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Need an objective view on SAHM/work

(52 Posts)
Bonywasawarriorwayayix Wed 23-Nov-16 18:01:32

I've been at home since 3 yo DS was born. I'm after some objective opinions on what to do next.

I am a property solicitor. DH is an actuary who does contract roles. His earning capacity is much higher than mine, so we when I got pregnant (planned) we agreed that I would stay at home with DS until he started school. This was fine at the time as I'd left my last permanent role due to disillusionment and a horrible commute and took a role doing maternity leave cover.

DS is due to start state nursery school in January. I am desperate to return to work then as I miss the intellectual stimulation and sense of being myself.

DH wants us to do another year and a bit with me at home so that we can spend time together when he doesn't have a contract. He also wants to spend 3 months skiing together in Spain. I'm happy enough to ski, but it's not a big passion like it is for him. DS will be 4 then, so would probably be happy.

I don't know what to do, hence asking for objective advice from strangers. DH is desperate to live a non-conventional lifestyle for as long as possible, he gets fed up of the best case scenario of being out the house 6.50-17.30. I get it. I really do but I'm not sure how to achieve it without sacrificing my career and sanity. I love DS to bits and I think generally I'm a pretty good parent but recently I've been getting impatient and frustrated with DS. I'm not sure what to do for the best for all of us.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Nov-16 18:04:09

Get a job! Tell him to take DS to ski in Spain for 3 months and to grow the fuck up.

areyoubeingserviced Wed 23-Nov-16 18:08:38

Exactly expat

ElspethFlashman Wed 23-Nov-16 18:15:21

In other words he's saying "fuck your sanity, I want to go skiing"?

He's not taking you seriously. Have you spelt out how desperate you feel?

DoraDunn Wed 23-Nov-16 18:16:22

He can't dictate to you that you must SAH. Couples should make that decision together but ultimately the final decision is yours.

Have you decided whether you want any more children? If so, you may find it easier to have another 1 (or more) then return to your career knowing you're done with that side of things. But equally, you may not want to put your career on hold for another 2yrs+. If your DH is contracting then maybe he can finish around Jan and have a period at home with your ds.

RaeSkywalker Wed 23-Nov-16 18:17:20

I'd start looking for a job.

jeaux90 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:19:22

Yep go back to work, clearly it's what you want x

EssentialHummus Wed 23-Nov-16 18:21:36

Hmm. I'd look for locum work / Lawyers on Demand type stuff, so you can do some work as a contractor, and also join in on the skiing jolly.

GloriaGaynor Wed 23-Nov-16 18:22:30

Well I can understand him wanting to spend time together when he's not under contract.

And my God I'd love to go ski-ing for 3 months. Well, I can't actually ski, I just love mountains and snow and saunas and swimming... Switzerland for preference... If someone offered me that I couldn't turn it down. Plus it's one year more with your son, before your work and his school beckon...

But hey, it's your life.

EllaHen Wed 23-Nov-16 18:23:15

Jesus Christ - what a spoilt brat your dh sounds.

Get back to work and don't leave again.

whoopitywhoopitywhoop Wed 23-Nov-16 18:36:51

We have tried to work these dilemmas out as a couple. You are not wrong to want to return to work and he is not wrong to want a more unconventional lifestyle if you can afford it. Finding a balance between both your plans is important. But that doesn't mean he gets to decide you go along with what he wants. Easy to fall into when one is the higher earner. We have both made lifestyle sacrifices for each other and our family. I am not working for a bit which I miss, but my husband didn't get to accept the big overseas opportunity he was interested in because I didn't want that lifestyle.

noego Wed 23-Nov-16 18:42:02

SH wants to spend time with you at home when he can.
He want you all to spend time together skiing. When you don't want to ski you can shop and have a coffee in a nice café.
He wants to teach his son to ski and bond with him. Before he starts FT school.
Skiing a hobby/sport which Ds will have all of his life.
DH doesn't want a conventional lifestyle. Bite me. He wants to spend time with you and DS.
Go get the career girl. See how many times the career will cuddle you and spoon you at night.

Dozer Wed 23-Nov-16 18:44:48

biscuit noego

Dozer Wed 23-Nov-16 18:45:38

Easy for him to talk of "spending time together" when his economic position is unchanged while yours is at risk.

Dozer Wed 23-Nov-16 18:47:01

It's hardly "unconventional" to use his strong position in the labour market take time out, in the confidence he will find more well paid work. You, however, have taken 3 years out already and are in a less strong position.

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Wed 23-Nov-16 18:54:47

He doesn't know how desperate I feel, no. We've a holiday coming up so I want to get things straight in my head before discussing properly.

A couple of work from home jobs have come up, which I'd love (did it 1 day a week in my last role). They said to get back to them in January, and I will. I'll be looking for locum work too which would be ideal but seems rare locally.

