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Is this abusuve or is it my fault?

(143 Posts)
chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:07:18

Things have been getting increasingly worse between DH and I. We usually rumble along for a week or two with no issues, but when we spend "quality" time together e.g. dinner together we always end up rowing, usually about my family vs his family.

We had to move back to the Uk quickly at the start of the year so have been temporarily living with my parents (free of charge) whilst we sold our place and bought one here. We are due to exchange on that this week so the end of living with the inlaws is in sight.

Obviously it's not been easy for him living with them (even though my mum does everything for us eg takes baby monitor at weekends and does washing) because nobody wants to live with anyone else's parents. But I feel he's built up an undeserved hatred towards them and keeps trying to punish them for how much time they're spending with DS and DD - because his mum obviously doesn't get the same access.

Anyway today was another row, this time over lunch because he said he didn't want to see my parents for three months after we move in, and that his mum will do the twice weekly childcare for us over that period (that we planned the grandparents to do 50/50). I questioned this - just because I don't think banishing them from seeing the kids for 3 months is totally unfair (and something his mum hasn't had to endure) and he went mad. In front of the kids he called me:

- a pathetic cunt
- an embarrassment
- that I disgust him
- that if he was allowed to hit me, he would
- that I should look at myself to see why we don't have a sex life (ie I'm ugly)
- that DS was only asking him not to shout because I was brain dead and trained him to say it (I haven't, but he has heard me asking DH not to shout in the past).
- that he recently got thrush because I'm such a disgusting tramp (even though I've ever had thrush, ever)
- kept calling me a spinster, when I poinyed out that I wasn't as I was married he said that I fucking well should have been
- put on a moany voice and was saying "I never thought I would have children" (something I said when we first got together)

Meanwhile I didn't cover myself in glory - quite the opposite, albeit some way down the line after his tirade. When the kids were asleep in the back of the car I said I only had sex with him last night because I felt obliged and that I wouldn't go near his stinking cock (it doesn't!) voluntarily, that his mum would see less of the kids if he left me (which he was threatening to do), that I feared I had married the wrong person, corrected him when he referred to his parents - plural (he doesn't see his dad) and that my life in many ways would be easier without him as I wouldn't spend all my time consciously trying to avoid making him angry.

He then tried to go to his mum's for a few days and like a proper psycho I stood in the door on the car and begged him not to.

I know this is fucking awful and no, I don't want my kids seeing it and do all I can to avoid them doing so (including usually ignoring digs to avoid a row) and usually the rows are after bedtime, so they don't

But I guess my question is this: can there be any way back? Or do you think he's verbally or emotionally abusive? Or am I?

FYI. My radar is a bit skewed thanks to being previously (20 yrs ago) in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Also I suspect my self esteem is shit as I've been bulimic for over a decade (although am trying - with much success - to get over that myself)

RickOShay Sun 20-Nov-16 15:18:58

Oh sweetheart. You didn't deserve what he said to you. What was your relationship like before you moved in with your parents? Fwiw I think he is definitely the one with the problem, not you.

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:24:24

Not this bad but he's definitely been increasingly less kind than he used to be. I've told him I don't feel loved and he says it's my insecurity and issues and that he shouldn't have to tell me he loves me on demand.

He has a terrible temper which used to cause arguments - I didn't like him shouting and swearing and using racist language whilst watching football in front of DS. To be fair he has improved in that respect which I'm genuinely impressed with.

But his temper also means he says awful things, and he wins every row as he's just so bloody good at putting me in my place and twisting my words to suit him. Plus my memory is shit so I can't remember half the things he's said!

I don't really have a temper but when I go (exceptionally rarely) I really go - like today when I lay across his lap to try and stop him driving away...

Costacoffeeplease Sun 20-Nov-16 15:26:14

It sounds like you're now in another abusive relationship. I'd be running far and fast

Scooby20 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:28:19

I think know he is verbally abusive. And so are you.

Provocation isn't an excuse to verbally abuse someone.

I don't think know you are a bad person. I think you are stuck in a miserable marriage. But so are your kids.

It sounds truly awful. Why didn't you just let him go?

What he said was horrifying, what you said was awful. I don't see the point of discussing who was worse. That's not going to help you or the kids.

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:29:01

But don't you think what I said was just as bad? He would certainly think so.

I (calmly) told him a few months ago that I thought he was emotionally abusive and he laughed. I showed him a list of signs and he said every one applied to me too, except the one about driving too fast to scare a partner...

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:30:26

Sorry replied before seeing yours Scooby.

Yes I shouldn't have retaliated, I know that. If genuinely takes the patience of a saint not to though when someone is calling you a cunt repeatedly.

FWIW I feel awful and have apologised twice already.

BratFarrarsPony Sun 20-Nov-16 15:30:47

Honestly if this is the way you are talking to each other you shouldnt be together.
If I were you I would be making plans to leave.
This is so so bad for the children. In fact it would be counted as 'emotional abuse' by SS.

