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Doubts about 6 year long relationship...seeki
ng advice from outside opinion!
Hi, this is my first post on here and I'm looking for some advice. This might turn into quite a rant so I appreciate if anyone makes it to the end and has any words of wisdom for me!
Basically, I'm 25 and I've been with my BF (34) for 6 years now and I'm having doubts about the relationship.
There's no sign of a proposal currently, we have disussed marriage before and talk as if we will get married one day but he's also told me he never intended to get married before he met me, he doesn't see the point in marriage, doesn't like being centre of attention, his idea of a nightmare etc. Which to be honest doesn't make me feel great about the prospect of a wedding day spending all day thinking he's hating every second.
We have lived together for almost 4 years and have had a dog for 3.
I have so many issues with the relationship and go through extreme phases of thinking 'oh my god I need to get out of this, what am I doing?' and 'I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, he's perfect for me'
I'm so confused about the whole relationship and the problem is is that I know he really loves me and is happy with how things are (for the most part anyway)
We have quite different personalities and priorities. For example, I am very happy with who I am as a person, I have a pretty positive outlook on life and am very laid back. He is basically the opposite in all those cases, he doesn't particularly think much of himself, he's very much glass half empty and gets stressed about really small things. I really struggle to cope with him when he lets these things get the better of him. I find myself snapping at him to 'chill out!!' these days when he's getting angry because he's spilt a drink or lost his keys, just menial things like that that there's no need to get worked up about.
Money is also a bit of an issue, I have always been someone who thinks it's important to save money, I'm definitely a saver rather than a spender. He is a spender. Money burns a whole in his pocket and I worry about the fact that he is in his mid-30's with absolutely no life savings.
I'm at a point where I feel like, this isn't what I envisioned for myself for a relationship. I see my friends get boyfriends and get engaged within 2-3 years because their boyfriend's can't wait to marry them. And I've been in this relationship longer than any of my friends and it just makes me think..why does he not want to marry me?
Of course there are also positive aspects of the relationship. When we get on it's great. His family are lovely. We've been through a lot together..but I just don't know if we should be together any more..
I'd just really love an outsiders perspective if anyone has made it to the end of my epically long post. Thank you! x
If you need to ask and are questioning this then I think you know what you need to do.
Life is way too short.
What is the house situation?
My ex didn't really like the idea of marriage either. He proposed and we got engaged after about 6 years..I assumed that meant we'd get married. It didn't ..he did it to placate me for another while as I was pretty dissatisfied as you are at present. Any time I mentioned setting a date he would change the subject..he had no intention of marrying me.
My husband now on the other told me after we'd been together for maybe a year that he wanted to marry me, he told me he was going to propose within 2 years. He did and we got married a year later.
When a man wants to marry you he will!
If you aren't happy and you aren't getting what you want it's ok to walk away. Life's too short!
Do you love him though? How is this man really perfect for you, what has made you think that at all?. How do you know he loves you, what does he do to show you that he loves you not just in words but in deeds too?.
You met this man when you were 19 and at you had no real life experience behind you. Did you meet him as well when you were in a bad place yourself?.
What do you get out of this relationship now, what emotional needs of yours does he meet here?. Your listed "positive" aspects of the relationship are really quite weak ones. What do you really have in common; although opposites do attract one another it seems like you have outgrown this man and he does not meet your needs any longer.
If you do want marriage it won't be to this man because he does not want to marry (or if he does eventually it will not be to you); he has already stated as much and I think you are just coasting along unhappily. He will not likely change his mind and I would not waste any time hoping he will change his opinion on marriage.
Neither of you are madly, profoundly in love with each other, are you? Thing is, unless you are that deeply committed then any marriage is likely to fail. Why pressure him into something neither of you seem ready for?
You've been with this man since you were 19, so your first important relationship. You're comparing yourself to your friends who all seem to be getting married, so you feel dissatisfied. I get that.
In the nicest possible way, you seem very young. I'd guess you'll need another relationship or
six two before you meet Mr Right. If I were your BF I'd not be keen on marrying you either. You seem to have "getting married" as a life goal, to be achieved at a certain age, rather than understanding that it's the quality of the relationship that matters.
I only married when I knew that he was the love of my life, that no one else would do. I wouldn't have married unless I felt that way. Boyfriends, sure, but husbands are forever.
You don't sound as loved up as you should if you're thinking of marriage. If you're in a hurry to get married, finish with this guy and look elsewhere. Hold out for real love: trust, humour, passion, kindness. When you meet a man who wants to marry you, trust me, he will leave you in no doubt about his feelings and commitment.
