Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Higher sex drive than DH - help, I'm going bonkers!

(42 Posts)
ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 19:16:10

Any of you ladies have a higher sex drive that's your DP/DH?
I'm going bananas here!
We've talked it all through in the past - I wondered if he no longer found me attractive or whatever, and he vehemently denied this. Said I was worried about nothing. I think he's just lazy and glued to the telly or iPad (not porn).
We're now on day 10 (yes, I'm counting, I can't help it). It's dwindled from every few days then used to be once a week (always on a wknd, soooo predictable but better than nothing!).
Don't get me wrong, I don't want it 24/7 but I'd like him to initiate it (sometimes) and for it not to be the same quickie that's like a bad programme on repeat. He's not given me oral sex since July.
Anyway, he's amazing in every other way so do I just ignore it? I'm not bringing it up with him again, he looked devastated the last time I did.
Lying here with a lady garden resembling the last chicken in Sainsbury's after a full wax (he likes it all off) and he never even batted an eyelid, he's now snoring and I'm ranting to you lot!
Apologies if TMI - surely I can't be the only woman with a higher sex drive than her hubby?! What do you do?

NotTheFordType Tue 22-Nov-16 19:39:20

What do you do?

You leave. Sorry if that's harsh but he has made it plain he's not interested in the very basics of a relationship (ie sex.)

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 22-Nov-16 19:46:32

Same here. I'm up for it at least 3 times a week and am lucky to get it once every ten days. And we're trying for a baby.....

I get knocked back 9 times out of 10. Mostly he's too tired. He's also incapable of spontaneity, it's always in our bed at night. Any time I try for a laugh in the living room, or anywhere else for the matter, he's got things to do and hasn't time for a quick shag. Or even a blow job.

His sex drive is low, but I accept that mine is (and has always been) unusually high. It was much the same before we decided to try for a kid, but we know now that he has massive fertility issues, so I'm wondering if he's feeling very inadequate. Of course, I feel rejected a lot which is difficult.

I'm not going to leave him.

ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 19:48:47

Hmmmm I can tell you're the type to take marriage vows seriously! He's got a lower sex drive than me, he's not beating me up - jeez! Why do I get the feeling that if a man was posting about his DW having a lower sex drive then your response would have been different.

ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 19:51:47

Very possibly a confident dent for him. A good friend said her DH's sex drive took a dive when they faced fertility issues and it was on his part. Rather than wanting to try more to maximise their chances he shut down because he felt like a failure. They got through it though and now have DS.

Badcat666 Tue 22-Nov-16 19:56:20

Just have a wank! A lovely lady wank grins

I think films and newspapers/ magazines have muddled our heads that men want it all the time. They don't. They get knackered and braindead and maybe sometimes even a bit fearful they won't be able to "stand to attention" when we want them to and send us over the edge of waves and waves of pleasure. (god damn you Mills and Boon!)

I just let you fingers do the walking and let your imagination go wild. That way you get your rocks off and hubby doesn't retreat further into his sexual shell (so to speak).

hanwellfan Tue 22-Nov-16 19:59:18

Train noise isn't that bad- it's prob worse in the Golden Manor/ Manor court road bit. I know lots of people in the roads to the right of the Greenford Ave (say from Netherhaven/ Holly Park up to Shakespeare) who really can't hear much, especially with double glazing. You can hear if you listen out but it's usually not obtrusive.

HeyRoly Tue 22-Nov-16 20:10:20

Hahaha wrong thread hanwellfan grin

I agree with badcat OP. Why not get some toys as well, if you find a basic wank too boring.

ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 20:13:57

Badcat666 & *HeyRoly
I do 'sort myself out' when required but it's more the intimacy I miss, I enjoy the physical connection with him.

He's so affectionate in normal day to day life too, I suppose I can't have it all!

crje Tue 22-Nov-16 20:23:46

I got a period tracker app which has taken the mystery out of our miss matched drives.
I have 10 days in the month where I look longingly at anything that could get me off !!Dh,corner of the table ..
It's before & during ovulation
I still like sex the rest of the month but I don't get frustrated or cross about it.

So I DIY when necessary & it has made my advances less threatening.
I told Dh I had a higher sex drive around ovulation & he does make more of an effort.

I think taking matters into your own hands might help.

ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 20:27:36

Thanks crje
I'll look into that smile

NotTheFordType Tue 22-Nov-16 20:46:48

Yeah fair point, if it was a man I'd say "stay married but just come and see me once a week". Because that's the majority of my clients. That's how they cope - by seeing prostitutes.

But it's a known thing that women don't buy sex, hence I said leave.

Mis-matched sex drives are seriously the worst thing ever. You will end up hating each other. The one with the higher libido will end up feeling unloved and unwanted and unloveable. (And if it's a woman, like an unworthy slag for daring to want sex. Yay, patriarchy!) The one with the lower libido will feel horribly pressured and "if s/he loved me s/he wouldn't want sex all the time."

sweetchilli77 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:04:50

Jesus sound like a dream, bet your clients love you.

Hope you don't charge for that piece of shit advice

wherearemymarbles Tue 22-Nov-16 21:15:21

I do think men and women look at it differently to some extent.

