Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He keep secrets from me. Should us partners know everything?

(50 Posts)
Bear2310 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:29:13

I have been with my bf for almost 4 years, I'd like to say I know Chris very well! However I found out the other day that he has a memory box and refuses to tell me what kind of things are in there?! It's really bothering me. I feel like I should know as he knows everything about me!? Why is it such a big deal for him why can't I add to it...are exes in there am I in there? It's hidden away in the garage and I can't get to it.... I don't know what to feel right now but it bothers me! If I had a memory box I would should him

TheNaze73 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:30:57

To answer your question, no.

It's his & we all have a right for our own space, time, thoughts & memories.

celtiethree Tue 22-Nov-16 00:39:27

Does he really know everything about you? Unless he is you that is impossible. This isn't a secret, it's something personal to him, you don't need to know what's in it. If you add to it it is no longer his but shared.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 22-Nov-16 00:43:43

I'm kind of in two minds - part of me thinks he's entitled to his privacy and prt of my thinks no one will believe you if you end up on the news telling not the journalist you had no idea your serial killer boyfriend kept a box of 'trophies' hidden in the garage....

Why do you say you can't get to it? Do you live together? If so it's a bit weird you can't go in your own garage...?

In all seriousness he's entitled to privacy and you're entitled to feel however you want to about that. So you need to decide if you can live with him having a secret box and then either leave him and his box alone or end the relationship.

pringlecat Tue 22-Nov-16 00:47:13

I can't see how keeping a memory box is any different to keeping a written diary, and you wouldn't go reading someone else's diary.

He should involve you in the big decisions, he shouldn't lie to you - but he's also entitled to his own privacy and personal space.

Maybe there's something in there re a dead relative you never ever met. I think it would be wrong of you to push.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 22-Nov-16 00:51:47

I agree with Pringle. I really can see the other side though of a woman posting on here about her husband having an affair and keeping all the receipts for meals and presents and his secret phone in a memory box and the chorus of 'why have you never looked in there before' 'he's had a secret box in the garage where you can't go and in ten years you didn't think to check it out?' Etc etc

I do understand the OP's issue and how difficult it must be but privacy is so important to everyone and extra important to some people due to various things so you can't force him to 'share' the box with you.

HandbagCrazy Tue 22-Nov-16 00:56:09

I think it depends on how he reacted when you discussed it.
If he was annoyed / angry that you wanted to see, I would be suspicious but if he just seemed a bit distant / embarrassed I would leave it alone.

I have a memory box - DH knows it's there and knows I've kept things from out holidays etc but he's never looked in there. He also knows I have things from my ex in there too.

I think having some space is fine and healthy. If DH asked to look at the memory box of mine, I would let him but I wouldn't like it. The stuff from my ex is innocent enough (a letter, a card, a personalised present and some holiday photos) but I would feel uncomfortable with DH looking through them.

notangelinajolie Tue 22-Nov-16 00:58:19

No there shouldn't be any secrets.

Hellmouth Tue 22-Nov-16 00:59:02

It's not secrets, it's a memory box. I think it's a bit silly to expect to know every tiny little thing about your OH. I don't think I know everything about my DP, and I know he doesn't know everything about me. But he knows the big stuff, and that's what's important.

FastWindow Tue 22-Nov-16 01:01:00

If i had such a thing, my dh would be welcome to see. I find it weird he has a box, and hes told you it exists, but you mustn't see what's in it.

Run away?

Cricrichan Tue 22-Nov-16 08:05:09

That's not a secret, it's a memory box. It's private and should be up to him whether he wants to let you see it.

People don't have to tell everything to their spouses.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 22-Nov-16 08:09:39

Sorry but no.

It isn't a secret it is a memory box.

My DH has something similar. I do know roughly what's in it, but I would never want to see it.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy.

Bluntness100 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:16:26

No, if he's not ready to share then it's reasonable for him to keep it private.

KateInKorea Tue 22-Nov-16 09:05:09

Do you know the police phrase "anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence against you". That's what you are at.

