Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship with inlaws after divorce

(18 Posts)
Afrovenator Thu 24-Nov-16 21:53:32

I'm finally separating from stbxh and it's all quite new. I've got no idea what to expect. Our relationship wasn't that close if I'm honest but dd's adore her and I'd like to continue nurturing their relationship, if I can. I don't expect anything from them personaly but it would be nice if the same relationship continued for dd's irrespective of the marriage.

I think what I'm asking badly is did you wait for them to show interest or did you let your ex take the lead? Or do you call and arrange for them to see the dc in addition to any arrangements for contact with STBXH?

Fockers Thu 24-Nov-16 21:56:24

Dc see in-laws when theyre with their dad eow he takes them every month or so.
I've not seen them in 2 years

MaitlandGirl Thu 24-Nov-16 22:04:57

i have email contact with my ex in laws every couple of months or so and email them pictures of the kids and keep them up to date on what were up to. We've emigrated and their dad doesn't have any contact with the kids so it's up to me to keep their grandparents informed.

It's not easy and there's a definite feeling of keeping them out of my life, while keeping them updated on the kids but it works for us.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Thu 24-Nov-16 22:08:24

I have no personal experience, but happened to read the thread. I'd say approach them. They may well feel awkward about contacting you. It's so important to DCs to have relationships with anyone in their extended family who cares about them. Whatever you do to promote the bond is surely good for everyone concerned?

No child ever has too many loving relatives.

Afrovenator Thu 24-Nov-16 22:09:32

I'll be seeing them for the first time since separating as they want to see dd's. Which I'm ok with in principle, but I feel like I'll have to discuss the elephant In the room iykwim. STBXH won't be around as he's away.

Afrovenator Thu 24-Nov-16 22:14:33

Prawn absolutely it's important that they continue to have that relationship and long may it continue! They are lovely people, just not my people iykwim. But I envisage it working a much like maitland

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Nov-16 22:17:10

Personally I think it's up to my ex to arrange contact between kids and his parents.

Afrovenator Thu 24-Nov-16 22:23:50

In practical terms, if STBXH has them every other weekend. Then MIL requests a Saturday overnight like she has next weekend. It means I end up with only one weekend out of four. Which is fine as a one off but I expect they'll be the expectation for it to be fairly often.

Strawberryjam34 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:26:30

I haven't heard from or seen my in-laws since I told them my stbxh was cheating on me - this was in April. I truly think this is absolutely disgusting and if I saw them now in the street I would cross over ( I may also give them a few choice words). Seventeen years I was part of their family and absolutely nothing. Even though there son has treated me horrendously and put me through every type of abuse. If they are not concerned about me, you think they would still check as I am looking after their Grandaughter. I probably shouldn't be so surprised that their son is such a scum bag!

Summerlovinf Thu 24-Nov-16 22:28:30

Your MIL weekends come of your ex's weekends not yours..that's my thinking anyway

RandomMess Thu 24-Nov-16 22:30:10

Sounds like you need to make it clear that overnights on your weekends won't be happening as a regular thing they need to arrange it with their son.

LouSaint Thu 24-Nov-16 22:35:23

StrawberryJam that's probably why your STBX is a scumbag! My PIL's condone and enable my STBX's behaviour, which is why he's a total bastard!

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:59:26

I don't have any experience in this area, but think it would be nice if you could contact them as they maybe feeling a bit unsure about how you feel about their family due to the separation. Explain that you would still like them involved in your dd's life but that as you only have them eow overnight stays will be difficult. Maybe overnight stays would work during school holidays.
I think it's really nice of you to appreciate their importance to your dd's , as so many grandparents get cut out off when parents separate, which is sad for the grandparents and children.

messeduptotally Fri 25-Nov-16 09:02:09

I did see ILs after divorce to look after DD while I was working, it was a shame as I got on well with her but I didn't expect her to keep in touch as its his mother, his sister has ignored me since we split too.
So I leave it to exh to sort now.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Nov-16 09:15:54

My Ex-IL''s are lovely.
But they live over 300 miles away and their cheating son moved to another country.
So I had to facilitate contact.
Used to meet them half way and drop DD off for the weekend then meet them half way again to collect her.
It only happened 2-3 times a year though.
They also used to go and visit her DDad at the same time as DD.

But DD is an 'adult' now and her Dad is back in the UK so it's up to her now.
They are visiting us for the first time in 7 years in January.
Although they always said they would still make the effort they never did.
I still get a lovely birthday card and money every year - bless 'em.

llangennith Fri 25-Nov-16 09:25:01

Definitely no overnights with MIL on my weekends! That can happen on stbx weekends.
It's lovely that you all want your DC To keep contact but not at the expense of your own time with them.

debbs77 Fri 25-Nov-16 09:33:28

My ex MIL contacts me directly and sees the children once every couple of months for a few hours. Her son rarely sees her anymore (new wife doesn't like her) so it falls on me to make plans. Same with their Aunt and Uncle, otherwise they would never see anyone!

Afrovenator Fri 25-Nov-16 10:24:41

No overnights will be difficult especially as I plan to move back nearer my family 60 miles away. If she wants to spend time with them then I'm happy to facilitate it but your right, it can't be at the expense of quality time with me. I will play it by ear initially.

Messed it's difficult isn't it. I can't blame them for wanting to support STBXH even though he's a monumental arse. Like I said I have absolutely no expectations, I just hope dd's continue to have a good relationship with them. In a few years I won't need to be involved at all!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now