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Had my partner arrested, what now?

(9 Posts)
Clabetta Mon 21-Nov-16 03:11:34

Hi everyone, been a lurker for a while but never posted before.
Not sure where to start so apologies if this is long.
Been with my partner for 9 years and we have a 2 year old together. As the title says, I had him arrested a few hours ago after he threatened to slit my throat. The background is that he has always been a heavy drinker and it's been getting steadily worse. The first incident was a couple of years ago, he was drunk, we had an argument which ended with him grabbing me by the neck and punching me in the arm. I called the police but decided not to press charges the following day. SS got involved and we were put under a CIN plan. The drinking got better after that, i thought it was a wake up call. Over the last year, it started getting worse again, he would get drunk, come home, start calling me names and being aggressive, I have been thinking of leaving for a few months now. I went to visit his mom on Saturday and she brought up the drinking, she knows how he gets and told me she would understand if i left him and that they would support me. I think it was a wake up call for me, knowing that I could speak to someone (my family is in another country and have no idea of what is happening). The police have now taken him away and I have given a statement. It was actually the same PC i spoke to the last time. I've seen how supportive you have been on similar threads but I guess I just want to know what to go next... I've kept it to myself in the past; do I tell people so it makes it harder for me to backtrack? Do I tell his mom? We also have a lot of debt in my name and he's already told me not to expect a penny from him so I'm worried I won't be able to support me and my son financially. Appreciate all the help I can get!

YouCanDoThis Mon 21-Nov-16 03:26:00

You have done really well taking this first step. There will be other people along in the morning but I think contacting women's aid would be a good start. Do realise that as supportive as his mum might seem, she may appear to side with him now you are separated. Do hold onto the fact that this behaviour is so far from the norm, or the relationship you deserve, even if at times it doesn't feel it. With hindsight and reflection you may realise that you have been accepting things for various reasons that you cannot yet understand. Therapy is not a weakness.
Take care. Be kind to yourself. cake

goddessofsmallthings Mon 21-Nov-16 05:30:25

Is the CIN plan still in place?

In any event, if your dc was in the house at the time your partner made the threat SS will be notified as a matter of course.

Are you married? If not, are you living in a property that is solely in his name? If it transpires that you have no right to remain in your current home, I would strongly urge you to ask Women's Aid to provide a refuge placement for you and your dc where you will receive the support you need to break free of this untenable relationship, to sort out your debt issues, and to apply for social housing.

As it's not the first time he's come to the attention of the police for dv, I would hope that he's given conditional police bail which prohibits him from making contact or coming near your. He may be bailed to live with his dm, if she'll have him, pending further enquiries or he may accept a caution in which case you'll need a non-molestation order to keep him away from you/your address.

As the Women's Aid national helpline tends to be oversubscribed on Monday mornings, find your nearest branch here and make contact asap

However, I would hope that the police will allocate a dv worker to your case and that they will be in contact with you later today.

If you don't hear from the police by, say, mid-morning I suggest you give them a call to find out whether your, hopefully now ex. partner has been released and on what basis.

Failing to press charges on the previous occasion was not in your best interests and it's to be hoped you won't make that mistake again as your dc deserves considerably more than being raised in a toxic environment.

Good luck - I'll look out for your update later today.

Clabetta Mon 21-Nov-16 06:48:17

Thank you Youcandothis.
Goddess*, the CIN plan is no longer in place. Not married but we rent from a HA under a joint tenancy and his keys are still here.

The police will be referring me to a dv worker and told me to expect a call from them. They've also told me that they would call me today and make sure I answer the phone but might not be until the afternoon if he hasn't sobered up.

I'm going to work and will be speaking to my manager. And possibly work from home for the rest of the day.

What do I do with his things though? If he is released, he'll need some clothes and phone?

LIZS Mon 21-Nov-16 07:07:58

Can you take a bag of his stuff to the police station, or get his mum to. He should be given conditions not to contact you or come to the house. If you have children together he will have to pay towards them , through cms. They are better off without living under threat of violence. Ask the dv officer for help regarding the ha etc, they may have to refer you to a support organisation

Clabetta Mon 21-Nov-16 08:32:56

Didn't think about that LIZS. It's good idea, his mum doesn't know yet but I'll ask the police later if I can drop stuff off for him.

Clabetta Mon 21-Nov-16 16:12:21

So quick update.
He has been charged with common assault, he won't be seen by the court until tomorrow now and what happens next depends on how he pleads. He claims to not remember and is apparently quite angry and blaming everyone else. If he pleads not guilty the case will be escalated to the magistrates and if he pleads guilty, he'll probably be bailed but in both cases, he won't be allowed to contact me or come to the house.
I also spoke to my sister and she'll be explaining the situation to my parents, they're on holiday and she'll be able to get the words out more easily than me.
I'm feeling really conflicted at the moment, I know I'm doing the right thing but i switch from being relieved to being absolutely devastated!

Naicehamshop Mon 21-Nov-16 16:18:55

You have done so, so well op - you should be proud of yourself!

hellsbellsmelons Mon 21-Nov-16 16:31:22

Well done for reporting and getting him out.
Where is your sister?
In this country?
Would you consider moving to where your mum and dad live for some support (if they are supportive)
Unfortunately, as the debts are in your name you will have to pay them.
You can talk to companies who can help consolidate them and put a payment plan together for you that is affordable.
Does he work?
I see your work, do you earn a decent wage?
If not then you could have a chat with CAB and try to get and understanding of what you are entitled to.
Don't forget also, that if he does work then he will need to pay maintenance for his child.

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