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Can I ask for your perspective regarding dp and works do.

(60 Posts)
Thelastfeed12 Mon 21-Nov-16 23:57:49

Dp started his own buisness a couple of years ago. It's supposed to 'ours' but it's his. I gave up work to look after the kids so he could focus on it.

It's growing well now and he has a several staff and due to start work there in the new year when kids are finally in school.

Things have been tough as im never out of the house or have a break while he is never in it - due to work. But TBH he tells lies sometimes so I can never be 100% certain he is where he says he is.

The staff Xmas do popped up a month or so back and he mentioned where it was. Its an event night, one ive always wanted to go and actually asked dp if he fancied it, not just your average meal out and drinks (which I've always been invited to) it's costing the best part of £900.

Apparently though partners are not invited. Which is a bit strange as I'm ever the only Partner that goes. So basically it's just 'me' that can't go. I was really gutted when told, told him I was. Apparently there is another works do that i can go on for employees boyfriends and girlfriends, That's a meal in a cheap restaurant. One of the reasons was the buisness couldn't afford it if every one took their partners. (Who of which have never come before)

Today dp took one of his family members to work as he doing some work experience for three days (possibiliy more) and they came here for dinner afterwards. It came up, by accident, that he was now going to the big Xmas do now too - as apparently he 'worked' there now.

And I've just lost my shit.

Dp is saying I'm pathetic and it's just a works do and now he won't go. Which is bullshit.

But I feel it's just another example of him taking the piss and not appreciating me. We had words over the weekend about him not helping with the kids when they are up all night and the tiredness was making me ill.

I gone right overboard and said I've had enough and I want him to move out. He said 'fine - I'll go and I don't come back and it will be all YOUR fault'

It's sounds petty that I'm so upset over this I know But it just feels like a slap in the face and a clear indication where I am in his life and the fact he knew I really wanted to go somewhere and said no to me yet was still inviting others

He has lots of time to himself, he has been abroad twice this year on his own.

What do you think ? sad

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:01:45

Anybody ?

pringlecat Tue 22-Nov-16 00:05:23

But was he inviting others who had become employees, or was he inviting plus ones of the employees?

Is there any reason why he wouldn't want you at the works do? You haven't previously made a scene at one?

HandbagCrazy Tue 22-Nov-16 00:06:16

He's being an arse, and a bloody selfish one at that.

You've given up a career to support him in growing the business, you'll be working in it from January and yet he doesn't want you at the posh works do? I can't see any reason for that at all! You're not the partner of a member of staff, you're co-owner and new employee.

I don't blame you for losing your shit. Between this and his lying ( which I'm assuming is his way of spending more time out of the house) he doesn't sound much of a catch.

Is there a chance that he wants out and is being a bastard to make you throw him out, so then he can do a 'poor me' act?

Tartyflette Tue 22-Nov-16 00:06:22

Well, if you're going to start working again there in the New Year I'd say it would be an excellent opportunity to meet your co-workers.

And I've been on works parties etc before where partners do not generally come -- but an exception has been made for the boss's DP.

He IS the boss, right? He could bring you if he chose to, it's his decision. Just as he decided to take his family member. Work experience youngsters do not generally return to the workplace for a party etc after the work placement has ended. You should perhaps ask him why he doesn't want you there.

thenightsky Tue 22-Nov-16 00:07:01

So it's meant to be both your business, so as a partner of course you should go.

kilmuir Tue 22-Nov-16 00:07:42

There is more to this than the invite to the works do

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:09:55

Hi pringle,

The person he has invited is there doing work experience.

I've not done anything that could have caused a scene.

hoddtastic Tue 22-Nov-16 00:15:16

i would be very suss about this you know. If he doesn't welcome you with open arms in the new year i'd be wondering what else he had up his sleeve.

and i am not a conspiracist.

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:15:40

handbag I was actually accused of wanting him out for the past year and I was hmm wtf?

My name isn't anything it was just always spoke of as 'our buisness' , 'when we get it going' but now it's 'my buisness'.

Yes he owns it. Apparently it was one of his managers ideas to have an employee only for this so I was hmm as I'm only the partner that ever goes.

So now I'm relegated to random boyfriend and girlfriends that that no one has ever met for the second one

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:16:51

hod oh I've had fight for this space there. He through that in as we were arguing, "see this is why I don't want you st the office'

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:17:34

tarty I've met them all numerous times

Cricrichan Tue 22-Nov-16 00:23:26

He's being totally unreasonable. You're the boss' wife and you'll be working there very soon. It's weird he doesn't want you there.

SleightOfMind Tue 22-Nov-16 00:23:38

You're not his plus one, you're the co-owner of the business ffs!

He's being a selfish arse and doing that rage inducing thing of writing you off as pathetic and hysterical when you get justifiably upset.

Life can be so tough when the DC are small and you're both living such different lives. If you think this is just a question of him taking you (badly) for granted then you're going to need cold clear anger and rational points to get him to see sense.

