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Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

(343 Posts)
bluestardressinggown Thu 24-Nov-16 00:14:11

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 00:23:18

My heart goes out to you. You've done the right thing telling ss. Keep believing your dd. It's definitely not normal for a 5 year old to disclose graphic detail or sexualized behaviour without it coming from somewhere, whether that be abuse or exposed to porn.

bluestardressinggown Thu 24-Nov-16 10:19:56

I just don't know what to think tbh. I'm so confused and upset about it, the emotions I'm feeling is akin to grief. I go through periods of denial that this could possibly be happening, sadness, panic, and anger. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm keeping it together for my DD, but I am finding it really difficult.

NowtSalamander Thu 24-Nov-16 10:23:22

That sounds like a nightmare. I think you're doing exactly the right things- keeping an open mind and informing the authorities. I hope you get some resolution soon.

MrsHam13 Thu 24-Nov-16 10:31:27

There's a high possibility it has happened but there's also the possibility it has but it was someone else who she is too scared to tell about so has said daddy as she isn't scared of him and there's the possibility a friends told her what's happening to her and she has repeated it. However, I find it hard to see how a child of that age could come out with an account of sexualised behaviour with out having had or seen/been told about something happen.

When I was seven I told my parents and the school about something that happened to me by my aunts neighbour. No one believed me. The only thing that happened was my dad told my aunt she was never to take me near him again. Years later when I was late teens he was in the papers for horrifically abusing a girl over years at the school he worked and abusing his three adopted children. So always believe unless there is clear evidence it's not true. It still tears me apart no one believed me and the other children's suffering could of been prevented.

Mumofttwins Thu 24-Nov-16 10:33:52

What a horrid situation. However, you've done great at getting in touch with SS so quick and keeping it together for your DD.

I do think it's strange that a 5 year old would even make something like that up, as it wouldn't even be on their radar.

I hope you get some answers quickly.


Jabuticaba Thu 24-Nov-16 10:36:48

I feel for you, you are doing the right thing. Denial, recanting or avoidance is very common. It is a coping mechanism because telling or recounting abuse triggers anxiety and emotions.
She's lucky she has a mother like you. Many people back down on pusuing abuse claims because they cannot handle the feelings that you are currently going through. flowers

MoonfaceAndSilky Thu 24-Nov-16 10:37:21

Of course the 5 year old is not making it up - why would she?

Cranbrookornot Thu 24-Nov-16 10:38:39

I would believe her. Why would a 5 year old invent such a thing?

bluestardressinggown Thu 24-Nov-16 11:13:10

I'm also really worried that if SS decide not to investigate further and close the case, but what my DD said was true, where that would leave us in terms of future access with her dad. If it is true, and she told me for me then to hand her over to him that would just be devastating for her. But then again, if he is innocent, I would be denying him access to his DD. I feel like it is such a burden of responsibility on my shoulders.

Jabuticaba Thu 24-Nov-16 11:22:35

I highly doubt SS will decide not to investigate further. If he is innocent then someone isn't. Whatever you do, do not ask her leading questions. Like "Are you sure it was daddy that did this?" she may answer that how she thinks you want her to, rather than with the truth. In fact I would avoid talking about it unless she tells you. When she does, I would re-assure her that telling you is the right thing to do and that children should always tell someone when adults do things they don't like. Avoid questioning her too much now. Have you considered contacting a clinical child psychologist or psychiatrist? She may need some professional help if she is starting to recount what she said, or if she is not willing to talk to SS. It will take the responsibility off your shoulders to involve a person that has a lot of experience.

Lelloteddy Thu 24-Nov-16 11:36:20

What have the police said?
IME social services are beyond useless in this sort of situation. Police have dedicated child abuse investigation teams who are highly trained and specialist in dealing with, and interviewing children.

You have to believe your child OP.

Mumofttwins Thu 24-Nov-16 12:35:09

I really don't think it's a case of your DD mistaken/wrong/lying. It's just a case of who or what she has seen.

I think contacting the police, as suggested by Lelloteddy, is a very good idea - given that they have specific teams on hand.

Maybe play therapy would be good for her? She may start to act things out with, say, dolls. And definitely don't ask questions.

slenderisthenight Thu 24-Nov-16 12:52:23

Do you have any idea where she could have got such information from otherwise, OP?

Is she having a psych consult?

0dfod Thu 24-Nov-16 13:01:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibliomania Thu 24-Nov-16 13:07:15

Just wanted to agree with pps that you're doing the right thing. It's not easy - nobody wants to make a wrongful accusation and it is a temptation to think the child has got confused. So well done to have taken action.

I also agree about not questioning her further about, but listening and reassuring her if she does bring things up.

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 13:11:25

My kids have never said anything like this and at 5 I can't think how they would even know to make this up. Is her father the only person she sees on her own?

alwayshappy101 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:11:42

flowers for you op.

What an awful thing.I agree with pps that a 5 yo will not be able to go into detailed sexual scenarios without being previously exposed to it themselves.

I also agree with the pps who have said you should go to the police.they will have officers who are specifically trained for this.they also have the authority to get a search warrant and look through your exh's computer/photos to see if there is any proof etc.

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 13:17:21

I agree maybe speaking with other agencies including the dedicated CP team might help you.

I feel for you and understand your turmoil but ultimately believe your little girl.

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 13:18:20

The police dedicated CP team

rightknockered Thu 24-Nov-16 13:41:52

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. Agree with all PPs.
Have you taken her to the Dr? flowers x

OohhThatsMe Thu 24-Nov-16 14:14:54

I agree that someone highly specialised should be talking to her now. She's made an accusation against her father - shouldn't it be the police who deal with this now?

In the meantime, I wouldn't let him see her unless I was there too.

Trifleorbust Thu 24-Nov-16 15:15:45

I think you have done the only responsible thing you could do. I would ignore those saying this will be a true allegation - you don't know this at this stage. Children can and do invent and confuse things. They also hear things from others and repeat them (for example, from someone at school). On the other hand, of course, it might be absolutely true. Your priority has to be your DD and the only way you can protect her is to treat this as if it is true until you believe otherwise.

Good luck.

loopylou6 Thu 24-Nov-16 17:25:17

I would deffo involve the police, they're far more equipped to deal with this than SS, they have their own specially trained officers for these sort of investigations.
I would also be preventing her from seeing her father for the time being, and if she must see him it needs to be supervised. I'm sure your ex will understand the situation if he is innocent, any decent parent would have no qualms cooperating with something like this, because let's be honest, if he hasn't done anything to her, someone must have, she's FAR to young to have this level of knowledge, or alternatively, a friend from school may have confided in her, either way, there is a child that needs protecting.

Oblomov16 Thu 24-Nov-16 18:33:23

Pp's wrote: why would she lie?

Children do not always tell the truth. The sexualised behaviour and the detail, do indeed make it unusual. In this particular case, it's not clear. Do you think it's possible she's telling the truth?

Hopefully sensitive care will be taken and they will get to the bottom of it.

However children have been known to lie before. Child at neighbouring school said she was hit, but older brother said it wasn't possible and then the younger one admitted it was all not true and she didn't know why she had ever said it. These things do occasionally happen.

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