The skiing would be amazing. This is not drip-feeding rather wanting to keep my OP short but we did 3 months skiing in Switzerland last autumn. It didn't work well for me as DS was too young to ski and I didn't ski due to paranoia about keeping the baby safe (I was 5 weeks when we went out, lost it at 11 weeks). But I did enjoy being in another country and all the experiences and time together, so I initially agreed to this other trip as my ILs who are great live 2 hours away from the resort. Sorry, that was a massive drip feed!

No more babies. Loosing DC2 was too painful.

That's the thing, he has a valid point about being together when he's not under contract, it's brilliant.

Friend I will be seeing next week checked my updated CV and showed it to her boss who liked it and said there may be a property role coming up at our local council. Argh! (Frustrated face).

yomellamoHelly Wed 23-Nov-16 19:09:01

Why now and not earlier when it wouldn't have been an issue?

GloriaGaynor Wed 23-Nov-16 19:15:48

As you've already done the Heidi thing (I haven't as you can tell) wink I can see now why you don't particularly want to do it again.

If you've got jobs actually potentially on offer or at least on the horizon - that's very hard to turn down. It's difficult that you'd already agreed to Spain, but surely your husband will understand if you talk it all through?

Btw what kind of property solicitor are you? You don't happen to specialise in boundary issues...?

fc301 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:18:44

Compromise on Contract work or part time?? Part time is ideal whilst they still need you at the school gate but not during the day.
You do need to do what makes you happy. A happy mummy is a good mummy (for some that is SAHM, for others it's work).

yomellamoHelly Wed 23-Nov-16 19:19:01

Okay. Seen your update.

Think I'd pursue the job front and see where it leads.

The cynic in me wonders whether you dh really sees himself on the nursery slopes for those 3 months sledding with your ds / building snowmen / doing very basic ski lessons or whether he sees you both sending him to the skiing kindergarten / you doing all of the above while he disappears off to ski the exciting slopes. Also wonder how much time you'd be spending with the ILs rather than as a little family having quality time together.

Think I'd be proposing coming out for a couple of weeks while he stays for a little longer as the only workable compromise.

That would colour my view on the job front if anything comes of it.

wherearemymarbles Wed 23-Nov-16 19:31:04

A good cv is a good cv and you'll find what you want.? Why not start in may? Once school has started you wont get the same opportunities again.

whoopitywhoopitywhoop Wed 23-Nov-16 19:31:24

And what about DS nursery place? Would he still have that to come back to after the skiing?

dottygamekeeper Wed 23-Nov-16 19:32:00

I gave up work when my DC were 7 and 5, as my DH was earning enough to support our lifestyle and I had a stressful job, also a big garden and other home responsibilities. My DH suggested that I gave up work, and was always adamant that he was happy to support us, and valued my contribution in looking after the DC, home etc.

It worked for a while, and was great whilst the DCs were young and I could collect them from school every day, spend school holidays with them etc, but I started to feel that I was losing my identity, my economic independence, and even my sanity!

I spent 10 years at home (so a lot longer than you, although I did do some part time jobs during that period), but as the children became teenagers, I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

3 years ago, I found a (mainly) working from home role using my skills from my previous career - I still earn considerably less than my DH, but working has transformed my outlook on life, increased my self confidence, given me back my independence and generally made me a much happier person. For me, it is the best of both worlds, a combination of being at home when I am needed, but earning my own money and being valued by someone other than my immediate family!

In a reversal of your position, I am now trying to persuade my DH that we should do a season skiing and/or try living elsewhere in the country, or in the world (I can work anywhere in the world provided I have wifi), we just need to work his job around that.

If you can find a role that gives you flexibility in terms of where and when you work, and enables you to spend time with your DH and your DS, that would be ideal. It sounds like you already have the option of a couple of roles like that, personally I would take one of them. My DH now realises how unhappy I was when I wasn't working, and says that he can see the huge difference it made to me when I went back to work

ElspethFlashman Wed 23-Nov-16 19:34:04

Yes, will he be on the baby slopes with a pre schooler?

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Wed 23-Nov-16 21:55:35

Sorry, I was out climbing.

DH and I have been together for 18 years noego so of course I'm not throwing away the spooning for a career. I'm trying to work out what would work for all of us.

It's a valid point that just because he's the higher earner, why should his career take precedence.

I'd make sure the skiing was balanced if we went.

Ultimately I can't apply for anything until January as DS's state nursery school won't offer us his place until December, so DH and I will chat through the options whilst we're away.

Chatting to you lot has re-inforced my convictions that I want to go back to work. I'll try to work with the market forces that seem to be in my favour right now.

Gloria mainly residential. I know enough to know that they're potentially very expensive but they were handled by the litigation partner at my last firm. Avoid if you can wink

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