I'm not one for seeing an OW round every corner but your OP seemed to hint you felt there was more to this than him just being selfish & thoughtless. What does your gut say?

TheNaze73 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:33:06

I wouldn't want my partner at a work Christmas do.

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:34:24

My gut says he would have a better time if I wasn't there.

Last time we all went for a meal I come home and they all stayed out for a drink and a few of them went back to one of the younger girls houses (parents) I told him that was inappropriate and sleazy and he is their boss.

I don't trust him 100% as when went through a rough patch where he accused me of trying to get rid of him again - when I wasn't - I called his bluff about messaging a particular woman which he admitted to as just friends but when I looked at his phone every message was deleted.

Thelastfeed12 Tue 22-Nov-16 00:35:27

He actually left for two weeks at that time.

hoddtastic Tue 22-Nov-16 00:40:40

It was inappropriate for him to go back to some young woman's house. I'd be checking stuff- sorry sad

pringlecat Tue 22-Nov-16 00:44:40

You suggest that you haven't jointly run the business with him in a long time? Yes, the business is also yours because you're married, but if you haven't been involved to the extent that it warrants an invite in your own right rather than as a plus one, and he hasn't invited any other plus ones...?

Treating the work experience person as any other employee is a nice gesture.

It doesn't sound like he's in the wrong for not inviting you to this event, but it sounds like he's done other things that have upset you and/or given you reason not to trust him, and this Christmas do is a bit of a red herring.

I get the sense that you think he gets more adult time without the kids than you, and that perhaps he's up to no good during that time. Would that be fair? If so, I understand why you're pissed off, but it's a separate (bigger) issue.

Tartyflette Tue 22-Nov-16 00:47:27

You're involved with the business; you're going to be working there very soon, you're not some random girlfriend/boyfriend and you know the staff well - it almost looks odd if you're NOT going to be present at the party.
The woman he was texting -- does she work in the business?
And was he among the ones who went back to the younger girl's house after the meal? ( parents' house )

FluffyBunnyWithBaseballBat Tue 22-Nov-16 00:53:08

I completely get why you are pissed off, and I think it woudl be perfectly credible as joint owner of the business to be able to attend.

I can also see that having you there might change the dynamics. All these people share 40 odd hours a week of time and banter, even the work experience person is part of that. May be DH will feel more guarded if you are there?

Personally I would let it go but have him take you somewhere equally as nice (or even the same place before hand?). If you will be working there next year anyway, you will soon be part of it and there will be no excuses next year.

MagicChanges Tue 22-Nov-16 00:53:54

Sorry OP but I'm confused by your post. Doesn't take much to confuse me! OK so the staff christmas do is an event night that's costing £900??? per person - are there diamonds in the crackers. It was somewhere you wanted to go and had mentioned this to DH in the past - yes?

Then I'm confused because you say "partners aren't invited" but you're the only partner that goes, so you're the only one who can't go....................??? Do you mean you're invited to the just the cheap dinner and drinks?

But as others have said DH is the boss and so could take you especially as you will be working there in January. And yes inviting the young relative doing work experience is not on. I too would be mad. It sounds like there are some problems in the marriage and this has tipped you over. Sorry just seen your other posts - understand he can't be trusted. He sounds very selfish and immature and possibly a womaniser. Sorry. Men are so crap for so much of the time.

Want2bSupermum Tue 22-Nov-16 01:02:30

Are you on the paperwork as a business owner? You should be listed as a director if you google yourself if you are not sure.

If you are not on the paperwork as being a business owner then you have much bigger problems than this dinner. He is talking about this business being his now and you guys are not married.

You are not invited to an event you should be going to which tells me that he doesn't see you as an owner or an employee. You gave up work for him to focus on this so he needs to formalize the commitment you have made to 'his' business by making his share 50% yours. He can do it via marriage or via transfer of ownership.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It doesn't sound good to me at all.

RonaldMcDonald Tue 22-Nov-16 01:05:35

Explain calmly that you are going
You run the home side of the business and will be there as the other business partner
No further discussion except to tell him how disappointed and under appreciated you have felt by the omission

Bluntness100 Tue 22-Nov-16 01:17:24

Ok , let's cut to the chase.

You say you've been out of the business to raise the kids..,for how many years? Because if it's more than a couple and he's told everyone. On partner, then yes, he has a point he shouldn't then bring his own partner. If it's much less then it's different,

Secondly, and here is the chase, do uou feel he is excluding you for a reason? As in another woman kind of reason?

Thirdly, your statement ." Last time we all went for a meal I come home and they all stayed out for a drink and a few of them went back to one of the younger girls houses (parents) " what does this mean please? He went to someone's house who was so young she lived with her parents? Why is this sleazy if her parents were there? Or do you mean she was a parent, again, why is this sleazy?

Clearly something is bothering uou behind this,,,,,more than just the event itself?

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