to know he isn't going to change. I would throw him out and never look back, it's the only way.

Lotsofqueries Sun 27-Nov-16 13:51:29

You have to think of your children and whether they are going to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour? And the 'norm' in a relationship. They could end up in a whole lot of trouble.

category12 Sun 27-Nov-16 14:37:19

You need to throw him out or leave. It doesn't matter if he thinks he hasn't got a problem and that you cause everything - he is wrong. You cannot reason with the unreasonable.

Your dc seeing this behaviour will damage them. What he is doing is damaging you.

Please get out.

3rdbump Mon 28-Nov-16 00:10:49

He's having another night on the sofa. This eve he's been back to his narky self. I have mostly just carried on as normal but haven't really spoken to him or interacted unless I had to. He's off to London early and then straight to work so i won't see him til tomorrow night.
I have a feeling he's planning on moving out anyway. I have arranged to meet up with a friend on wed for tea, also trying to get out more. Planning on taking youngest 2 to a playback tomorrow afternoon. Trying to keep busy on my days off and socialise a bit more too

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