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At a loss to understand anymore

(15 Posts)
user1479966204 Thu 24-Nov-16 06:12:02

I really don't know what I am doing here but I wanted to put this out to you all. I am a father with two young children 12 and 8 and have been living with my partner for 25 years committed since we were 19. The last 6 years have been very difficult for my partner since she was diagnosed with bipolar and our relationship has been up and down with authorities involved and her moving out for 6 months. There has been numerous hospital admissions and i've tried to cope the best I can looking after the children, housework and working full-time. To cut a long story short things got better this year and she found work and got free from the house after 11 years. However after 3 months I found out she was having phone calls behind the bedroom door and then she was texting late at night. I confronted her and asked what was happening and she said she had met a work colleague who she really enjoyed talking to and they really connected. They like the same music, interests and have a passion for things that I don't have. I took it really bad and felt hurt and betrayed. I asked her what was happening and she had been meeting up for coffee on her days off and after work with him. I have since found out they go out for walks together and have met up during the day without her telling me and then going out on his birthday. I asked her what is going on and she said she is not going to talk about it and I have to deal with my insecurity. I found a letter in the bin she had written to him saying she wanted to know she liked him a lot and felt he was a humble caring man and really liked his caring touch to her. I'm doing my best to keep things together at home and look after our children, cooking, cleaning, homework, clubs and being a taxi driver to our children but it is what I signed up for. Am I a fool or should I embrace my partner to let her have freedom enough to be a friend to this man? I just am having difficulty dealing with it and my family say it is her illness and I should let her go after all I have been doing. I am not faultless and I am a typical man making mistakes and not thinking of others sometimes but my heart is in the right place and I've been committed to her for 25 years. Thank you

PoldarksBreeches Thu 24-Nov-16 06:16:58

Ah that's shit. They aren't friends though are they? At the very least it's an emotional affair, though sounds like they have been physical to some degree. No you shouldn't just sit quietly and let her carry on.

user1479966204 Thu 24-Nov-16 06:26:19

Thanks for replying. She has said they are friends but she keeps it hidden. She finds him a great communictaor and they have a lot in common being born overseas and have similar interests. I took this really bad tbh.
I feel if I did this behind her back I would find my things on the doorstep and I just wouldn't do it without telling her. I love her mum and dad and they really support me but they have told me to go to a solicitor to spare the children but i'm at a real crossroads for the love of her. When I signed up for this I was committed, passionate, caring, jumping straight in with the children and I still am there today but I feel abandoned by her and alone.

Happybunny19 Thu 24-Nov-16 10:18:40

She is having an affair, regardless of her condition it's totally out of order to do this to you. You shouldn't just sit back and put up. Have you properly confronted her and given an ultimatum? I would without hesitation. Your mental health will suffer if you continue doing all childcare, housework, work full-time and try to tolerate her infidelity. She's treating you like shit and shouldn't hide behind a health condition to get away with it.

TheNaze73 Thu 24-Nov-16 10:38:16

She's taking the proper piss & making a mug of you.

Your worth more than that

GrabtharsHammer Thu 24-Nov-16 10:51:14

Oh it's a horrible situation.

It could be her bipolar, god knows I'm a nightmare at times and get involved in stupid destructive shit, but even if it is you don't have to tolerate it.

You need to do what's best for you and your dcs.

Livelovebehappy Thu 24-Nov-16 12:11:49

She's treating you like crap, and you're allowing her to do so unfortunately. Maybe she has got used to you just picking up the slack whilst she has been going through a bad time, and has lost respect for you as her partner; just sees you as her carer. You need to be firm with her, and not treat her differently just because of the hard time she has had over the past few years. Tell her you are not comfortable with her spending so much of her time and energy on some other man, and try to organise things for you to do as a couple to get that connection back.

user1479966204 Thu 24-Nov-16 12:33:43

Thanks all for your messages. I went to see a counsellor today and explained the situation and they threw it back at me. They said if she was having an affair she would have told me by now but I just don't get it. I think the message I get is to look after myself and I'm going to take a step back from all this and focus on our children then trying to figure if I want to be with someone who treats me like a doormat.

gamerchick Thu 24-Nov-16 12:36:01

They don't sound like much of a counsellor confused maybe try another one?

Your plan is good, you don't have to tolerate any of this.

Happybunny19 Thu 24-Nov-16 12:52:26

What absurd advice from the councillor. They clearly have no experience of marriage counselling, as lying is normally part and parcel of cheating.

You've spent a lot of your time and energy looking after her, now it's time to look after yourself. I'm sorry you're going through thus, good luck.

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 13:15:44

I don't really see the issue. She's found a friend who happens to be male. I think you need to decide whether you trust her or not. The reason why she might keep it secret is because many people presume there's more going on when they see a male and female close.

chipsandgin Thu 24-Nov-16 13:33:26

I am female and most of my friends are male (and have been my best platonic friends for over 25 years - I am also friends my exes), although I find huge value in both male and female friendship. My partner of 15 years is also great friends with most of them and I spend time with them all together and separately. I can't bear people who say men and women can't be friends.

However, it sounds like she is taking the piss out of you. Being secretive about this 'friendship' is a big red flag as is her attitude when you ask her about it. Despite clearly being a great husband and father in many respects you are being a doormat.

As for a counsellor saying 'if she was having an affair she would have told you by now'. Er, what? Is that how it works? Because in my experience not telling your partner is kind of how an affair works isn't it. In fact the dictionary definition of affair is: "a secret sexual relationship between two people", and I think a secret is something you DON'T tell someone, quite often if MN is to be believed even for months or years later if at all. Maybe see if their 'Counsellor' certificates were printed off the internet!!

loobyloo1234 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:46:28

Her MH issues do not excuse her behaviour in terms of an EA with someone else. There really is nothing wrong with her having male friends in my opinion. HOWEVER why is she having secret phone calls/texts if it's innocent?

Could you ask to meet him?

PS Your counsellor doesn't sound like they know what they're talking about

Heartbroken47 Thu 24-Nov-16 21:37:23

There's a book called Not Just Friends - have a read and suggest she does too.
I hope things work out for you

SpiritedLondon Thu 24-Nov-16 22:18:50

Well maybe call her bluff and ask her to introduce you to him. Maybe you could meet up for drinks or he could come over for lunch? If it's all above board then presumably she won't have a problem with that.

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