Husband has online affairs

[Alumar13121]

Hi there, am new to mumsnet. I am having a hard time at the moment as I have recently discovered that my husband has a very serious pornography addiction and has had a number of online affairs with women over the past 13 years. It all came undone when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our last daughter (we have 3 under 5). I didn't even know he watched porn occasionally so has been a big shock! He was ALWAYS on his phone but I thought he was sorting out work or on Facebook etc. He claims that although he made plans to meet with the women he never followed through. He said he loved them but it was just bullshit. He would message and Skype them throughout the day and night. Most of them knew he was married and were fine with it. He took his wedding ring off for the ones who didn't know. He had always been so good to me and loving so I really am devastated. Is like my world has been ripped apart. He claims to be deeply sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep me. He sold his phone and is in therapy. We have been to a couple of counselling seas together but is tricky with 3 very young kids. I just feel so worthless and don't know what to do. He said he would die if I ever left him. Has anyone been through something similar. Level headed advice would be appreciated

[Musiclife]

When you say online affairs, what do you exactly mean? Did he meet up with the women? Why was he taking his ring off? How did you find all this out?

It sounds like he has been conducting these affairs right in front of your nose. And with more than one woman for a long time. I don't understand why he is suddenly so sorry (now he has been discovered.) I couldn't get past the scale of that sorry.

[Alumar13121]

By online affairs I mean sexting as well as mutual masterbation via Skype etc. He also had numerous fake social media accounts and emails he used to communicate with these women and posted naked pictures of himself on amateur web prob web pages. He said the fact that so many people were fine with the fact he was married made him convince himself that it was just a type of porn and heaps of guys do it. He did it right under my nose, sometimes whilst I was asleep next to him. Some of the women are still trying to contact him despite the fact that we have just had our third child but he swears he never wants to speak to any of them ever again. Most of the women were also in relationships and had children. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about it all. He said he stopped cause he got caught but is relieved as he knew everything was getting out of hand and he felt like he was losing his soul. I really am in deep shock

[VintagePerfumista]

He won't have stopped. And he'll have found another phone that you don't know about.

It won't just have been online either in all probability.

And he won't kill himself. That's part of the Script. Look it up.

He sounds like other women, and sex, either imaginary or real are his priorities in life, rather than his wife and young children.

If you have 3 under 5, but this has been going on for 13 years, then he can't even use the oft-trotted-out excuse that you didn't have time for him, can he?

What do you feel like doing? The thought that my husband had been talking (if not more) with other women in that way, from my house, on my computer or while I was asleep or looking after my children (HIS children) would have me packing his bags. But that's me. And fuck the counselling. He could do that himself, once I'd got rid. Do you think you need counselling?

[Musiclife]

That is so vile and disrespectful. I don't see how you can get past that.

[SandyY2K]

He claims to be deeply sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep me. He sold his phone and is in therapy. We have been to a couple of counselling seas together


^^^^^ This is a good start. Him admitting he has a problem is also good, as long as he means it.

When he says he'll do whatever it takes, you could consider consequences for his affairs. I know he's sold his phone, but does that now mean you have no way of contacting him when he's out of the house?

Is that feasible with young children?

I think him having individual counselling for his porn addiction, along with the online/emotional affairs.

He's done it for a while, so how will he fill that void. The constant attention and ego stroking will be hard to stop.

Do you know 100% that he never met up with any of the women? Or are you trusting him on that one?

[VintagePerfumista]

Don't believe that either, that's it's the women trying to contact him.

Again, standard from the Script. They get found out, and the other woman/women turn into bunny boilers.

This may all have been online, but I doubt it. Ever work long hours? Come back later than expected? Away days with mates?

[Alumar13121]

Am sure I need counselling. I'm a mess. I often think about the possibility of another phone. The fact is I can't control what he does, I can only control what I do. Am scared of raising 3 kids on my own. It's hard to believe someone I loved and trusted so much could be doing this the entire time we have been together. I have my own career so am not worried about finances, it's more the stress of having 3 very young children to look after whilst going through this turmoil. They adore him and he has always been a great father to them. I just want everything to disappear

[AnxietySertraline]

Ltb

[VintagePerfumista]

They can still adore him after you kick him out. He can still be a "great father" (inverted commas, because great fathers don't treat mothers the way your husband has treated you)

Do you need counselling because of what you've found out?

The one truth in everything you say is that you can only control what you do. And that is a very good start.

What reasons has he given for doing it?

