Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What to say to friend?

(25 Posts)
user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 21:50:24

Sorry am on phone.

So I have been a lurker for a long time. I have made a plan, copies of info etc. I graduate next year and hope to leave in the summer with a teaching role in the pipeline and my youngest dc starting school. My mum knows this plan and is supportive. A few close friends know how unhappy I am. (Separate rooms, constant rows, think he is a narcissist, I am upstairs every night) my school mum friends don't know how bad it really is. I have tried dropping hints but today a friend was very adamant about 'how you should always try for your children's sake, ruins kids, quite damning about a mum that has recently left her dh'

My question is how is the best way to handle this, I want her to understand and support but not judge next year. Should I start dropping big hints about how as it is? Or start telling the truth? Or just ignore its none of her business!
Today, I did respond with 'you don't know about what happens behind closed doors etc' 'better for kids etc'. The problem is, I am very good at faking it. My life looks perfect from the outside, it's far from it.

Any advice would be appreciated.


Prawnofthepatriarchy Thu 24-Nov-16 22:12:55

If it's a secret, keep it a secret. What if this judgy mum goes and tells your DH all about it, what with her views on marriage? Does it matter what someone who is not close enough to know the truth is going to think about you at some point in the future?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Nov-16 22:19:07

Drop the friend as life's far too short to try and change dyed-in-the-wool bigots, nor should you even bother to attempt it.

Can your supportive dm help you to leave earlier as the toxic environment of your current home can't be doing much good for your dc?

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:20:19

Well that's the problem, we have recently become close so would be strange not to mention it, but it's hard enough decision, which I have taken ages to come to it and I don't need someone telling me I am wrong.

Good point about her telling DH, she wouldn't but her Dh might. I hadn't thought about that.

Bedsheets4knickers Thu 24-Nov-16 22:21:24

Only advice is if you HAVE to stay so you can finish your qualifications then be careful who you tell in RL . If you think you are in danger then take dc and leave tonight or 1st opportunity .. the help is out there if you need it , also wipe your phone x

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:22:26

True, why should I live my life to please someone else. She is not in this house, upstairs whilst he is downstairs!

She could, but I worry about finances etc. I thought it would be better with a job lined up. Wouldn't it?

Bedsheets4knickers Thu 24-Nov-16 22:22:42

Are you upstairs every night by choice ??

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:23:28

Not in danger. It's been like this for years, just living in same house, don't really talk.

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:24:42

I suppose I am. I don't really feel welcome downstairs now. It's weird, I have a line up here me, with laptops etc. I am under the illusion of studying but inwouldvferl awkward downstairs. It's been so long.

Bedsheets4knickers Thu 24-Nov-16 22:25:07

Yep if you feel safe get your job 1st .. just count down those days x

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:25:16

Life not line
'I would feel awkward'

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:25:39

Am also saving money.

category12 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:28:18

I wouldn't hint or explain - her views are clear.

Of course once it happens she might be supportive anyway - people can be like that - all very black and white until it affects someone they care about. I'd at least give her a chance to be kind when you do leave - but up until then, keep it quiet and follow your plan.

Hidingtonothing Thu 24-Nov-16 22:28:52

Say nothing, plenty of time to explain after you've left if you feel you need to but protecting your position is far more important for the time being if you're not ready to leave yet.

Joysmum Thu 24-Nov-16 23:12:26

Worry about it at the time if you must.

My stock answer for then would be 'Why would you think this isn't a last resort after trying everything?'

Yoarchie Thu 24-Nov-16 23:19:30

Christ, you must protect yourself and that does not include telling a potential blabber.

You'll see if she's a close friend when you split. Until then, don't risk her or her DH telling your H.

Some abusive Hs put on such a good act and paint the wife as "mental" and people actually believe it. They may think he's a great guy.

user1471466073 Thu 24-Nov-16 23:26:03

Thanks for your replies

Will remember that reply Joysmum. Think it does sum it up!

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 23:45:30

Sometimes it's hard for people to imagine situations when they're happy themselves. I wouldn't tell her and just carry on with your plans. Next year, when you're sorted you can explain in detail.

Howlongtilldinner Fri 25-Nov-16 00:36:53

Personally I don't think it is anyone else's business, unless you are asking her to actually help you. If she is a 'real' friend, she will completely understand why you kept it to yourself...this is YOUR life not hers.

Joysmum Fri 25-Nov-16 09:02:35

User I'm glad it helps. Remember for your own wellbeing too because when all this happens, you will doubt yourself at times.

MyLatestFuckUp Fri 25-Nov-16 09:48:55

In your situation I would gradually drop the friend as she won't be able to be supportive once you have left. Having her in your life could just be adding an extra layer of worry on top of what you have already.

A lot of this stuff is rooted in misogyny. My mum hates single mothers - her drip drip drip of nasty comments has got 100x worse since I split up from ex. This is a time when you need people to boost you up, not drag you down.

user1471466073 Fri 25-Nov-16 11:10:53

Thank you. I think the problem is her parents divorced when she was young and she really struggled at that time. She is projected her feelings onto others.
When talking about another parent who had split she said the dd looks really sad. The dd is 5 it could be about anything. The dd always looks really happy to me.
Am sure my dc's will be fine, dh works late, is very strict and moans all the time. Yes they will miss him but will probably see him more with proper visitation but I think the house will be a much more relaxed place, but when people say things about it effects the children, it does make me feel guilty and worry I am doing the right thing.

MyLatestFuckUp Fri 25-Nov-16 11:28:35

FWIW my kids have not missed a beat. Their dad was workaholic, moany, shouty, all the things you describe. I stuck it out for years because I didn't want the children to suffer but he didn't really bring anything to their lives.

The house IS more relaxed now. Any angst they are suffering now is caused by their dad throwing his toys out of the pram, and not by his absence.

I think when people see a father/husband going off to work every day they assume he is a great father figure and that isn't always the case.

You are right to save money btw. I know when I posted on here many years ago all the advice was throw him out, make him stay in a hotel etc, but I had to bide my time. I should really have done more to improve my financial situation during that time as I was quite unprepared for how precarious things would get.

user1471466073 Fri 25-Nov-16 11:55:17

Thanks - yes you never know how it is going to go. In arguments I say 'leave then' he always says 'I am not going anywhere this is my house'

I tried to split up 4 years ago, went to half hour solicitor and she advised me to try again for my kids!!! She said her boys always asked why she didn't try harder.? Then Dh did the whole threatening suicide. So I did. It was good at first but slowly slowly it has become the fucked up mess it is now. I found mumsnet about 3/4 years ago and have been reading and lurking and realise everything he did is script. I am trying to keep a log about things he has said etc so when it does kick off and he says why? I can produce this. Surely he can't be happy? I also feel pressure as the ds's do quite a lot of sporting activities at the weekend, which we have to share as they are at the same time. Not sure how that would work? But as they get older I think some of it will naturally fade. They play at quite a high level at football and often in London, which he pushes. I am sure he is living his football dream through them.

MyLatestFuckUp Fri 25-Nov-16 12:04:21

You know when people say 'I want to be able to say to the children that I tried my hardest'? Nobody ever asks! You need to be satisfied in your own mind, but you don't need to account for yourself to anyone else. Your children will understand because you will talk to them in an age appropriate way.

From what you are saying it sounds awful, and no matter what you did, you couldn't improve things on your own. One person cannot mend a marriage! I would go and see another solicitor, investigate your financial situation, and start salting away a few shillings where you can flowers.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now