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Help am I being paranoid here?

(55 Posts)
manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:36:51

I will try to keep the story brief, a few weeks ago I came home from a trip (husband still away with work too) and found a letter had been posted to me, this letter told me my husband was not a nice person at work basically and that because of this they thought I should know he had been having an affair for some time with a manager at work! it was very out the blue, I waited until he came home and challenged him, which of course was met with complete denial and a very long explanation about issues at work and that as a senior member of the management team they obviously felt aggrieved and this letter was just that 'to cause trouble'. I did some research myself and in fact there is no manager of the department in question mentioned in the letter, and the only senior member in that team is a man!!
I questioned him and challenged him a lot over a few days, a lot added up and some did not of which I never fully got an answer or to the bottom of.
In short I chose to believe him and move on however I find myself now snooping and questioning what he's doing. He has gone away tonight for something to do with his hobby which he does attend every year but is going alone this year, I found him ironing favourite shirts late last night to take despite him having plenty ironed already. I'm not of proud of it but earlier this week I snooped in his brief case and he had a wad of cash £350 quid which I don't know why, this is unusual and we share an account!!
There are various small things I notice along with being over attentive that I can not put my finger on but my gut tells me something is not right!
I just don't know what to do, he is very clever at talking and quick thinking, and I'm finding myself pulling away - what's an outsiders view here guys?
Thanks

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 13:40:33

I'm a trusting person but I'd feel the same as you. There's no reason for him to have to carry so much cash, is there? If there isn't then I would also guess it's because he doesn't wabt you to see what he's paying for .

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:18:09

Thanks Cricichan, 'Im the same I'm pretty trusting usually and not one of those wives who needs to know where/when/who etc but something here smells wrong to me!! I know if I ask about the money he will try to make me feel guilty and say itsfor my xmas presents or something, but where has he filtered it from AND usually he just buys on his CC for that type of thing so I cant see and spoil surprise and I do the same!!

happypoobum Thu 24-Nov-16 14:29:39

I would also be very suspicious. If you can't trust him then what's the point?

I would probably have removed the £350 from his case and waited to see what he said......

What is he most likely to need cash for? Gambling/drugs/women?

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:36:48

Yes I wish I had taken it to see what happened, i.e: would he ask me about it seeming he is hiding it in the first place?
I will look to see if it is still there tomorrow and if it is remove!
It is a sad thought that the trust is gone, it sounds crazy but 'Id rather catch him at it so I know for sure, the not knowing is soo much worse, would also be easier if I didn't want it work but I do however the question mark hanging over is very large sad

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Thu 24-Nov-16 15:40:59

I don't think you are being paranoid

Something is not right and the £350 definitely sounds suspicious unless he is someone who gets paid in cash or you needed it to pay a tradesman or something

TwitterQueen1 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:44:53

Trust your instincts OP.
And really, why would anyone go to the trouble of writing a letter for no reason at all...

I'm assuming the letter was anonymous and you can't question the sender directly?

SandyY2K Thu 24-Nov-16 15:46:56

Why would someone write you that letter and make up the name of someone who doesn't exist? It doesn't make sense.

How do you know she doesn't work in another department? Or at another site of the company or she could be a contractor or consultant.

He'd have had to seriously piss someone off to make up that big a lie.

Try and Google or check the name or dig deeper. With the additional info, I'd be inclined to believe it. You aren't being paranoid, but ignoring it would be burying your head in the sand.

SandyY2K Thu 24-Nov-16 15:48:32

If you had money for a PI, I'd bet a tidy sum that something is going on involving an OW.
A VAR could be your evidence.

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 16:05:47

I have made enquires with a PI, up until tonight he's been over clingy so I've not instigated it, I think I need to re-visit that.
he's employed so doesn't get paid cash so it does seem odd to be carrying it round!
The letter was anonymous and typed. I did investigate and send emails and offered they stay anonymous or re-send me a letter to my work but nothing,.....the last person I approached told their boss at the work and it got back to hubby and I was told to drop it in no uncertain terms.
the piece that doesn't add up is as Sandy says, you'd have to really of pissed some one off for them to take a chance at sending a letter like that and it NOT being true wouldn't you? I know of guys at my work place who have played around and there is no way I'd send a letter to their home even if I was pissed off it's a risk to your job etc also the people he claimed were involved/aggrieved were not even from his department so why would they be hell bent of ruining him what is the connection?

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 16:21:18

Sandy what's a VAR by the way?blush

Yoksha Thu 24-Nov-16 16:21:31

OP so sorry youre going through this. I felt pants for you just reading your post.

