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(22 Posts)
mariew4455 Fri 25-Nov-16 10:35:35

It’s hard sitting here wondering what it is I am actually doing. Is it for me or is It for the best of my family.. I’m not sure, although the nagging feeling inside me is telling me its best for me. I’m trying to be true to myself, but in an overwhelming world of self, meditation, presence, being in the ‘now’, basically learning about my spiritual self along with non judgement of others and simply being a better human being I’M CONFUSED. Really confused and aching for some guidance.

My son (13) and daughter (12) don’t like being with their father (we’re getting divorced, he is engaged to another woman, who lives with them and her 8 year old son, after 5 months of leaving me)

My son (12 at the time) abused the fiancés son in a ‘game’ and they aren’t coping with the healing process. My ex is an addict using alcohol and drugs, he self-medicates with such and isn’t right in the head (in my humble opinion). He never has a clear view to anything changes at the drop of a hat and doesn’t view the world in the same way as others, instead acting out viciously (verbally) and attacking anyone or thing that differs from him. He is verbally abusive to the children and in front of them and yet I am making them go to him.

I know I am angry at the thought of him ‘getting away’ with not being a father and forcing the situation, but I am struggling to manage my new relationship and am so scared of being alone again and losing my current partner, that I feel I am sacrificing the happiness of my children and making excuses that they stay with their father so I can spend time with my partner. I know deep down this is true. I don’t know what to do about it as I am hurting so deeply and I don’t want to be alone.

My current partner is 9 years older than I and isn’t the most child friendly person on the planet. His own two children (16 and 19) live in another country with their mother and he sees them once or twice a year. He believes the children were always better off with their mother and she agrees, it was a very mutual agreement. He gave her the house and they parted ways. Simple. He lives with his mum and sister and has a social life to rival that of any teenager. He told me in the beginning he is with me for me not for my children. I agreed whole heartedly as I didn’t want the children being brought into another relationship so we have kept our relationship somewhat away from them, but I have only been able to do that with having them spend time with their father. Now that is becoming increasingly difficult and when I need to be with the children he doesn’t want to be around. It’s not his fault, I made the decision to be with him knowing exactly this about him, but am so torn. I love him now, we’ve been together 11 months and I don’t want to be without him but I’m lost with what to do. I believe strongly that you shouldn’t try to change someone and accepting them as is, is the way to love them keeping them free to be whom they are, BUT I’m struggling to cope with having a partner that finds it hard to be around my kids.

I make excuses to be with him whenever I can, he isn’t so needy.. I’m scared of pushing him away with my neediness and although I don’t show it to him all the time it’s there thick and I’m full of fear. I try to be with my friends as much as I can he gets jealous of that especially my male friends.. I feel I’m losing control.
I don’t know how to carry on in a stable mainframe. I try to meditate and practice yoga although I haven’t done so in some weeks. I feel like a repetitive victim not able to get myself out of a rut.

I pretend daily to be ok but I’m not. I try to live in the moment but the fear creeps in and takes hold. I feel like I am biding time.

mariew4455 Fri 25-Nov-16 10:38:21

my husband elft 17 months ago declared new GF after three months then got engaged 5 months after leaving and told our kids. they are not coping and my son has just been diagnosed with aspergers!

Esoteric Fri 25-Nov-16 10:41:36

I would try and keep this quite casual , have fun and enjoy maybe a bit less time with him, neediness will drive someone like this away. Teenagers are pretty demanding and to be honest at the moment they kind of come as part of the deal , in 18 months time too you may well start to have quite a lot of time to yourself, I hardly saw my son from 14 upwards!! If it is to be , then a bit less time won't make any difference and a decent bloke would understand this

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Nov-16 10:46:28

What do you mean when you say your DP 'gets jealous' when you go out with your friends?
Sorry, but he sounds like a cock.
Your DC are your No.1 priority, or at least they should be.
But you are making him a priority over your kids and sending them off to their abusive alcoholic father every other weekend.
Please stop doing this to them.
And please stop doing this to yourself.
Your OH doesn't sound good for you at all.
You are stressed and struggling with the rights and wrongs.
End the relationship with this bloke who can't even be arsed to be with you with your DC and get out there and find yourself.
Be yourself and stop thinking you need 'a man' to complete you.
You don't!

