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(27 Posts)
NeedAdvice92 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:08:14

When we met, everything seemed perfect. He was the perfect gentleman, listened intently when I would talk, was very accommodating, wanted to take me out and show me off around town, always complimented me and told me how gorgeous he thought I was. After meeting we quickly put everything else on hold, we were with each other every weekend, even though we lived 100 miles apart. I would drive up every Friday and we were perfectly happy weekend warriors. On the outside, he seemed perfect. He has a really great paying job, and has had a successful career in his industry that he loves to talk about, he is very handsome (and can very easily come off as arrogant, although he is quick to correct as being confident, not arrogant), and he treated me like I was the best thing since chocolate. He is very well groomed and dresses very well, but is super obsessive with his hair, and has this whole routine down with how he combs and gels it (he gets super pissed if you touch it accidentally – but I just always viewed this as one of his little quirks).

When I met his mother on a holiday, a couple months after dating, he and she argued over the smallest and most pointless little things the entire time. He justified it as being that she always loves to nag him (claims that his brother feels the same way) and that their arguing is inevitable, all the while complimenting me to her how great I am because we don’t argue and I’m so sweet to him. Fast forward 8 months or so and things still appeared to be going great with us. I had feel head over heels for him and our relationship had escalated to the point that we were both extremely wrapped up in each other. He started bringing up the idea of buying me a ring, and that we should go look. The entire relationship up to this point he would tell me how different our relationship was for him, how great I was to him and how he loved that I was so different than his ex (at the time I took this as a compliment). He would tell people how I complimented him in a lot of ways and that when he would get high strong and hyper, I would balance him out and bring him back down. That my being an introvert and more on the quiet side helped keep his easily stressed side calmer, etc. Back to the engagement ring, at the time it felt like it was the next step to take, after all we both were head over heels for each other and it felt like the thing to do. Needless to say, the window shopping turned into him pulling the trigger and purchasing an extravagant ring, although it’s gorgeous, I worried that it was too over the top but he quickly assured me that he wanted to get it for me and that I deserved it. The proposal came shortly after and discussions of the future and marriage began. Being that we do have a 9 year age gap, I voiced wanting to make sure that I completed college (that I was not done with, but was pursuing and had been pursuing before meeting him). He showed support saying that we could work it out and if I wanted to finish my degree that he would support me in my goal. At the time, I thought what the hell, even though I would have wrote it up to marry before completing school, I had the opportunity with this great man and that we could make it work.

Him being older than me, and never married before he was anxious to get our life started together and after an unplanned “accident” occurred shortly after our proposal (and a big health scare with his father – and the realization of what happened if he waited too long to get married and his parents weren’t around any longer) he was pressuring to commit to getting married in 5 months. The stress of not having health insurance, not being done with school, and the thought of being pregnant in a wedding dress lead me to wanting to abort. At the time he was supportive of my decision, but visibly let down (having had a similar scenario with an ex, and guilty feelings, he stressed that he could handle having a baby and wasn’t thrilled with my decision, but that he understood and would support me in my decision). Afterwards, with post abortion hormones still flaring and some guilty feelings on my side, we set our date for getting married. I caved in and although it was a year earlier than I wanted, we tied the knot this October. I found our venue in July, which he bad mouthed and complained about, before seeing it in person, at which he absolutely loved it. I decided on a pearl ivory dress, because I loved the vintage feel of it (to which he complained about because he felt like I should have a bright white dress), and some more disagreements along the way. Before the wedding, I started coming to terms that he was starting to show a different side of himself that I hadn’t seen before, with all the subtle complaining with my decisions on things to do with the wedding. I chalked it up to being just a small quirk of him being more of an alpha personality type, but now that I sit here and have experienced living with him full time since the wedding I’m realizing that he complains about so many things that were never issues before.
Given with everything that was going on with the wedding, I did not enroll in college for this semester, and now my schooling has become an issue. While before he spoke of how he makes enough money for both of us, that me finishing school won’t be a problem, now we have been arguing and he has been telling me I need to just get a job and worry about finishing later. Fast forward a couple days later and now he’s saying not to worry about it, to enroll at an out reach campus 40 miles down the road for this upcoming spring semester and everything will be okay. Now I’m at a cross roads. I have married a man who is finally encouraging me to enroll for Spring semester and that we will figure out my last three semesters (in which I will have to go to the main campus to finish (160 miles each day, for 4 days a week) when they come. We are in an apartment currently and he hasn’t even wanted to entertain the idea of moving 30 or 40 miles closer in the direction of my school (even though it would still be close to his work) and renting a place until I’m done with school.

