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When a father has a high expectation of his son

(8 Posts)
FluffyBunnyWithBaseballBat Mon 21-Nov-16 11:27:25

Ds is 11. It seems (to both DS and I) that DS does not live up to his expectations. DH just can't seem to understand why DS is not like him when he was that age - a bit of a high achiever, very sporty, highly confident.
DS is lovely: he's polite, kind, very quiet outside home, never in trouble, very good at a couple of sports but does not excel,.
DH just seems openly disappointed in him as if being quiet and not being (or wanting to be) a county champion somehow make DS a lesser being. He criticizes him for spending too much time on his Xbox and chosing to make things rather than go in the garden and kick the ball about. Today DS asked my why DH is not proud of him and he feels he doesn't really love him.
Of course I will talk to DH about this but how can I get through to him?

Offred Mon 21-Nov-16 11:47:35

If repeating verbatim what your child said isn't enough I think he is a lost cause TBH.

Happybunny19 Mon 21-Nov-16 11:56:51

Wow your husband sounds bloody awful. How can you possibly feel like this about your child? I don't expect my dcs to be carbon copies of either of us and am happy they're not. My ds is really loud and confident, unlike either me or dp, which delights us both. He's also not showing signs of being particularly academic, but has his own strengths we celebrate.

As far as how you raise this with your dh, surely simply quoting your ds directly is enough to give him the wake up call he needs. If he continues to treat a sensitive boy like this he will retreat further and is unlikely to develop into the confident adult he wants.

Your ds is fast becoming an adolescent and will naturally withdraw from you both to a degree. If he feels such a disappointment to his father your dh needs to reach out, accept and enjoy who his son is before it's too late. Good luck.

Trifleorbust Mon 21-Nov-16 12:18:05

I think the first thing is to tell him what your DS said. He is probably just ambitious for his son and going over the top. Make sure you reassure your son - of course his father loves him etc.

AmberEars Mon 21-Nov-16 12:21:32

I too am hoping that repeating your son's words will be a wake up call to your DH. Do you think it will come as a shock to him?

DoItTooJulia Mon 21-Nov-16 12:23:07

What was your dhs childhood like?

PickAChew Mon 21-Nov-16 12:25:51

sounds like your DS has a few qualities which your DH never excelled at, like kindness and creativity.

Fortnum Mon 21-Nov-16 13:20:27

Is he trying to project his own failures on his son ? Maybe subconsciously ?

Kids surprise us and it would be unreasonable to expect they will be clones of ourselves as we were at their age. He needs to accept him as an individual especially at age 11 !

My lad is very different to how i was when i was his age, this excites me about his future to be honest !

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