[Alumar13121]

He got a phone that doesn't have the internet so I can still contact him. I only have his word as far as the meeting up goes. He has offered to take a lie detector test. He says it was all a game and meeting up (although discussed) was never on the agenda. It was just the thrill of hearing them say they would. His therapist says he has very low self esteem and used those women to boost it. I wish I could find something to boost my self esteem now!

[Musiclife]

Well he wasn't being a 'great father' when he was spending day and night sexting and skyping random women.

[VintagePerfumista]

Were you there when his therapist said that?

You also only have his word about the non-internet phone. And anywhere there's a computer, there's the internet.

What time scale are we talking here? When did he get rumbled? Who suggested the counselling?

[Candlefairy101]

So sorry you must feel like your in the eye or a tornado especially with little ones!

How does he know these women r still trying to contact him if he's changed his phone and doesn't have the internet?

[Alumar13121]

The reason he gave was that he was addicted to porn and he saw it as "interactive porn". He said he buried his head in the sand and never took stock of what he was doing

[VintagePerfumista]

Brief summary of the Husband Rumbled script:

1. Gets caught
   
2. Weeps and wails and calls self names
   
3. Offers to go to counselling (may or may not do this, sometimes pretends to do it)
   
4. Gets rid of phone (invariably doesn't, gets secret phone)
   
5. Says OW has become bunny boiler (she invariably hasn't, she just doesn't know why she's been dumped. May or may not have known man was married, may or may not be married herself, is irrelevant)
   
6. Says loves wife ever such a lot (the ones who say this tend to be worse than the ones who say "I love you as the mother of my children/I don't love you any more")
   
7. Says will die if wife chucks him out (he won't)
   
8. Is perfect husband/father for a while
   
9. Starts up where left off (if left off at all)

[VintagePerfumista]

Ha Candlefairy- bang to rights!

[Alumar13121]

The women contacted him through his LinkedIn profile ( I have access) that he checks at work. He works in media (in an open office ) so he has access to the internet all day. He suggested the counselling (I was in shock and didn't know what to do). Like I said earlier, I can't control what he does, if he has/does change then it's up to him. He confessed to relapsing and watching porn a couple of times on an old phone he found (and then destroyed) but swears he hasn't contacted anyone since being found out

[Paulat2112]

Wow he sounds like a catch! He wil have met up with at least one of them. Then when you find out he will say it was just once, then more than once but just the same woman, and so on.

He can still be a dad and not be your husband. The two don't only come as a package. What would you say to your daughter/s if she came to you and told you this? I personally couldn't be with him, I think what he's done is disgusting and he only 'stopped' because you caught him. If you didn't he would still be watching real naked women touching themselves for him and telling her he loves her. Although he will still be in contact with them now, I doubt he could stop.

[Musiclife]

Why would he do it through LinkedIn? Wouldn't that be a problem if he was caught at work? Anyway he still has access to that so you can never trust him.

Looking at it from the women's point of view, what on earth do they get from sexting and skyping a married man at all hours when he is lying next to his wife? I don't get how they can build up a connection with him, especially as it was more than one woman.

[Alumar13121]

He never did anything through LinkedIn, only fake profiles. A couple of them knew his real name so looked him up on google I guess. I tried contacting a couple of the women to try and get some answers. Despite being fairly polite only one responded (apologised and said they didn't meet up). The rest just ignored then blocked me

[VintagePerfumista]

They won't have known he was married.

The bit about them not caring if he was married or not, or them having families too is just him subtly starting to shift the blame onto them.

[VintagePerfumista]

How do you know they looked him up?

Your starting point here is not to believe a word he says. But you know that I think.

[TheNaze73]

You'd be surprised what you get through LinkedIn. What he has done & probably still is doing is indefensible however, in many cases, where the man is married it does seem to spur some women on, wanting what they can't or shouldn't really have.
I wouldn't put up with this OP & would have to LTB

[P1nkP0ppy]

He's lying about only relapsing once without a doubt.

It's such sleazy, repulsive and sickening behaviour that you can't believe a single word he says.
You'll ever trust him again so kick him out. Tell your family why and get the support you need.

[MorrisZapp]

Thirteen years? Sorry, but this is who he is. He's been lying and cheating twice as long as he's been a father. I honestly think you're wasting your time trying to salvage this, and why would you even want to?

All those times ttc, sharing excitement, spending time as a family and he's been doing this throughout? He's crapped on every memory you and your kids have.