He has been accusing me of being selfish and a child for not wanting to just suck it up drive a three hour round trip each day, four days a week for my last three semesters of school after the Spring 2017 semester. What makes things so bad is that before October he keep looking at houses and jobs in the town that my school’s main campus is in. He talked about how much he hated his job where he is at and was considering looking further south, and I figured it was a win-win. Then right before the wedding he completed flipped and said he decided he doesn’t want to entertain that idea anymore and that he is good with staying at his current employer. I just feel like I’m constantly getting whip lash from his constantly changing views on these big life decisions. I feel like he is wanting me to bend to everything that works for him and he doesn’t want to entertain compromising on a temporary solution to help me finish my degree. I honestly feel like he is wanting to make this hard for me so that I will give up on wanting to finish my degree so that I will stay dependent on him.

He is already making comments of how he doesn’t want to be in his late 30’s when he becomes a father, and that I need to be more supportive of where we live because of his job. He has started to cuss at me and name calling when we disagree on something and when I calmly tell him that I don’t like him insulting me for me disagreeing with him, he always tells me that I’m too “sensitive.” He is always right in everything and he says he’s the bread winner and that he ultimately gets the say. He even wanted me to take a throw blanket off the couch because he doesn’t like that it is green, and would rather me use one of his when I watch tv in the evening… I’m in a scary place because I didn’t know this side of this man and I feel like I’ve been manipulated into a powerless position in which he is wanting to control me in every way.

He constantly voices how he doesn’t like my mother and that I need to distance myself from seeing her (she is located 100 miles away, near the school I was attending – I’ve saw her once in the last month and he was with me). He talks about how he disagrees with her morals and dating life and that if I was anything like her that he would want a divorce. My mother has took the stand that he is a controlling narcissist and believes it is in my best interest to leave him and come home. My family has always been accommodating to him any time he has been around them and I’m starting to think that his dislike of her is stemming from him wanting to alienate me from my family. I’m starting to see a side of him of where he also blames me for anything that goes wrong. If he misplaces his phone or can’t find an article of clothing, then he accuses me of moving them. I mentioned our honey moon destination (which consisted of staying a week between two historic cities in the US – as opposed to flying to an island) and at the time he thought it was a great idea. Afterwards, we got into the argument on my schooling and he throws up how I don’t want to compromise on anything, citing my suggestion of the honeymoon location as being what I wanted (when I only mentioned it, and he ran with the idea). Anything that I mention, that he ends up thinking is a great idea, ultimately ends up being a negative later on.

We have discussed before getting married that he is at a different point in his life than I am, because of our age gap but he was very determined that we can make things work, that it will all be okay. I’m just so confused and surprised that something that I thought was so great has changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. He yells and cusses over small things, and then he acts like nothing has happened and goes back to acting sweet and telling me how pretty I am, and how he just needs me to be my sweet self to him. I’ve started researching narcissistic characteristics and am wondering if it might be possible that he is one?

He displays the flashy tendencies of having to have the biggest and best of everything (from my engagement ring, to his designer clothes, etc). He has started displaying the controlling tendencies of always being right, never being sorry, and never showing empathy if he hurts my feelings. His own mother mentioned to mine at our wedding that he has always been the center of attention, the pretty boy, and the heart breaker growing up. I’m kicking myself in my butt for not seeing these things sooner, but then I’ve started questioning whether I’m the crazy one, since he has these mood swings and then acts sweet and affectionate to me and then I feel guilty for thinking that he may have bad intentions and that I should run for the door.

Any advice is greatly welcome. . .


Lost and Unsure

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 19:24:45

"I feel like I’ve been manipulated into a powerless position in which he is wanting to control me in every way."

I think you've hit the nail on the head there and I'm so sorry.

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 19:27:19

An interesting article on lovebombing - which is what has happened to you by the sounds of it.

BantyCustards Wed 23-Nov-16 19:33:09

Fuck me - he's the poster-boy for a narc.

You've got him sussed - so please, do yourself a huge favour and get out now.

The fall out from a relationship with a narc redefines the word 'ugly' and you deserve better.

The hills are >>> way

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 19:41:22

I'm going to be blunt.

He's a absolute fucker and unless you listen to your own instincts now, you're going to be in for years of misery under his dictatorship. It will be much easier for you to leave now than it will be down the line when he has eroded yet more of your autonomy, conviction and self respects as well as isolating you from anyone who may offer you support.

Of course he can't stand your mother - you love her and that's competition for your focus which must be on him and no one else. She loves you too and will bolster and support you...something he really doesn't want. If he can turn you against her and diminish your relationship, so much the better.

Listen to yourself and go now.

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 19:42:44

And I agree that he is the poster boy for narcissism.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 23-Nov-16 19:48:11

Your mother is right.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 23-Nov-16 19:49:30

And he doesn't like your mother because she has the measure of what he is and he wants to distance you from anyone who'll tell you what he is.

