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Am i overly sensitive? Grumbly DH

(29 Posts)
MoreBiscuits Fri 25-Nov-16 15:58:42

This is two teeny examples of common behaviour in my house. Am I overly sensitive.. is this regular married life stuff… ?

DH looks in washing basket, finds one of his pairs of jeans still needing washed that he wanted to wear next day (he has loads of jeans) mutters ‘ffs’ and aggressively replaces basket lid. As I am in same room, I take it as a dig at me for not having them washed – as I do the majority of the washing/ironing. I commented that I had cleared the washing the other day but it’s built up again and I hadn’t had a chance. We both work full time, x2 dcs. I also pointed out that he’s welcome to wash as much as he wants himself. Next thing we’re arguing and DH says I am giving him a hard time for not doing enough round the house when he’s been trying really hard. I take the bait and argue back but comment that the whole conversation started at his reaction to not having his favourite pair of jeans ready yet I am the baddy for simply suggesting he does some of his own washing….

Weekly shopping arrives. I order it. I put it away. I cook tea. DH looks in fridge and moans that there’s isn’t enough. I note that I did forget a couple of things and will pick them up through the week but there’s plenty to keep us going. He continues to complain. I point out he is welcome to do the shopping occasionally or do the meal planning etc…

Do other DHs grumble so much? Should I just ignore him instead of rising to the bait… ?

Racerback Fri 25-Nov-16 16:01:57

No, other DHs don't grumble as much. At least, some do - but they're all arseholes, just like yours.

As for what you do about it - entirely up to you. He won't change.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 25-Nov-16 16:07:55

What Racerback wrote.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?

He sounds like a joy sucker; are one or both his parents like this too?. I ask as such behaviour is sometimes learnt from poor parental example and such men do not change.

Millymollymanatee Fri 25-Nov-16 16:09:09

I think you two need to talk, as it t sounds like you're doing far more than he is and yet he's still finding fault.

You should not allow him to get away with taking you for granted in this way. If he's actually baiting you, what's his problem? People can and do change but whilst you're allowing him to treat you like this, what incentive is there for him to change? Basically, it's up to you to stand up for yourself and tell him things are changing and if he doesn't listen, take action. What's wrong with him doing his own washing? Good luck.

MoreBiscuits Fri 25-Nov-16 16:32:19

Interesting… I didn’t give the back story – but early this year in June DH had been away on business and when he came back I told him honestly I didn’t miss him. I told him I wasn’t sure I loved him anymore.. this was due to much worse issue, bigger arguments where things just escalated from small teeny things to huge character assassinations & me being used as a punch bag. He was shocked, claimed to love me desperately and has tried hard to change. Stopped smoking after many failed attempts, is doing more around the house. Less arguments. A huge difference and much less of this moany crap. Although some of it has been replaced by me feeling analysed 24*7 with him looking for validation constantly. He admitted he found it hard to accept our relationship is where it is due to our behaviour and not a third party (he’s been snooping and making tongue in cheek comments about me having a boyfriend). I keep telling him that our relationship of ten years isn’t fixed in just a few months no matter how much he wants it to.

Lately I see some of the old behaviours creeping in. In terms of past behaviour.. a joy sucker is exactly right. I used to say he was the exact opposite of a ‘breath of fresh air’. And yes, his mother in particular is exactly the same! We are a good unit most of the time but I cannot deal with a return to his old behaviour. I am a people pleaser. And scared of splitting the family up to be honest, I hate the thought of not having my kids around 24*7 and v scared of how he would react to us splitting. I feel like it would be my decision but he’d have to leave the family home…

Millymollymanatee Fri 25-Nov-16 16:34:31

Your post shouts domestic violence to me, both physical and mental. I'm sorry but you're probably best to end the relationship.

Joony Fri 25-Nov-16 16:47:07

He's treating you like a domestic appliance; he has no right to expect you to wash HIS clothes when you both work FT, I'm afraid he sounds pretty awful to be around as well, time to call it a day, doesn't sound like a happy, healthy relationship.

MoreBiscuits Fri 25-Nov-16 16:52:40

it seems easy in black & white but reality is not so easy.

he claims i am his world & will fall apart.. i almost want him to revert to the full blown behaviour so i have a firm reason to call it a day & ask him to leave. I am a scaredy cat i know.

marriednotdead Fri 25-Nov-16 17:15:56

Only you know how much longer you will continue to flog the horse that you know is dead.

You don't have to have any more reason than you already have to end it. At no point do you mention love, and wanting to stay because you are happier with him than not. The old behaviours are creeping back because they are his defaults, the Mr Nice Guy improved version was an act and he can't keep it up.

