Friendships - I think I'm becoming a loner

[monkeytree]

Hi
Just wanted to get some things out of my head and out into cyber space I suppose and if anyone can relate then so much the better!
I am a sahm - gave up a part-time job to look after dc2. Then I had a late mc with dc3 and became totally withdrawn from the world and estranged from two family members at the same time. I have two or three friends that I'm lucky if I can catch up over a cuppa with every couple of weeks although I do spend some time with one friend sometimes having a walk with her and her dc's at the weekend etc. every few weeks. I have a couple of acquaintances I see every few weeks for a cuppa and I enjoy their company when I get around to arranging to meet up. I recently took up a part-time evening college course and really enjoy it and spend a lot of time working on it. I think I have grown use to my own company and I'm trying to gauge whether it is healthy or not. I thought about doing some voluntary work when dc starts pre-school but I am now talking myself out of it; prefering to work on my own projects which will involve me and a computer (although creative) and therefore insular and will not involve meeting new people etc. At the same time and contrary to this I get a twinge when I feel left out of something when friends go out with their other friends/work colleagues for a meal etc, staying with friends/family at weekends etc. I guess the point is I don't get invited out to things these days and nor does our family as a whole really - just the occasional childs birthday party. I don't seem to be in any particular circles as I was when dc1 was small. I go out once a week to my college course in the evening and take dc2 out to a couple of groups each week during the day but that is about the extent of my social life. I have tried to fit into a mother and toddler group locally but I haven't managed to make any firm friendships there. It's not that I necessarily want to go out to things it just would be nice to be included and invited along to things- that sounds contradictory and doesn't make sense I know. I'm not sure whether it is because I feel awkward and lack confidence socially and therefore struggle with my self esteem or whether I truly cannot be bothered with maintaining friendships with others. But I feel I have become detached from other peoples lives only caught up in my own and it feels quite insular at times. Instead I' seem to have thrown myself into books, TV, mumsnet and my college course and of course dc's and dh, it just feels easier that way. thanks for taking the time to read if you have read this rambling post.

[NotTheFordType]

It's not that I necessarily want to go out to things it just would be nice to be included and invited along to things- that sounds contradictory and doesn't make sense I know. I'm not sure whether it is because I feel awkward and lack confidence socially and therefore struggle with my self esteem or whether I truly cannot be bothered with maintaining friendships with others.

I feel you. For me, I can't be bothered with friendships that are more than casual. I get nothing from them and therefore they are pointless to me. Yeah it does sting a bit when everyone except me is invited on a night at the pub, but then I know I would just say no anyway. I just want to be asked, so I can say no. Moral of the story, if you keep saying no then eventually you'll stop being asked.

[monkeytree]

Hi NotTheFordType

Thank you for your reply. There was a time when I was being invited to other peoples houses; a local mums get together type thing with cheese and wine in the evening every month or so and that petered out or the people that invited me didn't host anymore. I also hosted but got the impression people came to have a nose at my new house/meet with others rather than it being anything to do with my company. I've lost a few friendships along the way; people weren't what I believed them to be and/or we drifted apart. I enjoy the company of my couple of good friends but more on a one to one basis with a cuppa and a good natter. I don't feel particularly comfortable in groups; tend to be an observer. I guess due to family commitments I don't do an awful lot socially with my friends and I have got lazy; sitting back and not organising. People don't tend to come to me, I have to organise stuff when really I'm probably lazy in this respect and want someone else to be responsible for my social life. As with most things in life I guess you've got to put in the effort!