Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU to have told him to get out after saying this?

(18 Posts)
Janey50 Sun 20-Nov-16 18:34:29

I've NC for this. Will try not to make this too long! I've been in a relationship with a Muslim man for nearly 4 years. (I'm not a Muslim). We have had our ups and downs like most couples,including him giving up alcohol just over a year ago. The difference this has made to our relationship I cannot overstate. But.... this is not alcohol related. This morning,he was watching a sports channel,which had a women's football match on,one of the teams was Nigeria. I said that I was surprised that there was a Nigerian women's football team. He asked why. I said because many women from Muslim countries are often oppressed and not allowed to partake in sport,especially if it involves wearing revealing clothing. He said that my remark was 'bullshit',that 'many Muslim countries have women's football teams,basketball teams etc'. I merely expressed surprise at this. He was getting rather agitated by now,saying I was believing 'western propaganda about Muslim countries and Muslim women being oppressed,that it was all a load of media crap'. My response to this was 'Really? So women are treated as men's equals in all Muslim countries? Everything I see or hear in the media is wrong? He then really flew off the handle,saying that all western countries were 'toxic',that Britain and the US had a lot to answer for regarding their bombing of Muslim countries,killing innocent people. OK he has a point there. The he snarled 'I hate everything about and everyone in western countries. You are all toxic'. I was absolutely speechless for a minute. For someone who has lived here for 20 years after seeking refuge here from the civil war,made this country his home,and actually said that he 'much prefers' it to where he is from (Somalia),this strikes me as serious ingratitude,and just downright nasty. I told him if he felt like that,he had better go. He threw his clothes on and stomped out,his parting shot being 'You will never see me again. Don't phone or text me'. That was at 11.30 this morning. I have heard nothing from him. I have tried texting him but they are not being delivered,as it appears from when I tried phoning him,his phone is switched off. I am gutted at his behaviour. 3 years and 10 months we have been together and he has never said anything like this before. Was I out of order in what I said,and in telling him to leave? As I said in my text to him,if he thinks all things Western are 'toxic' that must include me! So why has he been with me all this time? Has it all been a lie on his part? A pretence? Was this an excuse to end the relationship because of some other issue? Please be gentle with me if possible as I feel like I am in bits here.

Janey50 Sun 20-Nov-16 18:37:40

Oh well I THOUGHT I had NC but it doesn't seem to have worked. Oh well in the great scheme of things,it doesn't really matter. Things couldn't feel any worse for me at the moment.

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 18:41:33

Janey, why were you texting him? At the very least you should have let him calm down.

So he was drinking despite being Muslim?

I can't say anything about what he says without being banned by MNHQ, I'm afraid, but I wouldn't be welcoming him back.

SandyY2K Sun 20-Nov-16 18:43:32

I wouldn't say Nigeria is a Muslim country, but your man doesn't sound like a very nice person.

It does amaze me how people choose the aspects of their religion to follow though.

likeaZombie Sun 20-Nov-16 18:54:02

Nigeria isn't a Muslim country. There are a proportion of Muslims in the population but I believe it is a mostly Christian catholic country.
I think your instinct this was just an excuse to end the relationship could be correct, either way he sounds nasty.

Olympiathequeen Sun 20-Nov-16 19:01:37

I wonder if he has been talking with friends and in a way become 'radicalised' as it seems such a sudden change in his attitude? To be fair he does have a point about Muslims being demonised and western interference in Muslim countries, but both are very black and white opinions and neither are truly representative of the truth. Maybe talk to him about why he feels the way he does. Maybe he had just been racially abused? If he grew up in Somalia it's possible these were the views he grew up with and sometimes they are strong ingrained beliefs. If this is completely out of character I'd try to get to the bottom of it and see if you can reassure him.

Janey50 Sun 20-Nov-16 19:20:06

* Ooh* - I waited several hours before texting him. From my past experience with his flare-ups,he usually calms down pretty quickly. Although admittedly,this is the worst I have ever seen from him. Regarding the drinking despite being a Muslim,yes,I know! That is what I was always saying,but I made allowances/excuses for him that he was suffering a degree of PTSD,relating to his experiences in Somalia,and when I first got together with him,he would have nightmares and flashbacks. He said I was the first person that he had really opened up to about it,although there are still things he won't talk about. But suffice to say,what he has told me was pretty grim. Anyway,I am not saying that is a reason to turn to drink. Just trying to explain maybe why he did,to forget things.
SandyY2K and likeaZombie - I had an idea that Nigeria isn't a purely Muslim country,but a mix of Christian and Muslim. And re.the 'cherry picking' aspects of religion,yes I totally get that and have said the same to him before he gave up drinking. I think his conscience eventually got the better of him. And maybe I should resign myself to the fact that that is probably what he has done with regard to me,i.e. that he shouldn't actually be in a relationship with a woman that is not a Muslim. So he has forced the issue like this. I would have appreciated it if he had just been honest with me rather than doing it like this. I can't get my head round the idea that he thinks of me as a 'toxic' westerner. And maybe always has done.