That's how he feels, I've been there. The only reason you could want to know is so that you can (a) ask more questions and poke and pry. (B) make him justify himself to you.
From my point of view you can get ducked... and I have nothing to hide. But really ...how dare you.

DoubleCarrick Tue 22-Nov-16 09:09:17

I think there's a difference between secrecy and privacy. For example, I'd be really upset if dh went through my phone or read my notebook. There's nothing secret in there but they my writing is personal to me and not for anyone else

roarityroar Tue 22-Nov-16 09:15:41

I think YABVU. You don't need to know this and privacy is important.

Chops2016 Tue 22-Nov-16 09:19:45

So he knows everything about you? Does he know you have posted on MN about wanting to know what's in his private memory box? I'm guessing not.

If it was a secret he wouldn't have told you the box existed.

You have no right to rummage through something private and so sensitive to him, and quite frankly you are being quite overbearing by wanting to, even though he has told you he'd rather you didn't.

Its highly likely that the things in that box are very sensitive to him. Perhaps photos of deceased beloved family members or pets. Objects from his childhood that hold emotional meaning to him. Maybe these memories are painful or uncomfortable for him to discuss and you shouldn't be trying to force him to explain. Have some respect for his feelings.

YABU.

HotCheesePiece Tue 22-Nov-16 09:20:11

No, partners shouldn't know everything. Everyone is allowed to have privacy- thoughts that they don't share, memories from the past that don't need to be brought into the present, private fears, hopes and moments of joy. Not everything needs to be opened up and picked apart by another person just because you are in a relationship with them.

DP and I are very open with each other, he asks me what I'm thinking and i tell him, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have a memory box that I'd be fine with him looking through if he wanted to. He is more guarded with his thoughts and feelings- doesn't keep secrets but doesn't open up to me in the same way I do with him and i respect that. I don't push his boundaries or want to go through his belongings, it wouldn't be fair to force him into sharing with me things he would rather keep to himself.

You're being unfair and you'll push your partner away if you make a bif deal of this.

Somerville Tue 22-Nov-16 09:20:24

Honesty, openness and communication are so key in a relationship that I think the mutual approach to privacy/secrets has got to broadly match up in order for a relationship to thrive.

I'd be intrigued by a memory box as it implies that it contains objects so significant that they evoke powerful memories. I'd wonder what those memories are and if they were so significant that a palpable reminder is required, why he didn't want to share them with me. I wouldn't be annoyed or upset by him having it, but I would be by there being something significant he didn't want to share. It might make me rethink the relationship a bit to be honest, because in ours openness is really important and the agreed things we don't discuss (e.g. sexual history) would be absolutely horrible to have reminders of in a memory box.

usual Tue 22-Nov-16 09:20:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DashboardLightParadise Tue 22-Nov-16 09:21:58

I have a memory box which dp has never seen. Not I'm keeping secrets if they really wanted to see it I wouldn't mind but they've never asked. Most of the stuff would probably be boring to someone else but it means something to me. Little trinkets from my childhood or a book of badly written poems I wrote when I was a teenager.

Everyone deserves a bit of privacy and a little space they can call their own no quesions asked.

LesisMiserable Tue 22-Nov-16 17:00:27

I think it should be private. Weird that you know about it at all though - did he tell you or did you find it?

WamBamThankYouMaam Tue 22-Nov-16 21:14:22

I think it's unhealthy to have nothing of your own.

Questionsaboutthings Tue 22-Nov-16 21:20:29

Definitely don't think partners should know everything or that there's anything odd about having a memory box. Some things are just personal, that's his choice, it's a perfectly valid one,

Questionsaboutthings Tue 22-Nov-16 21:23:02

Sorry posted without meaning to. That just about sums it up though! I agree some people want to share everything and expect the same but I'm not sure that's healthy. Certainly not something you force/ badger about. If you're very different in your approach to privacy I could see how it might bother you I suppose but I think it's just a case of getting over that really.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now