Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you tell her?

(32 Posts)
makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 20:36:40


I've name changed to ask this question. But I need help and can't get it straight in my head and I've limited time. I've changed names for everyone...

Paul and Tara are engaged. They are also due to move to a different city to where they live shortly after which I won't be able to contact her without him intercepting any messages which is why I need to decide whether to tell her and give her a chance to call it all over before it is too late.

Paul and I were friends, have been a long time. We suffered a bereavement and I was very, very vulnerable. He picked up on this and bombarded me with messages and calls.... to begin with they were mildly suggestive but as you can imagine they became overtly so.

He sent me many, many dick pics... with no encouragement. I asked him to stop but it continued. He turned up where I live and tried to kiss me. He kept telling me how he couldn't live without me.

I didn't encourage this. But I didn't block and delete as I thought that the situation would go away.

He would tell me he was outside my house, or watching me. It made me quite frightened in the end and so I finally told him to stay away from me.

I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking that he is making Tara move away from everything she knows (& uprooting her child).. to give him a fresh start but that she doesn't know what he is capable of.

I'm toying with sending an anonymous note to her (I am too afraid of his unpredictability to tell her in person). But, should I just leave it alone and presume that the grief just made him go slightly weird for a while?

for what it is worth. he has respected my wish to stop contact for the past week...prior to that I would receive 50-100 messages a day.

What should I do?

Bluebeck Sun 20-Nov-16 20:38:55

Why didn't you contact the police? Or tell her when it was going on? It sounds awful for you but I am trying to understand why you want to tell her now?

pringlecat Sun 20-Nov-16 20:40:29

I would tell her. She may well flip out at you and blame you, but from what you've said, if you do nothing, she'll vanish from your life anyway.

Basic sisterhood law applies: if you know another woman is with a crazy and she doesn't know that, you tell her. Even if it means losing your relationship with her (TBH, it doesn't sound like you have one to lose).

makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 20:43:28

honestly because it was all a tangled mess with the grief. I really thought I would be able to gently get him to stop. I am aware how stupid that sounds. i couldn't go to the police because of what it would do to people already torn apart with grief

why now? I don't know... maybe because I feel unsafe still from it all... and while he has created this he gets to live life as though nothing has changed.. maybe because I can't bear to think that he will destroy her...
maybe because I've run out of time...

none of which makes this altruistic, but it's tearing me apart. I can't think of anything else.

Threecherries Sun 20-Nov-16 20:49:36

Why do you think he's going to intercept her messages?

makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 21:00:57

He is controlling, the only way to contact her without him knowing and when she is not at work (& who would want to find this out in public) is when he goes out to work first thing in the morning...there is a small window.
he reads all her messages otherwise...

category12 Sun 20-Nov-16 21:31:01

If he's controlling like that, then she's in trouble and you would do well to let her know about women's aid and support in getting out of abusive relationships. And encourage her not to go.

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 21:34:12

I would meet her somewhere and tell her. I'd have screenshots of his messages (a hundred in a day??) and I'd have all that printed out to give to her to read if she didn't believe you.

Halloweensnake Sun 20-Nov-16 21:37:00

I think ,I bet she wouldn't belive you,if she's all loved up she's not going to listen,she might tell him and he might start on you again..can you prove it,did you tell anyone? Or keep the messages pictures that would prove it...could you still go to the police? Tell them and give them her address explain she has a child..

Myusernameismyusername Sun 20-Nov-16 21:38:42

Tell the police about the harassment and that you are concerned for your friend.

leaveittothediva Sun 20-Nov-16 21:41:00


You have to tell her. Otherwise from what you have said about him, she is making a big mistake, but also there is a child involved. You are his friend, (and this is how he treats you), but be a friend to her and give her a heads up, she's only going to be wasting her time anyway marrying him, because he will be up to this behavior the whole time. He's obviously not a trustworthy man. He has issues. She may shoot the messenger, but the ugly truth must be faced.

category12 Sun 20-Nov-16 21:41:42

If you have all the messages and pictures still, keep them and do think seriously about going to the authorities.

