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First time dating after marriage break up - does he like me or not?

(23 Posts)
MissDMeaner Wed 23-Nov-16 04:19:10

So, back on the dating scene after 14 years, finding it very tough. I'm lacking confidence, overweight and with 2 kids in tow, I'm not an ideal catch.

A friend of my brother has been very lovely to me, and made me think he was interested. He is in a similar situation to me. But I am not sure I'm reading the signals right. Does it sound promising or is he an emotional fuckwit/not ready for a relationship.

I have known this guy for a couple of years, but first time I thought there might be interest was after a long evening as part of a group in the pub where we flirted lots. However nothing happened, other than a chaste kiss on the cheek. I then texted him about a week later, as I was arranging tickets for something he was interested in and he said he wanted to come. During the texting, which was a bit flirty, he texted that he'd like to kiss me after a few beers ( was in context, I didn't take it as he needed his beer goggles to kiss me...)

We went to the show in a group and had a great time. Got very pissed together. Lot of hot and heavy flirting. I was absolutely up for it and made it very clear... Thought he was too. He walked me home and then said he had to go. WTF?

Anyway, thought I may have come on too strong, so texted him to say sorry if I was a bit inappropriate. He responded straight away with "thank you for a wonderful evening. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon xx". He also texted my brother something along the lines of "MissD is top notch. XDH was a lucky man". Sounded promising, right? But then no contact again for a couple of weeks.

Next contact was this last weekend. We were both invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. He kept staring at me across the room. When I went into the hall he followed me and asked if I was ok. A slightly awkward conversation followed. I asked him if I needed to apologise for coming on too strong. He claimed that he had been so pissed he couldn't remember walking home that night. He was much more muted, and although we had a long involved conversation about his teenage son, who lives with him and he is very concerned about, he left before the end of the evening, kissing me but with no plan to meet up. After he left he texted me to say "tonight was great, see you soon" (no kisses this time...)

I know he was badly hurt by his ex and is struggling to deal with his son, who is going off the rails ATM. I understand that. He always make a bee line for me in these group situations. But he's never asked me out or taken things further than a kiss. He's a real gentleman, and is very kind - he came round my house with my brother a few times in the summer (when I'd just kicked XDH out) and helped fix a few things, and played with my kids (who adore him).

I don't know whether, knowing how badly hurt we both were by our exes, he's taking it slow, whether he just wants to be friends, or whether he is messed up and I should stay away.

Sorry for the epic summary. What say the wise ones of MN? Is there interest there or am I wasting my time?

Summerlovinf Wed 23-Nov-16 06:23:33

I would say the ball is in his court. You've made your position clear and you invited him out the last time. If he's interested he will make a move now. Be patient though, there's no rush.

niceupthedance Wed 23-Nov-16 06:26:44

Is he dating someone else? Sounds like it.

msrisotto Wed 23-Nov-16 06:30:41

I think I'd give up on him by now.

msrisotto Wed 23-Nov-16 06:31:33

He might be interested in you but something is stopping him, whatever it is.

Ifailed Wed 23-Nov-16 06:40:52

Why not just come out and tell him how you feel? Not everyone is so clued up on all the non-verbal stuff, especially after a longish relationship and breakup. Then he either steps up, or you both move on.

Good luck anyway that you are finding some joy now.

YvaineStormhold Wed 23-Nov-16 06:48:03

He's just not that into you, but he's enjoying the attention, I would say.

If a man really likes you and is worth your time, they tend not to leave you in any doubt.

Someone else will be along soon and then he's likely to come running because that's what men like him do because you sound lovely.

You need to work on your self esteem too - stop putting yourself down and definitely stop apologising! You'll attract headfuckers if you keep doing that to yourself.

Good luck flowers

MissDMeaner Wed 23-Nov-16 07:02:21

I don't think he's dating anyone else, I think I would have heard. My brother knows I quite like him although I haven't revealed the level of navel gazing I'm displaying on here to him, and would have said if he was involved with anyone else.

I suspect he's perhaps not ready to get involved with anyone else yet, or he doesn't want to get involved with me and regrets flirting. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was - it was only when he texted he'd like to kiss me that I started getting a bit hopeful and hot under the collar. I would have been quite up for a shag, and I just wonder if he was too but then remembered my brother and thought it was a bit close to home.

I would love to be brave enough to ask him, but I have this little voice in my head, you know, the sneery put down voice that whispers "why on earth would he want you, fat old bag" and my ego is too fragile for full on rejection at the moment. Certainly not ready for the trauma of OLD yet!

You know what, it was lovely to be flirted with, and that alone gave me an ego boost (XDH was very good at putting me down physically) and I'll leave the rest alone. If he's interested time will tell, but I'm going to stop obsessing and trying to analyse everything.

YvaineStormhold Wed 23-Nov-16 07:04:46

Sounds sensible - but please stop calling yourself such nasty names sad

TheNaze73 Wed 23-Nov-16 07:54:50

I think you're in with a shot here.

99% of men, would not mess about with siblings of friends, if it was just going to be a one & done.

Since Tinder came along & changed all the rules, men don't need to pursue & chase, like they might of done 14 years ago, due to the plethora of options that are now readily available to them.

I'd just be direct and go for it. Good luck & don't be so negative about yourself smile

Musiclife Wed 23-Nov-16 07:58:26

I think you must have made it clear you liked him especially if you apologised for coming on too strong. How did he respond when you said that?