I'm very confused about the beginning of your post.
Did your DS abuse your ExH partners son in some way?
What has happened about this?
What have you done to help you with it?
Because you have a lot going on and adding a selfish git into the process is not helping you one single bit!

mariew4455 Fri 25-Nov-16 10:49:35

thank you, i don't know how to keep it more casual than I am. WHen i'm not with him i'm alone, they are already doing their own things to a degree.. it's not him thats needing less time nor I thats pushing more time i'm just missing being with him.. I feel lonley, when the kids are wiht their dad I get to be with him freely and enjoy my time with him him alot. I try to occupy my time with other things, when the kids are wiht me but something is lost inside and i'm trying to fill it without burdening my children with another man, nor he with them and actually I just want to be part of something again. Happy and not alone.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 25-Nov-16 11:02:23

It's not going to work though. He doesn't want your children around, their dad doesn't sound like he's a fit parent, so I'm afraid you need to step up until they're older and independent. You can't sacrifice your children for your new man, that isn't fair at all

mariew4455 Fri 25-Nov-16 11:03:15

I don't know how to be myself anymore. i'm trying throguh yoga and meditation and spirituality but I am lost.

my son and the fiances son don't get on and my son and he played games that were inappropriate. My son went to a psychiatrist and has since been diagnosed with Aspergers 5 weeks ago. He is also severely dyslexic. Has very low self esteem. I live in spain currently (moved here by my ex then left 3 years later) I currently do not have access to free or english speaking help here. I am currently unemployed with my savings dwindling as i speak. The kids father did help pay for my sons sessions, but since his return to me in spain, nothing other than him caring for his new fiance and her son. He wont even pay for his education and hasnt paid for my daughters in 3 months.

I do make excuses to be with my partner because i feel abandoned and alone and crave the attention of a hug and emotion that i've missed for a long time. I am trying to find myself and be happy, but it's not working and i want to be loved by a partner. cared for and laugh with someone lovingly.

When my ex left it was so sudden, literally he just upped and walked out after 14 years, without a word and never has told me why. It HURT. BAD and i was in spain trying to run my business and continue the life I had made for myself with my children.

I'm now dealing with one child 24/7 using my savings for private tuition that wont last much longer am up to my eyeballs in debt and dont know where to turn..

my partner seemed to be until now the main relief in m life but now thats under pressure. i dont want to loose him or change him just have him more in my life without jepordising my kids.

mariew4455 Fri 25-Nov-16 11:04:13

i know i want to do something that works for us all i just know how or what. im so sick of hurting i just want some love and feeling good for a change

Costacoffeeplease Fri 25-Nov-16 11:07:46

Unfortunately being a parent means you have to put the children first, you can't be selfish, especially if your son has additional needs. He needs you now more than you need your partner

portobella Fri 25-Nov-16 11:13:16

that is my primary problem! I don't know how anymore. its been nearly two years of emotional hell and I cant cope. You are right in what you are saying thats why i'm writing here, but i keep wanting to have some peace and stop being miserable, just for once. as selfish as that is I KNOW! but Im struggeling so much with it. the advice is great and true but doesn't make it go away or stop the days rolling into weeks of fear and lonliness.. i just want it to stpo and for me to be able to fo the right thing happily and contentidly but i cant seem to find what i need to do it

Bluntness100 Fri 25-Nov-16 11:20:35

You have to forget about your ex leaving, don't dwell on it. If he was engaged so quickly after it sounds like he was seeing the other woman already.