I dont take it personally when my wife says no, I accept she's not in the mood and go and sort my self out if needed. I may feel frustrated but never ugly or unloved.
I think women tend to take it far more personally, as if no self respecting man would ever turn down sex unless there was something hidwously wrong with you.

Which is of course motcthe case. Right now there is literally nothing my wife could do to get me in the mood for shag! Its been a long day!!

Owllady Tue 22-Nov-16 21:19:52

Love hanwellfans post grin
I'm sure it will sort itself out op. Has anything else changed?

Esoteric Tue 22-Nov-16 22:46:19

On the topic of ' 'sort yourself out'. Anyone else got a partner that insists on doing this next to you several times a week, ideally with you giving a slight hand, or is mine just odd, personally it's something I much prefer on my own! I actually much prefer it to sex to be brutally honest

YetAnotherGuy Tue 22-Nov-16 23:22:38

OP - a few questions if you don't mind

Has his interest in sex declined over the years? And how many years have you been together?

Has he had (even once) a problem sustaining an erection? Even once could be a massive blow to his ego

The Brazilian - your idea or his?

DadWasHere Wed 23-Nov-16 00:07:22

Yeah fair point, if it was a man I'd say "stay married but just come and see me once a week".

Well, I am pissed now. Let me try and execute a more complex myth and bury it alongside the simpler corpse Badcat tried to deal with.

The same society telling women that men are always up for it and that women have control over what a man thinks of them according to when sex is supplied to them, that is the same society that is fucking with mens minds as well, in different ways.

The majority of men in relationships will not replace lack of sex by going to a prostitute. The majority of men CANNOT do it, even if they think they could, even where its fully legal. Society simply does a damn slap up job of thinking that for men it is always a single dimension problem. Get sex... problem solved!

Most men want exactly what women want, not sex, but to be desired. To be desired by somebody they feel is capable of making a selective, valued, judgement of their worth and relative desirability.

Unrequitedlove Wed 23-Nov-16 00:32:30

Could he be a bit depressed? Just an idea? Or feel under pressure?
Ultimately it will come to a stage where you can't brush under the carpet.. you may end up feeling resentful and unloved..
can you go to relate?
If you can't work on it together it may come to a stage where you either accept it or go your separate ways. Give each other the opportunity to find someone more compatible perhaps.. although if everything else is good, consider what you're losing. Anyhow, life is too short to be unhappy..

CouldIHaveIt Wed 23-Nov-16 00:50:08

We ended up separating.

I don't know whether something wasn't right with us for him, or his not wanting to have sex was making it not right for me. There didn't seem to be any other problems and he definitely didn't have anyone else. He didn't know why he wasn't 'in the mood' anymore. He said he still found me attractive, that he didn't fancy anyone else etc he just didn't want to but didn't know why.

So in the end we separated. It was upsetting me, hurting me & completely robbing me of my self esteem. I was finding it harder & harder to refuse advances made by other men and I didn't want live like that for the rest of my life. Of course it was more complicated than that as we'd begun to argue about stupid things, but that was really because I'd become so unhappy.

We were young & didn't have kids.

I don't know what I'd do now. I really don't, but I feel for you, it's horrible. 'Sorting yourself out' doesn't solve wanting more intimacy or feeling rejected.

BastardBernie Wed 23-Nov-16 06:49:36

Oh lord I am in this position right now too sad I can't take another rejection but nor can we talk about it because I get the same cold, robotic answers.
I'm not able to 'sort myself out' regularly so honestly, it has been 8+ weeks since I've felt any sort of sexual feeling.

TheNaze73 Wed 23-Nov-16 07:59:58

Sex & Finances are the two biggest causes of splits in marriages & relationships.

I do feel for you OP, it must be horrible. The fact your counting down the days & the months of the last time you received oral are so, so sad.

I think you may have to split up

mummyplus7 Wed 23-Nov-16 08:43:44

I always want it more than hubby and it's always so boring but I don't want to try and pressure for anything more exciting or I might end up getting it even less.

Happybunny19 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:18:02

Can't say I agree with some advice here. Sorting yourself out - not really the same as intimacy with someone you love, so I don't think that's sufficient.

Men like this go and visit prostitutes - wow, what utter shite. Most men actually want the same as women in a loving relationship, close, loving intimacy. Advertise your services elsewhere.

We went from loads of sex to it dwindling after the first two kids, tiredness, busyness etc. We barely did it at all during my last pregnancy, so were pretty much gagging for it when baby finally arrived. We made a pact, which started as a joke, that we would dtd every day for a month. It's now been four months and it has been pretty much every night. The impact on the rest of our relationship is amazing. We get on so much better. Also as it's assumed we'll be doing it, no one has responsibility to initiate. The more you get the more you want.

When you discussed it before what did you agree to improve things? Has he always wanted to less than you? Does he perhaps feel pressured because you're actively trying to conceive? That can be a massive turn off if he's feeling like a sperm donor.

NotTheFordType Wed 23-Nov-16 10:21:52

Most men actually want the same as women in a loving relationship, close, loving intimacy.

Yes. And if they don't get it in their marriage, they'll get it somewhere else.

I'm loving all the people with zero experience of sex work telling me what sex work is like grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now