His controlling behaviour towards his partner demonstrates that his behaviour towards you wasn't a one-off because of the bereavement - it's how he treats women. it's how he is. Not an aberration.

Kleptronic Sun 20-Nov-16 21:43:52

You tell her the facts. The facts of how many times he contacted you, and what he sent image wise, and how many times you saw him outside your house/work/whatever.

You send her WA details.

You tell the police the same facts.

Grief doesn't give you the right to be a stalky weird twat.

Sisterhood is right; do her that favour.

KarmaNoMore Sun 20-Nov-16 21:45:22

-Do you still have the messages?
- you will loose her friendship whether she believes you or not, are you prepared for that?
-if he is controlling, are you in danger if you tell her?
- Do you know someone close to her who can pass the message

I really think that anonymous letters are a shitty thing bastardkh cowards like to use, if you won't/can't acknowledge what you say, you better bugger off and let her be.

KarmaNoMore Sun 20-Nov-16 21:46:57

Sorry, that last paragraph shouldn't be there.

makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 22:02:36

I do have the messages. I showed the photos to an 'unrelated' friend. And all the messages he sent telling me to delete his messages. But showing them would risk him knowing I was the messenger.

I just needed to hear that doing it wasn't coming from a bad place within me... I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I believe I would be in danger if he knew it was me. more so than she would. It's all so confusing like he was trying to groom me and it failed but that because I didn't get out from the word dot I was complicit . I feel like I'm insane here. it helps that none of you think his behaviour ok.

I need to tell her then. don't I?

Kleptronic Sun 20-Nov-16 22:07:56

And tell the police.

Thissameearth Sun 20-Nov-16 22:14:40

The choice is really between doing nothing and telling her personally. Sending her an anon message is not really any good as she wouldnt attach as much weight to that as to a person she knows accounting for what he has done to her.

Have a think about the reasons for and against telling her. It sounds like as he has done what he has (and therefore friendship destroyed) and as they are moving away you won't have any fallout from it but I don't know, would you feel safe? Can you discuss it with someone who knows all of you? If you wouldn't feel safe is this something you could talk over yourself with WA or police before deciding what to do?

Remember you have done nothing wrong and it is his responsibility not to be fucking awful. Him doing something horrible to you makes me feel sorry for you, it doesn't make me think you're horrible if you don't tell her he did it, whether you feel at risk or even if you would feel safe.

You say he's controlling - did you worry about her before he did this to you? Do you know anyone close to her that you could tell and see what they think? That's a long shot.

And for the absolute avoidance of doubt grief doesn't excuse this and I expect is not the reason for this behaviour, whether he was close to the person or not. did you turn into a creepy, sex pesty bastard??? I feel really angry on behalf of you (and This Tara) brew

makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 22:22:25

his past history isn't great. in fact writing this down makes me question why he was a friend. many, many years ago he hit a precious girlfriend.

I've been checking to see that he isn't about when I get out of my car and then locking the door immediately behind me. I did think I was over reacting.

I think if I tell her, they won't move. That would make him flip I think.

you are right though. I didn't become a sex pest. the bereavement was family and best friend, but the second tragedy in close succession for him.

it's heartbreaking and sad. but it wasn't ok behaviour was it.

my choice may well be. tell her or walk away and only look out for me. I'd be safe that way. but what about her?

makingtherightcall Sun 20-Nov-16 22:22:51

*previous not precious

griffinsss Sun 20-Nov-16 23:05:25

Yes I would tell her.

Puff42 Mon 21-Nov-16 00:21:53

I would do what I had to do to keep myself safe (i.e. report all of this to the police, tell mutual friends, family) and then tell her.

SandyY2K Mon 21-Nov-16 00:27:56

If you tell her, could you also say you're scared of him and she should make up another reason for not moving. Tell hetr your honestly scared of what he'd do, but you really felt she should know before moving away. Would your other friend go with you to tell her?

makingtherightcall Mon 21-Nov-16 07:41:19

I've spent the whole night having nightmares.... the nightmare was he killed himself. My mind is playing tricks on me.
last night I was resolved to tell her. today I don't think I can.

WellErrr Mon 21-Nov-16 07:43:41

You tell her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now