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Friend having an affair

(5 Posts)
gretagoodhouse Mon 21-Nov-16 12:35:26

One of my oldest, best friends has asked to meet up tonight because she is desperate for someone to talk to.

I know what it's about. She has recently started an affair. TBH it started as an emotional affair months ago and now the inevitable has happened. I'm guessing this is the case, because I had an email from her last week asking me to text her about a pretend night out.

She has been in a very rocky marriage for years and really unhappy. A few years ago, when her husband got violent, I told her she needed to leave. She didn't want to for the sake of her children. As far as I know, it hasn't got violent again, but they both make each other very miserable.

I have no love lost for her husband but I don't think she is doing the right thing at all. Also, I know if she gets found out, things are going to be so much more difficult for her then if she just did what she's needed to do for a long time and tell him to leave.

She's worried he's going to be able to take half of the equity from the house, which is all from the equity of a house she bought before they got married.

What would you say to her? I am pretty much the only person she can talk to on this, I want to support her, but I don't like what she is doing. And also, I have no idea if her fears are founded.

Leopard12 Mon 21-Nov-16 12:47:19

If he's been contributing to the house then he may be entitled to some however it would also depend on who gets custody of the kids if they're still at home, she needs to speak to CAB or a divorce lawyer to get specific advice if she wants to leave him

AuntieStella Mon 21-Nov-16 12:50:30

Before you see her, you need to decide if you are prepared to be used as "cover" for meetings with her OM, or if you are going g to tell her that you will not do this and she is not to ask again.

Also, how far would you go in lying (either by omission or commission) and again tell her where your boundaries are.

Other than that, listen.

Only of she asks, tell her the reasons why you think it is wrong. If she just wants to bang on about how wonderful OM is, and you find it jarring, it's OK to tell her that as you don't really approve, you don't want to hear it.

And suggest she sees a lawyer for initial advice on likeliest scenarios for a financial settlement and arrangements for any DC. It would help if she had some idea of all marital assets (house, pensions, savings, other major assets and debts) before she does this.

Sn0tnose Mon 21-Nov-16 15:16:42

I was placed in a similar position a few years ago.

I told my friend that I loved her very much and that I wanted her to be happy, so I would give her all the support she wanted/needed to leave her marriage, both practical and emotional. But, however much I couldn't stand her husband, I couldn't condone what she was doing and I wouldn't lie for her so she could spend time with the OM. Luckily, she understood, our friendship survived and it gave her the push she needed to leave her very unhappy marriage.

SandyY2K Mon 21-Nov-16 15:32:10

She should seek legal advice. If she bought the house before she met him and it's in her name, then he may be entiltled to a share, but not half.

Affairs just add another layer of stress.

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