Could your Dh be having an affair with his male manager?. Please don't flame me, its just a suggestion to throw into the mix.

mortificado Thu 24-Nov-16 16:27:15

I was also thinking along the lines of yoksha. So sorry your having to go through this

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 16:36:13

yes its crossed my mind to as in fact he called me to protest DH innocence!!shock

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Nov-16 16:36:35

Well it's not looking good so far.
See if you can remove the money.
Do you have DC?
How long have you been together?
I'd be looking at a PI as well.

neverreturnstothreads Thu 24-Nov-16 16:39:56

Do you still have the original letter? If you re read it could it be saying DH is having an affair with his male manager or does it use she/her etc?

SandyY2K Thu 24-Nov-16 16:53:37

A VAR is a voice activated recorded. Doesn't cost much and many cheaters have been caught out with it. You place it in his car, under the passenger seat and often telephone conversations will be recorded. Or other activity as well.

Do you have access to his phone?
Although if he sees her at work it reduces the need for out of hours contact.

He could be using an app as well, which won't show up on the phone bill.

Could be his behaviour changed afterwards to throw you off the scent.

Is it a big company?
Who usually goes on the hobby with him?

rollonthesummer Thu 24-Nov-16 17:04:43

I would imagine he's having an affair with his male boss. Do you know where he's gone tonight-I'd turn up there.

SherlockStones Thu 24-Nov-16 17:10:55

Talk about paranoia anonymous in here, a typed letter giving specific details which you have confirmed are not correct. If you're going to go to that kind of trouble and provide the proverbial smoking gun surely you'd have your facts correct?

Can't believe you're being told to take money out of his briefcase here what kind of behavior is that? Not to mention jumping to conclusions he may be gay, I'm actually cracking up.

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 17:22:02

Hi Sherlock,
your view is also an interesting one, whats your feeling behind these events, I part agree that why send a letter and not give all the gory facts as if you are hell bent on causing trouble why only go half the way! however even if its not an affair man or woman something has gone on to provoke this letter and I'm definitely not getting the truth on that which is what leaves things to be questionable....i push it all to the back of miming but little things happen that keep bringing it back!

SandyY2K Thu 24-Nov-16 17:32:10

One thing that won't work is asking him questions. All your enquiries need to be done covertly.

I don't know what kind of company he works for, but I can't imagine a situation where a manager in my organisation would phone the spouse of an employee, to convince them he's not having an affair.

That just seems really odd. How can the manager actually vouch for him and be 100% sure. It doesn't add up.

Is the manager also a family friend or something?

manga42 Thu 24-Nov-16 17:45:12

sandy this guy and him have history working together....i can't say word for word the letter but it basically says, hating to be bearer of bad news but your Dh shouldn't be aloud to teat people the way he does, HE in capitals has been having an affair with the xxxxx (department name) manager for some time and shouldn't be aloud to get away with it, signed 'a concerned friend of the woman in question'
my biggest un answered question here is that the manager who called me explained he has done restructuring in his group and it wasn't received well and this is just bitter back lash, HOWEVER i can't understand what my DH has to do with that as he is nothing to do with this department, so why me get a letter! this is the piece i couldn't get any answers to other than 'people do some crazy thing' REALLY not without reason surely?

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 17:51:29

I totally feel for you x the money is suspicious as sounds like he doesn't want a paper trail. My partner once had an affair and paid everything in cash. Did you take a photo of the wad of cash as cheaters often gaslight you and deny? I have been through this before and ended up ringing his PA and found everyone rallies round the cheat. Could it be the other woman has written this letter in a third person scenario way? He may have led someone on to believe he was leaving and it's pissed the mistress off. People can be this vindictive if he's lied and led someone on.I do t know but trust your instincts people caught out deny deny so try to get more info or hire a private investigator. I found my ex cheating as suspicious when he went to works black tie event as wanted a new suit and got a hand tied black tie in silk. He never bothered usually. He wouldn't send me a picture of the event that I asked him too as he was at the Dorchester and I was home alone with kids feeling horrible. I then went on twitter and saw pics of him talking and dancing with unknown attractive blonde. When he got home at 3 am i woke to find him trying it on with me, he smelt of perfume and booze. I knew something had happened but when asked who was there he lied and told me a bunch of male colleagues. I printed the picture of him with his arms around this woman and posted it to him and left without a word. That was 10 years ago and now with someone else but left with huge trust issues.

Joysmum Thu 24-Nov-16 18:09:31

There's any number of nasty vindictive jealous people out there would do things I would never dream of doing.

Also, if you share a bank account it's hard to give surprise Xmas presents for you spouse or keep you budget from them. Cash is useful for this.

SandyY2K Thu 24-Nov-16 18:27:29

So the person named a woman who doesn't exist? That makes no sense whatsoever.

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