I would probably leave it for now but next time you are in company you just be open to a bit of flirting and see how it goes.

JustSpeakSense Wed 23-Nov-16 10:55:20

I think he sees you as a friend only.

StefCWS Wed 23-Nov-16 10:59:39

I think he is interested but maybe not ready for a relationship and knows it. If he likes you or feels ready then he can chase you , but for now keep hitting the dating scene and forget about him

Somerville Wed 23-Nov-16 11:10:37

Could your brother have had one of those 'don't you dare hurt my sister' type conversations with him? Or at least given out that kind of message even if not in so many words? I suspect that something like that could be behind him not wanting to shag you. So he does want to, but doesn't know if you'd then expect something serious and doesn't know if he wants that/is ready for it.

If you're up for a FWB arrangement or just a fling then you could hint at it. Say you're thinking of starting OLD because whilst you don't want a serious relationship right now you miss sex.

If you're more interested in something serious in the longer term with him then I'd work very hard at being friendly and not flirting and seeing if he loses interest or sticks around. Friendship is a much better foundation for a relationship than a drunken shag and ensuing awkwardness....

BoxingHelena Wed 23-Nov-16 11:11:04

totally second what •YvaineStormhold• says
please do not apologies with him EVER again, he was in it with you at the time than backed off...

I would not contact him at all, he knows already fully well.

Just keep working on yourself, treat yourself well and look fabulous and unattainable next social event.

Get yourself a OLD account and come in the Topic on here, to swap notes ;-)

User7o873 Wed 23-Nov-16 11:11:15

Sounds like he likes you but maybe isn't ready to get serious yet. He's possibly also wary about your brother -if it didn't work out. Back off a bit for the moment. Maybe something will happen in the future.

ArcheryAnnie Wed 23-Nov-16 11:29:35

He sounds like he likes you but - for whatever reason - is not going to do anything about it.

You have done nothing wrong, and don't need to apologise to him about anything.

It is already clear to him that you are interested, so the ball is in his court. I wouldn't wait for him, TBH. You could wait forever. Go out and find someone you like who WILL act on their interest! (And stop calling yourself names!)

MissDMeaner Wed 23-Nov-16 12:27:27

Thanks all. My brother could have had words, he is a bit protective of me since XH left. I hadn't thought of that. I will ask him.

He's been very kind to me and my kids, and I find that really sexy. However, kindness doesn't necessarily equal sexual attraction on his part, does it?

I'm spending way too much time obsessing about him. It's the first time in a long time anyone has paid me attention, and it's assuming a greater significance in my head than perhaps it should. I do like him a lot, he is kind and makes me laugh. But I (sorry for tmi) am also in need of a good shag, to put it bluntly, and I do fancy him.

I've looked at some OLD websites and been terrified. I just don't think I'm ready for them.

Musicliffe - I said something along the lines of do I owe you an apology for the other night? He said no, not at all, why?

Me - I was a bit OTT
Him - in what way?
Me - well - err, you know
Him - to be honest, I can't remember much after leaving the pub
Me - oh, ok, that's good
Him - why, what happened? Did I offend you?
Me - no, quite the opposite
Him- what? You didn't upset me, what did you do?
Me - what about the extreme flirting?
Him - what?
Me - I came on to you. I'm really sorry (I know, stop apologising)
Him - wait, what?
Me - I'm sorry (and then I walked off, mortified with embarrassment)

The thing is, I'm pretty sure he's pretending he didn't remember as otherwise why would he have sent the texts the morning after, having seen my text from the night before apologising for being inappropriate.

It's a bit crap, isn't it.

I need to move on from this and not see him for a bit I think. Aargh, it's not easy this stuff, is it?

Somerville Wed 23-Nov-16 12:50:40

No, kindness doesn't necessarily equal a sexual attraction. It's a good start though...

I'd spend more time working out what you would want from him and a lot less thinking about what he might want. Part of getting your confidence back is knowing what is right for you and then not compromising that. I think at the moment there is a risk of you shagging him after a party when you actually want a relationship (or whatever), that not materialising and your confidence taking even more of a knock.

He clearly greatly likes you either as a person or perhaps romantically. Try to use that to bolster your own confidence and enthusiasm for life. (Which I know is easier said than done.)

And once you've worked out what you might want, talk to your brother!

Cricrichan Wed 23-Nov-16 13:15:58

I think you've made it clear that you'd be interested in taking it further. He's either not ready, scared of starting another relationship or considers you a friend.

But please stop putting yourself down! To get your self esteem to improve, why don't you join a gym, follow a nutrition programme, buy some new clothes etc if you're not already doing it.

MissDMeaner Sun 27-Nov-16 21:18:00

Quick update:

He called me on Friday to offer to help with some diy I was struggling with, and is coming round tomorrow when the kids will be in bed to do it. It's over a week since we had a conversation about it (I hadn't asked him to help, he'd remembered from before and asked how I was getting on), so I hope it's a cautiously optimistic sign. I offered to get beer in to say thankyou and he laughed and said it would be a good idea. Fingers crossed...

BoxingHelena Sun 27-Nov-16 21:24:44

that's great Miss
I would stay off the beer though :-)

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 27-Nov-16 21:50:10

It's definitely a good sign :0)
Relax a bit - you do seem to want to kick-on a bit too soon (IMHO)?

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