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:31:41

And I didn't want him to go because I knew that would be the end. I don't want to give up on the dream of a happy, together family.

Scooby20 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:32:01

I think some of the things you said were disgusting but so we're what he said. Especially about hitting you if he could

Does it matter who was worse, really?

If you both fit the criteria of an abuser, what are you both doing about it.

Abuse is complex. Abusers often push their victims to breaking point. But both of you could say the other has pushed and pushed the other. Abuse can often be argued from with side. He claims you instigate it, you say he does.

The marriage isn't working.

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:32:38

The kids were asleep for most of it, thankfully. But not all.

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 15:34:00

You're not going to have a happy, together family with this man, OP. It's not going to happen.

You should have let him go. The way he spoke to you in front of the children was disgraceful. You need to protect yourself and the children from him.

Scooby20 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:34:04

You don't have a happy family.

When you and your home are abusing each other the kids are being abused to. Not that it's directed at them. But they are suffering it too.

Trust me. I grew up in a house like yours. It damages kids. My mum often thought we didn't hear what she said when she thought we couldn't hear/asleep too. If they haven't heard you already they will soon.

chicolatta Sun 20-Nov-16 15:34:46

Oh and I don't think I fit the profile of an abuser, at all. But today I lost it. That is very very rare.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 20-Nov-16 15:35:27

This isn't a dream, happy family, it's a nightmare, what is there to salvage, really?

Hermonie2016 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:36:01

That's sounds awful. What usually happens after a row, does he acknowledge he was cruel? I just feel somethings shouldn't be said to the person you supposedly love.I would struggle to get over that and certainly if this happens on a regular basis it's abusive.
Out of interest why did you try to stop him?

I think it would have been better to let you both have space to calm down.

He seems to be over reacting to your mum (deep in securities) and I just wonder if once you moved out he would have changed his mind about the 3 month rule (which was ridiculous and unfair).

I would recommend you start journalling these incidents, it was only when I realised I had 4 years of a repeated pattern, that was getting worse did I decide to separate.Sometimes you need to be confronted by the awful nature of the relationship by reading back what happens that causes you to take action.

I just got to the stage when I knew nothing would actually change and I felt I deserved better.

QuoteMeYouFuckers Sun 20-Nov-16 15:36:49

And I didn't want him to go because I knew that would be the end. I don't want to give up on the dream of a happy, together family.
Do you honestly, really think that this dream will ever come true for you with him? In your place I'd put the brakes on the house move and instead think about escaping.

Lweji Sun 20-Nov-16 15:38:39

Where do you go from what he said?
Can you (as a couple) recover from it?

I'll be kind on you and say that whereas you weren't right to retaliate, I can see why you did it. Many women think they are not abused because they give (as a reaction) as much as they take.
I'll also say that what you said and did doesn't cancel his first outburst. It was awful.
The problem is that you took it to start with. It shouldn't have happened.
Imagine you said nothing in return and work from there.

I'll also point this out:
that he recently got thrush because I'm such a disgusting tramp (even though I've ever had thrush, ever)
Ask yourself why and how he got thrush. Could he have got it from someone else?
Because in context, it would make sense with the way he's talking to you.

BratFarrarsPony Sun 20-Nov-16 15:38:53

This dream is not going to come true is it?
Sorry to sound harsh - I have also been in an abusive marriage. He abused me and I abused him.
Divorce was the best option.

RickOShay Sun 20-Nov-16 15:39:22

I think the op was pushed into saying what she did. He doesn't want the children don't see their grandparents for 3 months. When the op questioned this, he calls her a cunt. I don't think she is the one with the problem here.

Lucked Sun 20-Nov-16 15:41:17

Do not exchange the house or all your money will be tied up in a new house. I know it is a shitty think to do to the vendors but you need to speak to your soilicter tomorrow and put some breaks on or find out your options.

BratFarrarsPony Sun 20-Nov-16 15:41:23

oh yes he sounds much worse...

RebelRogue Sun 20-Nov-16 15:42:29

He's an abusive cunt for talking to you the way he did. "I'd hit you if i could " is a massive red flag. You're a bit daft stopping him leaving. It's what he wanted. Not just that but how does it feel knowing he stayed because you wouldn't let him go?
Truth is he relationship is toxic,and the real victims here are the children. Divorce,go your separate ways and try to be happy on your own...if not for yourselves,then for your children.

Beebeeeight Sun 20-Nov-16 15:44:39

This is


Thank f* you are living at your parents so can chuck him out with no notice and without him having any rights to where you live.

Atenco Sun 20-Nov-16 15:45:03

Does it matter what label is applied to all this?

I have a fierce temper, but even at my angriest I may exaggerate a bit, but I never invent stuff and I always hold back any stuff that though true would destroy the other person.

And all this horrible stuff was said in front of your children?

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