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I am the OW and I hate it

(98 Posts)
Whathappensnowthen Sun 20-Nov-16 23:42:48

I am stuck in a loveless marriage with several young children. For various reasons I have been unable to leave (finances mainly). I have recently fallen into a relationship of sorts with a man I have known for about 6 months. He's a "nice" chap, but clearly ok with cheating on his wife. However, he maintains that he loves her, would never leave her etc. We are in contact frequently each day via text and meet up for trysts when we can. He is pretty emotionless towards me, however. As in, I can say how much I'm looking forward to seeing him and he will reply with a comment about the weather. I suppose in my head I always imagined an affair to be some great romance, but it really isn't. I felt unwanted and unloved in my marriage and now I feel the same with the OM. The only difference being, when it suits him and when he wants me, he is lovely to me and makes me feel special and this seems to make up for all the heartache. Clearly it doesn't. It's a bloody awful situation, I feel like shit in so many ways and have already tried to break it off with him once, but needless to say he won me round. My brain can't even countenance what this would do to his poor wife (or my useless husband for that matter) as I'm just so wrapped up in my own misery that I can't think much beyond that at present. Which is why I'm posting, I guess. I need a kick up the backside, or something to shake me to my senses. I'm so miserable but have no-one to turn to irl.

Lucyneedssleep Sun 20-Nov-16 23:45:57

How can you say he seems a "nice" chap but clearly ok with cheating, when your doing exactly the same to your DH and several young children.....

PurpleDaisies Sun 20-Nov-16 23:49:32

You aren't just the other woman-you're a cheater in your own marriage. How did you miss that? That's even worse than being the other woman. You disnt make vows to this man's wife.

stinkyfeet2016 Sun 20-Nov-16 23:51:30

Think of all the children's lives you're set to ruin?

Lorelei76 Sun 20-Nov-16 23:52:40

Sounds like two people unhappy with their lives and looking for escape, sometimes it's in a bottle, you two have gone for cheating.

Forget the other bloke, look at your life and what to do for the best now. Slightly alarmed by the mention of several children, goodness knows how many that is. is that the money issue - can't afford two places etc?

nicenewdusters Sun 20-Nov-16 23:53:45

Things in your life are not as you would wish. Having a cold, sordid affair with a not very nice married man will only make things worse. Being honest about not wanting to leave his wife doesn't make him honest, or nice. You're using each other, but you're already in a vulnerable position so have more to lose.

You know what you need to do. Don't be that person.

GrabbyGrabby Sun 20-Nov-16 23:53:51

That's really spineless and dishonest behaviour. Not sure what you want from the thread surely you already know what your choices are.

AddToBasket Mon 21-Nov-16 00:00:59

Aw, OP, you have got to get some self-esteem fast. (And I can pretty much guarantee this thread won't help).

What you've described in your affair sounds miserable. You'll need to stop being so easily won over - like you say, OM just does it when he feels like it.

Do you want your marriage to work?

Whathappensnowthen Mon 21-Nov-16 00:09:12

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He is also very controlling and prevented me from returning to work for several years. Everything that has gone wrong in our marriage is my fault apparently. I am now in a well-paid job but we are sinking in debt and cannot afford to run two households. If it were just me I would have left long ago and moves back with my parents,but I have too many children for us to all be able to stay with them. I have no self esteem. That was the first thing my husband ensured I disposed of.

CoolCarrie Mon 21-Nov-16 00:12:49

This man is using you and lessening your self esteem even more. You are worth more that the titbits of niceness he gives when he feels like it.

AddToBasket Mon 21-Nov-16 00:14:36

You need counselling on your own - just some support. Al-anon, GP? Anything to stop you getting your validation from these crap men.

You're being unfaithful, and that's feeding into the cycle. Do you have a good friend who is far enough away from your relationships to be able to help you with some perspective?

SandyY2K Mon 21-Nov-16 00:16:55

You are being used as a side piece and you want your emotional needs met by the OM, but he's not so into you to be bothered with that.

An affair will only add to your problems in the marriage. Maybe your husband feels the same as you. Why not talk about it and look at when you'll be in a position to seperate.

Or if you're both miserable, you can agree to live under the same roof, but not be together. That way you and he can see others without sneaking around.

A crap affair is worse than a crap marriage. It really makes it clear that you are purely there to add to the sexual variety. OM usually treat you well, but with you being a MOW (married OW),.he doesn't have to impress you,.because you're not really available and you don't hold the cards.

The whole affair seems pointless TBH.

SandyY2K Mon 21-Nov-16 00:19:06

Why did you continue having children with your husband? Doesn't sound like he's ever been husband of the year.

Have you considered what he'll do if he catches you in the affair?

MistressDeeCee Mon 21-Nov-16 00:19:33

You're sinking in debt within a marriage so thats not going to help you or your children anyway is it? You weren't born with this man you won't die without him so don't make excuses. Stop running around with a married man, and sort out your life and those of your children. You have a priorities problem and you sound very me me me - down to disparaging your lover as a man prepared to cheat on his wife, as if you're not a cheat yourself!. Where are your children whilst you're off for your trysts? With their functioning alcoholic dad?!

That isn't to say you don't have low self esteem - I get that you must have. But I've never found that to cancel out selfishness actually. Make a decision give yourself AND your children a better life. You could go to CAB see what your options would be if you leave. You're in a loveless marriage, your DH is an alcoholic you're drowning in debt and now you're having an affir. Im struggling to see how that is maintaining any sort of stability for your children. Go and get help and advice to get your head in the right space

indigox Mon 21-Nov-16 00:22:13

You don't need to afford to run two houses, you just need to afford the one for you and your children, you're not responsible for housing your husband.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 21-Nov-16 00:23:33

Your unemotional lover has as good as told you that if his wife found out about his affair with you he'd drop you like a hot potato. How flattering is that? No wonder your self-esteem has gone through the floor.