Your new partner doesn't want the kids, that's it, you can't change that so you can either see him when you're free or end the relationship, you can't not look after your kids to be with him,

You need to fix your finances, are you and your husband divorcing? You need to see a solitcitor to sort out the financial side.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 25-Nov-16 11:21:08

Name change op?

Tell you ask you're doing the right thing focusing on your children and their needs, you'll have time for yourself and new relationships when they're grown up, it's not that long now

Costacoffeeplease Fri 25-Nov-16 11:29:38

Tell yourself!!

forumdonkey Fri 25-Nov-16 11:34:40

You have a massive problem and it's not your love life. Your DS has inappropriately abused another child!! And you send him back. Yet your problem is that you need to off load your kids more so you can accommodate your new bf who doesn't want to be around kids.

Wow just wow, what a self entitled post. Your kids need a mother more than you need a cock

portobella Fri 25-Nov-16 14:30:07

WOW, i did not say anything about 'abused' in anything other than they played rough and hurt each other using knives and guns BOTH of them, BUT as my son is older it was harder to understand. NOW i have the reports on his mind set being of an 9 year old with access to older material he was blamed but it was two sided. AND I DON'T need a cock thank you for your vileness, i want love. but hey ho some one definitely fucked you up!

portobella Fri 25-Nov-16 14:32:20

I have just done that and it costs a fortune. He said hell pay nothing and take him to court, so that's what i'm doing. But thank you. I DO KNOW i'm being selfish in my emotions i'm simply trying to figure it all out as i'm loosing the plot with trying to stay strong and be there for my kids.. i just wanted to reach out and see if there was any advice..

portobella Fri 25-Nov-16 14:32:47

thank you.

BubblingUp Fri 25-Nov-16 14:52:48

All the yoga and meditation in the world will not cancel out - or make right - your priorities being out of order.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Nov-16 15:09:39

Thanks for explaining about the boys.
The way you worded it made more than one of us think something more.
How is it your ExH is drinking because he can't cope with some OTT playing?
Seems odd.
You want love. I understand that.
But you don't NEED love. You WANT it.
However, your DC NEED you now.
Now more than ever dealing with a big split and their DD being a waste of space.
They NEED YOU!!!
That's all you need to know.
You won't 'find yourself' through yoga and meditation.
You will find yourself from being on your own and learning about who you are.
What you like to do, etc.....
Bin off this guy - seriously!
He's no good for you, your DC or your mental health.

forumdonkey Fri 25-Nov-16 15:12:10

My son (12 at the time) abused the fiancés son in a ‘game’

my son and the fiances son don't get on and my son and he played games that were inappropriate.

Direct quotes from you OP nowhere until now did you say the dcs were involved in rough play - normal for boys imo. That doesn't change my post though. You're wanting to send your dcs to their alcoholic, drug using df who they don't want to go to because you want to be with a bloke who wants only to be with you and not your dcs.

Your poor dcs, alcoholic drug using df with a kid they don't get on with and their dm who wants to actively get rid of them because she'd rather be with a bloke who doesn't want them.

noego Sat 03-Dec-16 14:19:11

You need spiritual guidance to discover and experience how to live in the "now". Try watching Mooji on you tube or Rupert Spira or Adyashanti. Another one you could try and might help is Byron Katie.

Hermonie2016 Sat 03-Dec-16 15:58:41

When you act against your values it just a negative downward cycle.You feel guilty so need your partner for escapism and validation that you are a lovable person but that causes you to displace your children, which causes you to feel even more guilty, so the cycle continues.

You have identified you are needing to be loved and need a partner to feel whole.No happiness can come from this state as you are too vulnerable.

I suggest you do work for inner bonding/inner child alongside Yoga and mindfulness as your vulnerable stare is likely to lead to more negatively be choices which just makes a bad situation worse.

Perhaps you need it take this opportunity to develop your own internal happiness, don't try to find it from another person.Be true to your values, which are obviously being a good mum first and foremost.The rest will come when you have healed.

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