Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

[OohhThatsMe]

I don't think the decision regarding a cleaner should be made by him, as you're the one who's doing all the cleaning!

[OohhThatsMe]

Is he good about keeping appointments at the doctor's/hospital, OP? What can they do for him?

[flapjackfairy]

Amen to cleaner! Find one asap and if he doesnt like it let him suggest an alternative!

[Corialanusburt]

Yes he has had scans and various appointments but reached the end of the road for anything further. If it's worn or torn ligaments which it may or may not be, it doesn't seem there's anything that can be done. He lives very carefully, avoiding physical stresses. Yoga and even the most gentle of services seemed to do long term harm so he just tries to rest and to walk.

[Corialanusburt]

So with me having 2 free days plus weekend would you say a cleaner is a fair deal? On balance I would, but he wouldn't. If I go full time next year, he thinks a cleaner would be a fair deal then.

[tribpot]

So he can't pull his weight at home but thinks he gets to decide how domestic chores are done?

[DraughtyWindow]

Have you actually seen any of the medical reports? I only ask as I have degenerative osteoarthritis of the spine, have had surgery to fuse two vertebrae and due some facet joint injections next month. I have chronic back pain per se. I'm also a single mother, have a full-time desk job, cook, clean, wash, iron, shop, have DD's pony to see to every day plus 2 dogs that require walking. I manage, so why can't he? He needs to man-up.

[Corialanusburt]

Draughty, I have seen some reports and letter from consultants. I think the issue is with the ligaments so different to what you have.
I think he needs to man up too. On the other hand I don't want to set him back when he needs not to place strain on his back.

[Stormtreader]

Tell him the cleaner is to make up some of his share of the housework that he can no longer do.
It shouldnt become 100% your job just because he cant do his 50% share of it.

[Trifleorbust]

Why does he think it's up to him whether you have a cleaner when he isn't the one cleaning? That is ridiculous. You are doing his share for him.

[Yawnyawnallday]

Chronic pain sufferer here. Life doesn't stop - you work around it and make compromises with your partner. Cleaner is good idea.

[Corialanusburt]

Yes. I agree life doesn't stop. However, if I'm able to make it such that he's less likely to have a flare up I.e. By not expecting anything if him, should I expect things then be the one who contributed to a week of double pain?
I guess I'm trying to marry up his sense of what would be logical with my feelings of what's fair and kind.

[WellErrr]

Why is the cleaner his decision??

[Corialanusburt]

Re: the cleaner. He would argue 1. That I'm here enough to do it 2. It's expensive 3. He has the right of veto as he earns quadruple what I do.

Now flame him! Or me for going along with it!

[ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh]

Ah yes that makes sense, his opinion matter more because he earns more! Tell him to stop being so tight.

[Trifleorbust]

You don't have the body armour for the flaming you are going to get

Simple: he isn't doing his share. You can afford to hire someone to do his share. You are doing his share. It is up to you, not him. You're not his slave.

If you weren't with him, who would clean his house? Oh yes, he would pay someone.

[Corialanusburt]

His other go to is: 'You need to cancel the gym' He has a point. I don't use it enough but u like it when I do. I don't have vices. It my one luxury.

I think all of the world's problems would be solved if I 'cancelled the gym'.

[Corialanusburt]

He would say that if I didn't live with him, I didn't have the nice lifestyle I have. We share our income equally tho we don't share the housework..

[Trifleorbust]

OP, you're making him sound like a dick. And like you know already that he's a dick.

[Corialanusburt]

If he read this, he would pick out anything he perceived as 'flawed logic' then ignore the rest. I need an argument that takes into account that fact that I work part time and he doesn't.

[Trifleorbust]

No, you don't. You are not obliged to clean for him because he is unable to do so. If you are a partnership and he is benefiting from you being at home, it's your money as well as his. Just insist.

[wonderstuff]

I don't think him earning more should mean he gets to make financial decisions, they need to be shared.
My dh has back issues, he has been persuaded to help himself, he keeps his weight down, exercises etc. And does work through the pain as much as he can, he has hypermobility disorder, which affects the muscles in his back. He has discovered that resting isn't helpful, it seizes up. Ultimately though it doesn't matter how anyone else lives, it's about the two of you and what you can agree on.

[Corialanusburt]

I can certainly see why you would say that trifle. So what should my argument be?

[Fintress]

Chronic pain sufferer here, sometimes excrutiating but life goes on. The more you sit about the worse it is. My husband wanted to get a cleaner and it was me who refused. The fact he earns more than you should not come into it, surely the money coming into the house is joint.

[Trifleorbust]

Your argument should be that it is as much your decision as it is his, you're not prepared to go on with the status quo and you are hiring a cleaner.