How do you think your dh will react if he finds out you've been having leg over sessions secret trysts with another man?

Ditch the lover before he dumps you and spill the beans to your 'useless husband'. This will be the catalyst that can either revive your marriage or end it. Either way, you'll be bringing this period of purgatory to a close and can start rebuilding your self-respect.

Rubies12345 Mon 21-Nov-16 00:25:03

If you have a well paid job you can rent your own place. Or he can rent a flat himself and you stay in the family home. Even unemployed people split up and run two households.

Also stop letting this other man use you for sex.

LittlePaintBox Mon 21-Nov-16 00:53:06

Living with an alcoholic affects your self esteem and your view of reality. Are you looking for someone to 'rescue' you because you can't see any way of getting out of the marriage on your own? It's probably not going to happen, so you need to review your options and in particular you need to get some support/counselling to deal with the co-dependency issue of living with an alcoholic.

You know yourself that this OM is no good for you and is not giving you anything you need now and is not the key to a better future for you and the children.

People do manage to move out of toxic situations like the one you describe, you need to focus on getting the support you need to get your life together rather on looking for a white knight to rescue you. I can guarantee you're never going to get anything you need from the OM, in fact he is just making you feel worse. Presumably you're having sex and that's why he won't let go when you try to break up with him? Sorry to be so blunt but you need to rid yourself of any romantic ideas about this bloke.

90schild Mon 21-Nov-16 00:55:52

I have nothing to say apart from get a grip and end it with the married man before you ruin several young kids life's and your husbands.

Italiangreyhound Mon 21-Nov-16 01:13:34

Whathappensnowthen I am really sorry, your situation sounds terrible.

Please speak to women's aid and make a plan to be free of your controlling alcoholic husband and this other man who is using you for his jollies.

I do not blame you, you have been damaged by these experiences and now are kind of drifting and potentially about to damage others by your actions.

Please use this thread as a wake up call. This affair is not making you happy, it has the potential to cause massive upset to this other man's family, and to yours. And it kind of muddies the waters. Please find out how you can leave your controlling alcoholic husband. Is he abusive? Control is abusive really so anyway, it is your choice, but if you want to start a new life, away from both these men, who are controlling and using you, then please get some real life help and move on. You could choose to live near your parents but not actually with them.

By the way, you speak about your children in a very dispassionate, rather cold way. I am not being critical, just saying. It did make me wonder if you are suffering from depression. If you feel this may be the case, please do also speak to your doctor.

It is not your children's fault you had several of them and now feel trapped in your marriage. BUT it is your husband's fault that he has made your life so miserable. It is not either his nor the children's fault that you have chosen to have an affair, that is your choice. Please choose to end the affair, re-evaluate your marriage and life and make plans to move on if you feel this is right for you.

This is all IMHO, and said with care, because I feel you have had a really rough time BUT also that you can take your life back, you can be back in the driving seat of your own life, YOU CAN DO IT. thanks

MissVictoria Mon 21-Nov-16 01:19:33

What you are doing is wrong, and quite honestly you deserve to feel shit about it.
You're being selfish and not giving a damn about the feelings and lives of his wife, or any of the children, regardless if your husband "deserves" it.
Leaving is ALWAYS an option, it might not be easy, you may have to temporarily live without your children, and money will be tight, but it IS doable.
Do his poor wife a favour and leave him well alone. He'll undoubtedly find someone else, but let her be the potential affair that gets exposed and be the one who gets villified. Protect your children.

Whathappensnowthen Mon 21-Nov-16 01:28:14

Italian, my husband has made the children the noose with which he keeps control of me. I have "defied" him by getting a job, therefore I am having to pay the £1,300 monthly childcare out of my part-time salary. He refuses to contribute on the basis I should be at home with them as that is a mother's responsibility. Up until recently, my life revolved around the children 24/7, no break, no time out, no "me" time. I know I come across as selfish in this post, but for 8 years I have put everyone else first entirely at my own expense and it was literally driving me insane. It has affected my relationship with the children as I resent them for the way my life has turned out. Totally not their fault of course, but that's how I feel.

MrsSnootch Mon 21-Nov-16 01:47:11

OP I admire your honesty on this thread. I understand your affair as you are clearly very unhappy and in need of some escapism

Unfortunately hun, the escapism you have chosen is only going to lead to more heartache.

IMO this is how I see things

Your husband is an A-HOLE he needs to go
The other man is using you, he needs to go

You would be happier alone, yes you will have to do everything yourself, but you kind of are doing it all yourself right now without it being official

You are tougher than you think.

SENPARENT Mon 21-Nov-16 02:02:04

You need to dump this other man as he is doing nothing for your self esteem. Then you need to contact Women's Aid and get some advice. They will help you leave your controlling alcoholic of a husband who is doing nothing for your self esteem either.Your life can and will get better if you do this. Do it for yourself and for your children who deserve better than they are getting at the moment.
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MangoMoon Mon 21-Nov-16 02:07:29

The answer is not just staring you in the face - it's jumping around in front of you, waving its arms and yelling 'pick me!'

You need to:

1. End the affair. He's a dick. He's robbing you of any small remnant of self esteem & self respect that you still have. He's not worth your time or energy.

2. End your marriage. You'll be better on your own - it may seem like a scary leap into the abyss, but it's not, I promise.

For as long as you carry on like this, you are just fooling yourself that anything will get better.
Leave both wasters behind and move on with your children.

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