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Does Counselling actually work,

(13 Posts)
daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 07:49:54

My DH and I have had a terrible year, after a series of events involving very controlling behaviour involving not liking me go out or be late home, not having any interest in DC and biting behaviour with DSD and excessive drinking he was finally diagnosed with depression about 6 weeks ago.

To be honest the changes have been minimal and although he's slightly brighter in himself he's still struggling with allowing me to be my own person and I've had enough.
Had quite a wonderful experience through my work last week and there was no support at all and all and I just feel a bit dead inside.

We've booked a counselling session for this Wednesday but he has a lot of issues to resolve, how realistic is it that we can fix this? I don't want to be flogging this marriage for a lot longer by obviously want to give him a chance.
Would really appreciate anyone's experience in this as my anxiety is very high and I'm usually a very together person my DS (10) is aware something's not right.
Thanks so much.

Bobochic Mon 21-Nov-16 07:52:45

One session of counseling will not shed light on all your issues.

Are you looking for permission to leave your marriage?

daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 07:59:47

To be honest I really don't know, I appreciate it will take longer than one just the thought of months more than like this is going to be very hard going....we've been together for 15 years so I wouldn't walk away without making some sort of effort it's just how much?

adornorising Mon 21-Nov-16 08:04:23

I can't tell from your post if the problems stem from his depression or were there before and just got worse, or weren't there.

If it's "just" his depression then what's he doing about it after diagnosis? Is he having personal counselling or on anti-depressants?

If it was there before then same as pp.

daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 08:15:34

I don't think we know - it's been a slippery slope and I've realised that I've spent a lot of my time keeping him 'happy' but actually not been looking out for myself, he's detached himself from all his friendships and relies on me from the moment he's home to be his company.
He's been out on anti-depressants but we're still having issues I appreciate they're early days but I'd hope for some behaviour changes?
He was drinking 6 cans of Stella a night but had cut that right back to weekends (although still drinking 6 Fri/Sat/sun) but he went back to it last week.
I'm just lost.....

ErnieAndBernie Mon 21-Nov-16 08:49:34

I found I was able to say things in counselling that I couldn't at home as I find H very difficult to talk to. Plus there being a 3rd person there helped me to know what I was saying was valid. I would suggest if you can afford it you may find benefit in counselling on your own. I would be a little bit wary of his EA behaviour in a counselling environment. Although if it is just because of the depression that sheds a different light on it.
At the end of the day it hasn't saved my marriage but it helped us to talk, realise what was wrong and ultimately agree to separate in the very near future. My stbxh can also be controlling and I have to say I learnt more about him during those sessions that I had in 18 years with him. I still don't understand the root cause of his control issues though. I suspect one day he may need a whole lot of personal counselling.

ErnieAndBernie Mon 21-Nov-16 08:51:02

I think what I am trying to say is don't expect it to save your marriage but hope that it can help you to come to a conclusion on what you want to do for the best. I hope you find a good counsellor.

daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 09:16:52

Thanks Ernie that's really helpful advice - we've booked a session for Wed eve I've done quite a lot of research so hopefully she'll be good. I'll maybe book a session privately, I certainly know he'll need one! How long did you go for? Money's ok thankfully well for the short term anyway.....

daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 09:18:21

He's been controlling for quite some years now since DS was born I think but before that not at all so maybe it's parenting that's done it sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 21-Nov-16 09:29:05

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you at all?.

What sort of counsellor are you planning on seeing?.

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. If counselling is done I would go on your own and certainly without he being present.

Alcohol and anti depressants are a bad mix; also alcohol acts as a depressant.

ErnieAndBernie Mon 21-Nov-16 11:09:23

daisymai08 we started seeing him at the beginning of the summer but have had a 2 month break recently as h's job was super stressful and busy and he wouldn't have been able to juggle to two successfully.
I also had a course of about 15 sessions on my own with a life coach who had specialised in relationships like mine at the same time which really helped me work through the joint counselling sessions. She really gave me strength in terms of working out what was important to me in my life and how I could come out of myself a bit.

daisymai08 Mon 21-Nov-16 12:22:51

That's reassuring thanks for your help...

EasyToEatTiger Mon 21-Nov-16 14:02:34

I've had couples councelling with my husband for years and years. What a waste of time and money. It has only really over the past year risen through the sludge that nothing can make our relationship better because he thinks I'm a cunt, hates all my friends and family and wishes me dead. All denied of course. Sorry for rant. I hope this is not the case for you. Other people have pointed out that mental illness does not itself make people abusive. Depression is a stonker and not easy for anyone to endure. It is really important that your husband takes responsibility for his treatment and makes sure no-one gets hurt.

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