CalleighDoodle Sun 20-Nov-16 19:30:06

He probably just said that in anger. I can see why he got defensive. But on e youve said about the frequency of thus behaviour it is probably beat to end the relationship regardless of the specifics of this row.

creativevoid Mon 21-Nov-16 10:25:47

Off topic but most people "cherry pick" aspects of their religion. How many divorced Catholics do you know?

Trifleorbust Mon 21-Nov-16 10:56:20

He can think what he likes. 'Serious ingratitude'? A bit of a high-handed attitude, don't you think? You made a somewhat generalising comment that he disagreed with and then insisted you were right. He got annoyed and made another generalising comment. It's up to you whether you let this sort of disagreement destroy your relationship.

Dowser Mon 21-Nov-16 11:09:43

I'd be more worried about these angry flare ups than religion to be fair.
What do you get out of the relationship op?
Does this man light up your life with happiness and joy?

From your op it sounds like you walk on egg shells quite a bit of the time.

gamerchick Mon 21-Nov-16 11:17:26

I dunno going on your post it sounds like you repeatedly poked the wasp nest and are surprised when you got stung.

If this sort of stuff is regular then maybe you're not compatible.

Thefitfatty Mon 21-Nov-16 11:29:43

To be fair to him there are lots of women's sports teams in the Muslim world. So he was right.

As for the rest of it.....hmm doesn't sound like either of you have much respect for the other.

user1471950254 Mon 21-Nov-16 11:58:28

I think he lacks respect for you to have spoken to you like that! Also not impressed with the way he spoke about the west from someone who has lived here so long and as you said fled from an unsafe country to e here.

TheStoic Mon 21-Nov-16 12:05:39

You each seem to have serious problems with the other's culture. Doesn't sound like a recipe for relationship success.

ravenmum Mon 21-Nov-16 12:20:57

Sounds like he probably would be happier with someone from a similar background to him.

I just live in Germany, so the people around me are not that culturally different - but even the little differences can be enough to make you feel quite paranoid, with a little voice saying that you are an outsider, and none of the people around you can understand how you feel. One person makes some inane comment and you think that everyone else around you must think like that. And if you complain about something that even locals don't like either, you are told that you're ungrateful for the hospitality shown by your new country - as if being a foreigner means never being allowed to criticise anything again. Even if you were just forced to live abroad by circumstances and didn't actually want to be a permanent foreigner.

I've learned to live with the local culture pretty well, but there are some expats I know who are so bitter that they spend almost every conversation complaining about the locals. Even if you do your best to work against the paranoia it's not unusual to have the odd moment of anger or frustration and say something stupid.

So I can kind of sympathise with this bloke. Obviously you know better than I do if he's an arsehole or not, but I wouldn't see it as him lying, necessarily, more like him still having trouble with being a foreigner, and momentarily feeling like all the west is against him, when he doesn't usually feel that way.

Sounds like he wants to end it, anyway, which might not be such a bad idea for either of you...

Janey50 Mon 21-Nov-16 13:52:54

Thank you everyone for your comments. On reflection, I think I was equally to blame,so it was a case of us both BU. He phoned me this morning,sounding very down. He said he was sorry,he hadn't meant what he said,he had said it in anger because he thought I was criticising his religion. He also said he couldn't live without me,that I was the love of his life. I apologised too btw,and said I wasn't criticising his religion as a whole,just an aspect of it that has never sat easily with me,i.e. the way it downgrades and oppresses women,and regards them as second-class citizens. After all,HE was the one that said (joking apparently) about a year ago,that 'a man was worth 2 women'.I blew my top at this and he back-tracked,saying he had said it because he knew I would over-react! Ha ha very funny. Talk about 'poking the wasps'nest'. I think we are both as bad as each other. He said he regards women as his equals in every way,he has 5 sisters and he has every respect for them. Obviously HE was brought up in a culture that doesn't downgrade women,unfortunately,I don't think this is the case in all Muslim families. Anyway,we have decided to spend a bit of time apart,not a 'trial separation' as such (how I hate that term!) but a bit of time-out. He's going to stay at his cousin's for the rest of the week,and probably come back on Saturday afternoon for the weekend. And we will take it from there. Thanks again everyone for your input and making me get off my high horse.

Ellisandra Mon 21-Nov-16 13:57:10

Sounds like you both need to educate yourselves.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now