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Names have been changed... Friends gambling DH... Do you just watch it unfold?

(36 Posts)
Goandplay Wed 23-Nov-16 11:50:30

Me and DP are friends with another couple. DP has been friends with 'Charlie' since they were kids so 30plus years. Charlie has been married to 'Debbie' for 8 years.

It has become apparent that Charlie has a gambling issue. He came to DP and asked to lend a big wack of money a few years ago, said he had got himself into trouble and would pay money back the following year when he had some shares mature.

Then some time after a smaller amount - less than £1000 and that was paid back quite swiftly.

Charlie then asked if we could lend them a lot of money to finance a large purchase. Charlie said he was worried they would be turned down for finance as he had racked up some bad debts Debbie was unaware of. We said we couldn't because this amount of money would have left us without any savings (and Charlie hadn't and still hasn't paid back the very first loan). They made the purchase - how this was financed I am not sure.

Over the years I have become close to Debbie and really respect her. We see each other socially aware from our DP's.

My DP spoke to Charlie about the gambling and said it was obvious it had got out of hand and was he ok? Charlie said he had stopped, said he had got some professional help.This was some time ago.

Very recently Charlie has been asking DP to intercept post if Debbie is going to get home before Charlie - this has been ringing alarm bells. Then Debbie found some evidence by accident of recent gambling. Charlie denies this was his and said this was another friends. He also told DP the same story.

Now we have a relative that has recently started working in the gambling establishment.. Relative mentions that she saw Charlie collecting some winnings - Charlie was clearly surprised and embarrassed to see this person. After he left, the manager said 'Do you know that person?' and proceeded to tell the story of him contacting her asking her to lie if Debbie called about the evidence she found as his marriage would be on the line. This is obviously a breech of privacy on the managers behalf and now this relative is going around gossiping about this. Relative knows a lot of the wider circle of friends and there is no way she will keep any of this to herself.

Do I say anything to Debbie? There are financial implications if he is squandering all their money as well as emotional.

DP said he will speak to Charlie but I can't see that helping - it is out of Charlie's control.

I said the manager should be reprimanded but DP does not want his relative getting into trouble at work.

Or do I think this is none of my business and keep out?


hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Nov-16 12:06:12

Tell Debbie.
Tell her everything.
She has no idea what sort of debt this has got them both into.
She needs to know everything.
This happened recently to someone I kind of know.
He left her for OW.
He left her with a tonne of debt.
We are talking 100,000 worth.
Don't let Debbie be left in an awful situation she knows nothing about.
It's extremely unfair and cowardly for Charlie to expect to everyone to lie for him.
But gamblers, like any addict, don't consider the long term effects of their actions.

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 12:08:31

I would definitely tell her, too. If her money is involved (and it has to be) then she needs to separate herself financially from this guy asap.

Cricrichan Wed 23-Nov-16 12:26:02

Tell her. He needs help and she needs to know.

Goandplay Wed 23-Nov-16 12:42:52

Thank you.

My DP will be furious with me.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Nov-16 12:46:50

Why will he?
Does he think it's OK for this dipshit to lie to his DW and gamble away family money?
Ruin credit ratings etc.....
Because it will affect her as well and she has every right to know.
Your DH has no idea how awful this situation is.
And for poor Debbie to be the last to know...??? Well it's like your OH cheating on your and everyone know except for you.
It's awful.
Don't do that to her.
She needs to understand exactly what the financial situation is so she can make an informed decision on what to do for the best for herself and any DC that might be involved!

cheekyfunkymonkey Wed 23-Nov-16 12:52:25

If she really is your friend you have to tell her. If she finds out you knew when the sh*t hits the fan, which it will then she'll be furious with you and rightly so.

ChasingAPinkBall Wed 23-Nov-16 12:53:50

I'd tell her exactly what you've said here.
Poor woman.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Nov-16 13:04:30

You could just send her a link to this thread.
Then you have 'informed' her but not actually spoken to her and 'told' her!
A technicality you can argue away with your DH if necessary?

regularbutpanickingabit Wed 23-Nov-16 13:22:37

Ok. It's really shitty that you guys are in the middle of this but she deserves to know.

