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My mum is ruining our relationship

(29 Posts)
LardArse88 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:02:46

Going to keep this short as its a long story
My brothers ex lived with my mum for a year and a half she wasn't in a relationship with my brother but she had no where to live so my mum took her in along with my niece and her other kid.
I came to live with my mum and I needed my old room back so my mum asked her politely when she would be looking for somewhere else to go.

She flipped and went mad threatening me and that she wants to kick my baby out of me she actually attacked me pulled my hair and smashed my phone up and the police were called. They arrested her charges were dropped as she said nothing happened all she did was brush passed me. This was the first incident the second time she threatened to get people down and set the house on fire.

Anyway her child benefits and tax credits go into my mums back account my mums goes to meet her every week to give her the money and my mum is helping her move into her house today. My mum was in town with her yesterday walking around shops.

I just can't believe it and I think it's an absolute joke my mum tried to blame me for ringing the police on her she said I didn't even want to leave a statement but you made me. At the time of the incident my mum was more than willing to leave the statement the police officer actually said she should make the statement as its her house she was threatening to set on fire.

My mother is ruining our relationship when she meets her she talks about my business to her and I can't stand it!!!! angry

Arfarfanarf Tue 22-Nov-16 11:06:20

Have you talked to your mum and asked her why she does this when she knows how much it upsets you and told her that it feels like she thinks more of this person than she does you.

Perhaps she does. Painful as that is. Maybe that's exactly what it is.

If so, then maybe the best option for you is to move out and limit contact with your mum. If she doesn't want to 'choose you' (iyswim) you can't make her but you can choose whether you want to maintain a close relationship with her or tell her things.

If she discloses your business - don't tell her your business

Happybunny19 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:16:34

It's taken me 42 years to realise that some mum's are just shit and don't have what it takes. Sorry yours may be useless too. I would plan on being independent of her asap and minimize the negative impact she has on your life. Of course her loyalty should be on you x

LardArse88 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:22:09

It's hard to not tell her my business because we live together so she knows everything.
Your probably right happybunny! If it was me I would of cut contact with her right away and stopped the benefits being paid in. My mum seems to forgive and forget easy and I really don't not when someone has done something so wicked and cruel to me. I have told her this! It feels like she's cheating on me when she's texting her and goes of and meets her. It's just disgraceful I wouldn't dare do this x

Happybunny19 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:26:27

Are you able to move out? I'm right that you're pregnant at the moment aren't I? Can you apply for social housing? Do you have any other support, baby's father, friends? What does your brother think about your mum having such close contact with his nutty ex?

LardArse88 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:34:53

yes I'm pregnant not just yet I'm on maternity pay so saving for first months rent and deposit is a mare. I'm already on the social housing list in my mums area but I'm not wanting to stay around here so probably going to private rent after Christmas. Baby's father is pretty much invisible, I have really great friends but they are up north where I use to live hence trying to move back there.
My brother has moved on and has a new partner so we rarely see him he doesn't really speak about her. I just wish she would piss of! but then of course my mum is a grandma and loves my niece loads and she would probably cut contact if she stopped the benefits going into my mums account.

summerainbow Tue 22-Nov-16 18:50:46

Why do you think you had the right to kick her and her niece out of their home ?

LardArse88 Tue 22-Nov-16 19:15:58

Lol what? She lived with my mum for one and a half years leaving and coming back when she wanted she got pregnant again and then moved back in with my mum. I slept on the sofa for 4 months while her and the two kids had my room she wasn't looking for anywhere to live. So my mum asked her how much longer she needed as I wanted my room back. I don't think their is anything wrong with that and I wouldn't kick my niece out of my home. She should be providing a home for her own children!!

NotTheFordType Tue 22-Nov-16 19:37:01

She should be providing a home for her own children!!

Like you are? Oh wait.

stitchglitched Tue 22-Nov-16 19:40:47

Your brother has an obligation to house his children too, sounds like your mother was very kind and stepped in to help when he didn't. She is probably also staying close to his ex so that she can keep an eye on her grandchildren and remain in their lives. She sounds nice and sensible, try not to put her in the middle.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 22-Nov-16 19:46:13

In taking in your db's ex and her 2 dc, one of whom is your db's child, your mum sounds like a woman with a big heart but you sound like a demanding and self-entitled little madam.

Your mum has effectively turfed her grandchild out of her home for you and now you expect her to cut contact?

Get over yourself and stop giving your dm a hard time.

Blu Tue 22-Nov-16 19:51:41

OK, try and see some of this from your Mum's pov.

She's happy for you to move in and have your old room - good - she is being a kind and supportive Mum.

Meanwhile, your brother is being a completely irresponsible so and so and is not providing for his child so it seems. Your Mum loves her gdd and is stepping up to help. If she makes an enemy of her gdd's mum she will as likely as not never see her gdd again.

Evict her, as gently as possible, yes. But calling the police probably felt like a step too far for her.

Talk calmly with your Mum, don't escalate an already difficult situation. Be grateful to your Mum for housing you.

coolaschmoola Wed 23-Nov-16 05:57:39

It's not your room. It's your mum's...