I was married to a joy sucker who claimed to love me more than anything. But not enough to be able to BE a decent husband. And now he's my ex. He's bitter. I'm relieved and way happier than I could have ever imagined.

Racerback Sat 26-Nov-16 14:02:12

he claims i am his world & will fall apart

Bullshit. And you know it.

This is just more of his abuse. It's just a slightly different flavour.

This man will ruin you if you stay with him.

Lelloteddy Sat 26-Nov-16 14:05:11

When you refer to being used as a punch bag, in what sense? Has he physically assaulted you?

ChuckGravestones Sat 26-Nov-16 14:07:47

he claims i am his world & will fall apart

Yeah right. He will fall apart having to do his own washing, cooking, shopping and cleaning. Poor baby.

PickAChew Sat 26-Nov-16 14:08:37

Well, if you decided you weren't going to out up with any more of his nastiness and left him, the twat would always have to wash his own jeans.

Dozer Sat 26-Nov-16 14:12:46

So he's been a shit DH, emotionally abusive, you told him you were considering leaving and he's made some changes, but clearly is still not adequate. Suggest moving on.

In the meantime, pull him up on his criticism/aggression (eg muttered swearing) and don't be so apologetic (eg saying you forgot things).

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming Sat 26-Nov-16 14:14:03

Was he ever pleasant and likeable? It's hard to see why u would have spent much time with him if he was always like this? Is he perhaps following the pattern he saw in his parents without thinking or understanding what else to do?
Sounds like some couple counselling might help u both work out what is going on (it doesn't excuse his rudeness, but he may feel quite unhappy knowing that u don't feel much for him, sounds like that bothered him quite a lot). It might improve things, or might make it clearer that u just have wildly different expectations, and can't be happy together.

Dozer Sat 26-Nov-16 14:14:29

His statements about how devastated he'd be are typical of abusive men. They may be true, but (1) it'll be his fault he lost you (2) what about YOU? Your needs and wishes. He's hardly shown them much regard for many years.

Dozer Sat 26-Nov-16 14:15:03

Couples counselling isn't recommended where there is abuse in the relationship.

SortAllTheThings Sat 26-Nov-16 14:16:02

Sounds like my ex.

AlabasterSnowball Sat 26-Nov-16 14:42:26

After you OP I thought he sounded like a grumpy teenager who needs taking down a notch.
Reading your second thread, he's a cruel and abusive arse. Your reason for leaving is you have one life and you're wasting it being miserable

user1479305498 Sat 26-Nov-16 16:17:30

Crikey-- I am amazed at the amount of women advocating leave for such stuff as this-- now I am not saying dont leave when someone is a miserable joyless person most of the time-- but this kind of stuff is relatively trivial-- Ive had years and years of it , as have many women I know. The people advocating leave, are you all single by any chance, or have been left? or married to complete saints that the rest of us have failed to hook? or just wanting more 'fresh available blokes" on the market? I cant quite get why you seem to advocate leave all the time for stuff such as poor domestic involvement-- most of these guys were like this before you married them Ive had 2 marriages and 1 long term live in and in both marriages the bloke was fairly useless around the house to a large extent and in the LTR he was such a neat freak that he wanted us to eat off paper plates as couldnt bear "pots" of any kind!!

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 26-Nov-16 16:26:06

User did you miss the part where the OP said he uses her as a punching bag.

Even excluding that issue, the man sounds utterly vile from what I've read, IMO you have set the bar very low for a life partner.

I would advocate LTB, because nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Suggesting the women saying LTB want this "prize man" for themselves is utterly ridiculous.

PickAChew Sat 26-Nov-16 16:49:37

User, not all men are grumpy, abusive,uncaring arseholes. The op's predicament is not trivial at all.

Op is seeing her husband's behaviour for exactly what it is ,(ie unacceptable) but it sounds like you need to look at the freedom programming if you think that it's OK for women to endure any abuse, even low level abuse. It's not OK for any one to be deliberately unkind to or aggressive towards anyone, no matter what the relationship.

PickAChew Sat 26-Nov-16 16:51:58

Oh, I have my own perfectly decent bloke, btw, so I'm not in the market for another. I traded in the rather unpleasant one I used to have.

jamaisjedors Sat 26-Nov-16 16:57:19

Can you clarify the "punch bag" bit? I read it as in he was getting cross with you sometimes or making repeated remarks.
I read and identified with your first post and thought everyone would say " yeah, just grumpy" but now I'm looking at my own marriage in a different light...

pointythings Sat 26-Nov-16 17:24:37

You don't have to put up with this. My DH has had his bad times, but he has never behaved as badly as this and has always pulled his weight at home. Clothes not washed - he puts a load of laundry on. Out of something food-wise - he goes shopping and gets it. No passive-aggressive grumbly shit. That's what a decent DH looks like.

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