(I'm not sure if there's a way to reply specifically to each person yet on here so I'll just write my replies in one go here..)
Hellsbellsmelons - We rent at the minute. We thinking about buying the house we're renting as it's owned by his parents but obviously I have my reservations to make such a big move with how I'm feeling at the minute
Simonneilsbeard-Thank you for telling me your experience, it's helpful to hear when people have been in a similar situation. And I'm glad you're with someone who deserves you now! I do genuinely believe he intends to marry me one day I just know that he's only going to do it because it's important to me to be married.
AttilaTheMeerkat - I do love him, whether I'm IN love with him at the minute or not, I'm not sure. I know he loves me because if he ever gets the impression that things aren't going well and if he ever feels the relationship is on the rocks he gets really upset. He's never mean to be, we don't really argue, he is a good person but I just don't know if that's enough of a reason to stay with him. I know I didn't list many positive things in my OP, and I think I struggle to think of the positive's when I'm in such a negative mindset about the relationship.
But I think you are spot on about the fact that I was so young when we first got together. I wasn't in a bad place when we got together but he was my first serious boyfriend. I think one thing stopping me from calling a day is the thought that he is a really nice person, he never treats me badly, plenty of people would love to have someone like him for a boyfriend. And then there's everything we've been through together, I was really ill a few years ago and it breaks my heart to think about leaving him after he stood by me through all of that. I'm my own worst enemy in the situation. I know I shouldn't stay with him just to keep him happy....ultimately I know the only way to solve all this is to sit down and have a serious convo with him. But it's easier said than done..
Since you're young and you're unsure of how you feel about him, put marriage out of your mind for now and concentrate on the relationship. If you then realise that actually you do want to get married or no, you don't love him enough or are compatible enough then you can act accordingly.
As an aside, I'm forever grateful that my ex didn't marry me. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons, I was young and I was insecure and I felt that I needed him to prove his commitment to me. If he had married me he would have only been doing it because I wanted and not because he wanted to iycwim
I think maybe this relationship has got as far as it ever will. I was with my ex for 7 years and although we spoke about marriage, I don't genuinely believe it would have ever happened. I put this down partly due to us getting together quite young (your age actually OP) and we coasted along for a long long time, bought a house, had a couple of cats and just plodded.
It was a difficult step to say it was over for me as he was all I had known and nothing really happened, I just felt like it had run its course and it wasn't going to get any better than it was. I feel like, from your post, that this is where you are now. There is nothing wrong with admitting you want more and making strides towards it. Maybe have a long meaningful talk with your DP and see if you honestly both want the same things in life. You might even find he is having doubts also.
How would you feel, if say at Christmas he proposed out of the blue? Would that make everything wonderful? If so, then I'd say he is the man for you, but you are totally fed up of his dithering and you need him to piss or get off the pot! I've no idea why some people take so long to propose? We were at a wedding this year, and it took the guy THIRTEEN years to propose! I would have been long gone.
I have to say as well, that about 18 months after I met my current DP, and 5 years down the line we have a beautiful home, a gorgeous 2 year old DD, both of our careers are flourishing and we are getting married next year. It was the best decision I made to take that big step and leave the relationship.
You could be in this relationship for over 60 years! I think it's always sad to break up a relationship and there are losses, such as his family but you do recover.
There is a reasonable age difference and he is certainly who he will be now, you however at 25 will continue to change.
I don't think anyone regrets leaving a relationship as you often put a lot of thought into it beforehand.
It will never get much better - only much worse. Having a difference in finances is a MAJOR challenge, especially when house ownership & children come into it.
You have outgrown this relationship. He's a manchild and people like this don't change by the time they are his age. You have only to trawl this board to see that no good comes of staying with a manchild. It's flogging a dead horse. Start making plans to move out when your tenancy is up. You deserve so much more than this.
It sounds like you just need a conclusion, one way or the other. If he's not ready at 35, I suspect he never will be.
Call me a cynic, but I think a lot of men deliberately go for a younger woman who is inexperienced/at a much earlier life stage, so they can coast along for a bit & avoid settling down. Perhaps he's happy just "passing time".
Please don't allow yourself to be fobbed off by him saying "in another couple of years". Chances are, you'll find yourself in the same situation. Staying with him could stop you meeting someone you're better with.
So do have a conversation with him about your needs & what's important to you. If he really loves you, he'll take these on board.
If he doesn't, you have your answer.
He has told you he doesn't want to get married.
Either accept that or end the relationship, decide which is more important to you, him or marriage.
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