BastardGoDarkly Wed 23-Nov-16 06:07:04

You feel like she's 'cheating' on you when in contact with her? That's weird, you've got your room, stop demanding more. I feel sorry for your Mum.

Scooby20 Wed 23-Nov-16 06:37:14

I too feel sorry for your mum.

Does your brother pay for his child? Have anything to do with the child?

You moved out. It's not your room. She was helping out her own grandchild and she is still trying to maintain some sort of relationship with the mother of her grandchild.

It's not like your mum has her around the house all the time.

Your mum feels obligation to you and her grandchild. I would say she is trying her best and well done her for stepping up.

She is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

springydaffs Wed 23-Nov-16 07:23:43

erm.. I'm not really getting what posters mean about you being a 'self-entitled madam' , 'turfing this complete random her out of her home' etc.

ok, maybe not complete random but pretty much, except for the grandchild.

You were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to call the police when she assaulted you - and threatened to get the big guys to burn down your house.

Your mum sounds codependent a complete softie and has obviously built up a relationship with her self-entitled erm... grandchild's mother over the time they have lived together.

Get back up north with your friends asap. Put this down to experience. Some people have a heart for the bleeding crowd but neglect those nearest and (should be) dearest.

Joysmum Wed 23-Nov-16 07:49:35

I agree with the others looking at this from your mum's point of view.

I also think she sounds like a rescuer and a a mum wanting to step up where her own son has failed as a man and because she feels somehow responsible for his shortcomings.

You see it as a competition between you and the ex as who means the most to your mother, when in fact it's fact more complicated than that.

You also have a sense of entitlement to your mum's home despite having moved out, something I don't feel with my parent, nor my DH with his when they were still alive.

Your mother was in a difficult position when you expecting such enormous support and this has meant her having to chuck out her grandchild which can't be an easy thing to have done.

If you came across in real life as callous and entitled as you have on this thread you've pushed the buttons of a mother protecting her children although obviously there's no excuse for the reaction she gave. When you have your child, maybe you'll understand those feelings better (although of course not behave so disgustingly)

Added to all of that, you're not even going to be sticking around for your mother to have a close relationship with her new grandchild and that's got to be difficult for her too. Try having a little bit of empathy for your mother who's been placed in a difficult position because of you.

BarbarianMum Wed 23-Nov-16 07:56:02

Your poor mum. Sounds like she's trying to look out for all her grandchildren. Pity their parents sound so spoilt and entitled.

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 07:58:43

Your mum seems to be stuck in the middle. Now both her son and her daughter have made it very difficult for her to be involved with her grandchild.

Where is your DB in all this?

springydaffs Wed 23-Nov-16 08:10:08

a close relationship with her new grandchild

Not, technically, her grandchild. Just saying.

You slept on the sofa for 4 months ffs. The set-up was bizarre - taking in your brother's ex should have been only for a short period until ex found her feet/own accommodation. n years later and the ex, still there, has had another child by another man, attacks the daughter of the family, physically harming her, threatens to burn down the house.

Meanwhile, mother is smooching up to random woman son's ex and ignoring her pregnant daughter in a crisis. Also exhibiting poor boundaries re telling random woman son's ex all daughter's business.

Nightmare. Get out, I should xx

Quartz2208 Wed 23-Nov-16 08:19:31

She isn't choosing her over you she is trying to maintain a relationship with her granddaughter. From her perspective she no more wants your child or the street than she does your niece. You were can't expect her to do so, she is picking you to stay.

It's not a competition you need to accept your mum wants to maintain contact and allow her to do so.

springydaffs Wed 23-Nov-16 08:28:58

Maintaining contact is not the same as putting her up indefinitely while she she goes on to have children by other men. And encouraging her son's ex (wtf??) to be a dog in the manger, taking up the space her own pregnant daughter needs who has nowhere to go when she's in crisis.

Op's mother asked when she was thinking of moving on (years after she should have, indeed, moved on). She didn't throw her out.

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 08:34:47

Not, technically, her grandchild. Just saying.

How not, Springy? Just because OP's brother has ended the relationship with the woman doesn't mean that his child is no longer the OP's mum's grandchild confused

Or have a missed something in the thread?

springydaffs Wed 23-Nov-16 08:44:39

Brother's ex is not a blood relation to grandmother. Brother's ex has had a child by another man, not brother/son. Therefore child no blood relation at all to grandmother.

yy people love one another etc etc and no doubt op's mother, big-hearted rescuer, boundariless as she is, will very probably go on to view the new baby as her 'own', so to speak.

Meanwhile, her own daughter is going to have a baby - full-on blood relation baby - and she has nowhere to stay because dog in a manger, entitled, son's ex is taking up the space. And attacking her host's own (pregnant) daughter. And threatening to burn down her host's house.

And posters are accusing op of being 'entitled' <boggle>

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 08:47:11

From the OP:

so my mum took her in along with my niece and her other kid.

One child is the brother's, one is not.

One child is therefore a "blood relation".

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