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 19:53:43

Yes that as well. Your mother's got him pegged and he knows it.

YokoUhOh Wed 23-Nov-16 19:54:37

Leave leave leave.

Your lovely mum is right. You're right. You're strong and insightful, you can do this.


fc301 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:55:08

Never am I defending a N but ... I think aborting your child and then feeling pressured into a wedding is having catastrophic consequences on your relationship (for both of you). If you cannot both rationally discuss the OP then communication is a big problem, whatever the age gap.
Glaringly obvious solution is that you stay with your DM (midweek or permanently) to finish school. Only you & he can decide if the marriage can be salvaged.

pklme Wed 23-Nov-16 19:57:17

I’ve started questioning whether I’m the crazy one

And that is entirely how he wants it.

Well done you and your mum for spotting this before it is too late. Make your exit plans quietly, get support on here- experienced people here say things like gather up your important documents like passport etc and get them safe out of the house; get evidence of financial information if you need it; Make sure you know how to access any joint money, and how to take your share out before he locks you out.
Once you are ready, go and don't look back.

Stay safe, OP.

Winifredgoose Wed 23-Nov-16 20:03:34

You are so young. Just walk away now before this is complicated by children. Whatever he may be(and he sounds totally awful), he is making you miserable and you regret marrying him. And what ever he is like now will only get worse with time. Most people I know look back at at least one boyfriend they had in their teens/twenties with total dismay they had ever thought the person was a good idea for a relationship. I know I do. It is unfortunate you married him: but please end this relationship, go home to your mum, finish collage, and chalk this one up to experience. Good luck.

FilledSoda Wed 23-Nov-16 20:20:57

Get out right now.
This is the time when it's easiest and you are relatively unscathed.
If you delay it's going to be an absolute nightmare.
Whatever you do DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
Thank god for your mum.
Good luck OP

FilledSoda Wed 23-Nov-16 20:22:07

Be very careful he isn't watching your online activity because he has the capacity to be one dangerous man.

zen1 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:28:59

Listen to your mum, listen to your gut, do not have children with this man, and most importantly, get out! You can do it OP

Nooneofnote Wed 23-Nov-16 20:33:39

My ex didn't like my mum either. Because she had him sussed.

This will get much worse, you will be dragged into arguments and constant anxiety to please and become bitter and resentful.

If I had my time again I would leave way before I did. You won't ever change him, he won't ever take on board how he is. Trust me. Get out while you still have the mental strength

0dfod Wed 23-Nov-16 20:42:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackSwan Wed 23-Nov-16 20:43:28

Whatever label you want to put on it - his behaviour is selfish, arrogant and controlling. He's not the man you want to have kids with. You cannot imagine how mentally damaging this kind of behaviour can get when you're a new mother. What if say, you have PND and he decides that you don't need to see a doctor? Been there...
You had a near miss once, do not fall back into the trap.

SittingAround1 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:57:48

Listen to your mum & please make sure you finish your degree.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 23-Nov-16 21:29:05

The message is loud and clear OP. It's hard when you know they have a 'good' side and you try to weigh it up, but I many people's experiences, it's those controlling tendencies that win out in the long run, and the further you go into this, the bigger it will get and the harder it will be to leave.

If you still aren't sure, write a list of all the wants and needs that are yours and yours alone - finishing uni, living closer to uni and your mum, waiting longer to have kids, even down to the little things like the choice of throw you use on the sofa... Write down all your own wants and needs and look at how many of them he will 'permit' or heaven forbid, actually help you with, and compare that to the long list of what he expects from you.

It might help make things clearer for you, to see it in black and white instead of clouded with emotions tangled in how he behaved early in your relationship.

flowers for you

jeaux90 Wed 23-Nov-16 22:14:17

OP this sounds like a classic narc. I left my ex narc six years ago and you need to do the same. Nothing nothing nothing is good about these shells of people. Run, block, and don't look back. Please x

likeaZombie Wed 23-Nov-16 22:58:38

Yea he's a narc. Please leave as soon as you can. Nothing good can come from being anywhere near a narc. They are very dangerous beings. He will not change, all he will do is suck your energy, dignity strength and sanity. They litterally suck all the good out of anyone around them. Emotional vampires. They are nothing without the supply from others.
Please do some research online about narcs/cluster b personalities and go no contact soon.

pennymbali Thu 24-Nov-16 21:16:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greenandmighty Thu 24-Nov-16 22:25:44

Agree with all excellent advice given here. Please leave stealthily and protect yourself. He will make you miserable if you stay. Do not have a child with this man.

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