Personally, I would keep this about how it impacts you. I would email them both to say that you are in need of the money loaned and you need it by x date. She won't know about it, she will question and hopefully the truth will come out.
If he is stonewalling and she asks you about it then you can say that at the time you hunk it was a gambling shortfall but you don't know if he is still doing it.

loobyloo1234 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:29:17

Do they have children, a joint mortgage etc? If so, she really MUST know. I know you're stuck in the middle but if roles were reversed, you would also want to know I presume? She needs to know before it's too late by the sound of things

PoisonWitch Wed 23-Nov-16 13:34:54

You must tell her. You should have right at the start. This is her money as well as his. She will be ruined. The very thought of this makes me panicky.

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 13:36:42

You have to tell her.

He is ruining her finances, and she has no idea. She'll be devastated to find out that you knew and didn't say.

HuskyLover1 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:43:39

Aren't you furious that he is gambling and yet still owes you money? How much is it?

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 13:43:42

The very thought of this makes me panicky.

Me too.

Plus, she obviously knows something is not right if people are being told to lie to her. She's probably thinks she's going mad as he's gaslighting her.

pistachioicecream Wed 23-Nov-16 13:54:01

It's horrible that you're in this position but please, please tell her.

I have been Debbie and it has taken me years to rebuild my life.

"Charlie" is an addict and will do and say anything to keep gambling. He really does not have Debbie's best interests at heart.

She needs to know so she can protect herself or at least be able to make an informed decision about what do now.

Please tell her.

WannaBe Wed 23-Nov-16 13:59:30

TBH no I wouldn't tell Debbie. Most of the information e.g. That he's been into the gambling establishment and told staff to keep it a secret is all based on rumour, hearsay and gossip, and you have no way of proving it, even if you know it to be true.

I would tell him though that he has been seen going into said establishment and that he needs to come clean to Debbie because the individual who told you also knows a wider circle of their friends so it's likely to not remain a secret and she doesn't need to find out via the rumour mill.

ByeByeLilSebastian Wed 23-Nov-16 14:00:16

Tell her but don't expect her to be very happy with you.

Had a very similar situation last year. I decided it was best she knew. It all kicked off and they stopped speaking to me. I don't regret it though.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Wed 23-Nov-16 14:05:49

I agree I think you have to tell her, but mainly because it sounds like she's likely to find out from someone else in your wider circle because of the relative. I'm sure, even if she takes it badly, in the long term she'll prefer hearing it from you than as gossip.

aginghippy Wed 23-Nov-16 14:21:43

She's probably thinks she's going mad as he's gaslighting her.

For that reason alone, I would tell her. Also if your DP is intercepting their post to hide debts from Debbie, he is enabling the gaslighting.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 23-Nov-16 14:24:42

Intercepting the post has crossed a massive, huge, gigantic line - tell me your DH isn't doing this?

You have to tell Debbie what you know. But you can expect the friendship to go south when you do it, sorry.

Goandplay Wed 23-Nov-16 22:35:50

DP has gone and collected the post before Debbie has got home. Think he's done this (to my knowledge) twice.

I have said to DP tonight he needs to tell Charlie that I'm aware of all that's gone on and will 'probably' (read - will) be speaking to Debbie.

TulipsInAJug Wed 23-Nov-16 22:42:14

He is an addict and will have, by now, spent all of Debbie's money that he can get his hands on. Including the mortgage. She is most likely financially ruined.

Read Justin Rees Larcombe's book - he is a recovered gambler, but his marriage didn't survive.

Debbie needs to know - now. sad

Rainbowqueeen Wed 23-Nov-16 22:47:35

I would tell her.

This is her entire future on the line.

Goandplay Wed 23-Nov-16 22:50:10

I'd like to think Debbie is pretty switched on money wise and snippets over the years I know she holds tight control of her money. I know that she invested (luckily) all their savings about a year ago and it's untouchable. I know he's been able to make money as a sideline which he's been doing without her knowledge for about a year if not longer. But this opportunity has now dried up which makes me think we won't be the only people he will owe money to (not that that is the main concern here at all) just the fact that like someone else has said everyone will know.

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