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Life after a break up

(23 Posts)
flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 12:41:56

Hi just looking for advice or words of wisdom from anybody who has been through the same. Split up with ex partner my choice due to mood swings anger outbursts me constantly treading on egg shells we had stable periods in betweeen mainly elongated by me towing the line not having an opinion or disagreeing with him. Anyway my choice go leave have 3 year old Ds and am in rented accommodation. Ex partner tried to get me back but never admitted he was ever EA. I'd brought up his behaviour many times and nothing ever changed so despite his begging I said no. When I first left I was on a high and probably maybe an adrenaline rush everything felt good and new exciting fast forward 6 months I feel down don't miss ex just not happy happy as in lonely boredom trying to also keep ds happy who is a happy child but also having terrible 2,s / 3's. Sat here thinking did I go through all this break up just to feel like this. Should I have just stayed and put up with stuff so my son could have both parents albeit me just pretending and suppressing my opinions and being shouted at. I do tend to suffer from SAD most years some I've been lucky. Just not sure how I'm supposed to feel. As a single parent I can get by on my wages and maintenance and have some spending money for days out etc clothes. I worry for the future in that I'll be stuck in rented forever never be able to buy again. I also feel guilty for taking my son away from his dad even though he still has him overnight 2-3 nights a week. I suppose I'm looking for reassurances life does get better post break up but I suppose nobody can tell me that.

SortAllTheThings Sun 20-Nov-16 12:46:43

No reassurances from me on afraid, I think I'm probably in the same place you are right now. Had the initial high after finally leaving my EA partner, all was good for a little while, but 6 months down the line I'm also a bit low. I don't regret the decision to leave, but totally get the lonely/bored feeling. I also have a 3yo and life just feels a bit overwhelming at the moment

noego Sun 20-Nov-16 12:50:05

It's wonderful. These doubts will surface and SAD won't help. find your true self, start dropping the conditioned person you had become. You have liberated yourself from an unhappy existence. DO NOT create another unhappy existence by doubting yourself. Be the vibrant, wonderful human being that you are.

flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 12:52:01

Sortallthethings wow so we are both in the same boat. What made you leave your ex and how long were you together ?

flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 12:53:46

No ego thanks for the kind words and yes I was conditioned that's the word for it just went along with what he wanted to keep the peace and avoid kick offs on everything even dinner choices I was not allowed to cook anything I fancied but he also would not meal plan with me or make a shopping list but would kick off if I cooked something he didn't like

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Sun 20-Nov-16 13:01:25

Mind if I lurk, Op? I don't have any advice, but think I will need some flowers

ocelot7 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:14:15

I had my worst ever moment/day 6 months after a breakup when I ran into him with another woman. I was horrified that I didn't seem to have moved on at all sad But 2 months later the clouds began to lift & I started to feel myself again. A year down the line now & I am fine, just shudder at various anniversaries around now.
You will get there - it certainly sounds like you did the right thing!

flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:14:29

Of course xxx

noego Sun 20-Nov-16 13:14:36

And now you can do WTF you like. It takes a while to break the habit from being submissive to a life existence that had become the routine. Bit like reaching for the fags or the wine. But slowly and surely day by day your freedom becomes more and more obvious and enjoyable.

DO NOT judge yourself by your past. You don't live there anymore.

Hermonie2016 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:22:12

I think there are stages and cycles when you go from feeling content to fear about the future.Its natural as it's a major transition and you don't just switch from one state (married) to another (single).

I think it can take 2 years to go through it, it certainly was like that for me on a previous breakup.

Your thoughts create your feelings so try to just observe them and switch your focus onto the positive in your new life. Such as cooking what you want, when you want.Have a few positive mantras that move you into your future, if home ownership is your focus then keep feeling positive it will happen.
Also reflect on what you have learnt.I have left EA relationship, saying that used to make me cry but now I can say it without the awful feelings.

As painful as it is you have learnt something from this experience and through that you will grow.

Carlinamoon1 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:23:20

I can relate to so much of this too, divorce came through very quickly in June and the house was sold in August. I'm in rented accommodation but with two older teenage daughters. I have moved to a new town (not too far from where I used to live) and have lots of friends but they are all married/attached. So after the initial high of getting out of an abusive relationship I feel a bit lonely sometimes. I know it's the best decision, my only regret is not getting rid sooner but I do worry about the future sometimes. I'd be interested to hear from others who are a few years down the line and happy.

ocelot7 Sun 20-Nov-16 13:30:24

Carlina time to start rebuilding your social life then you'll have something nice to look forward to. Its difficult to find someone to do things with when the world seems to be full of couples. I got sick of asking people to do things together but started volunteering at various art events so I get to see whatever it is (for free!) and it feels good to be part of the team as well as getting to know new people. I'm sure this could work for other interests too smile

SortAllTheThings Sun 20-Nov-16 14:59:41

Flower - it's so difficult isn't it. Hmm, I left him because he was a selfish, unreliable, alcoholic controlling bastard. It went on for a long time, but the final straw was when he started on the kids. Once that happened I got my ducks in a row, and asked him to move out. We were together 10 years.

flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 18:52:48

Mine was 13 years. Mine drank too daily about 6 cans more at weekends. Smoked weed daily. Which I think caused the mood swings ?!

SortAllTheThings Sun 20-Nov-16 19:12:46

It was the jekyll and Hyde effect with mine. Was largely ok when sober, but a total shithead when drunk. He'd drink at inappropriate times, and I could never rely on him to be around, or to be sober when he was. I ended up isolated because I couldn't really make plans without him sabotaging them. Couldn't have my kids growing up around that, so he had to go. I don't regret my decision for a second, but life is certainly quite boring and lonely.

I'm hoping things will be better once winter is over. I'll plan a couple of short trips away, so we have something to look forward to. Trying to concentrate on long term plans, but everything feels very limited at the moment.

flowerbomb1982 Sun 20-Nov-16 19:42:56

Sortallthethings I feel exactly the same.

With my ex I stopped going out with him in the end. For the last few years would attend weddings alone never took him as a plus one as he would always get drunk and kick off. Countless fights. Always starting on taxi drivers etc. No way to live for me. Funnily enough he is fine around others and DS it must be just me he reserved it all for.

SortAllTheThings Sun 20-Nov-16 19:55:36

Same here. Last time we went anywhere together was 3 years ago, and it was just awful. I mean, I like a drink too, but I don't turn into an massive arsehole just because I've had a few.

I keep randomly getting really angry. Various anniversaries/birthdays/events obviously crop up as the year passes, each one upsets me. Like writing just my name in birthday cards, or having to organise a party by myself.

noego Sun 20-Nov-16 23:05:42

Its been 4 years for me. I didn't really know how controlled I was until I was on my own. It still took a while to get out of the habit of certain things. Silly things really. Like cleaning the house, because worried about comments. It took a while to sort of say. If it don't get done today it'll get done tomorrow. Difficult to describe really.
But now its great. I do exactly what I want when I want. Its not just about being physically free it's also bout being psychologically free. No hangs up about anything.
I am now non monogamous, poly and in open relationships. No aggro what so ever. More mature and adult relationships with honest and open people. It's not for everyone, but it certainly suits me. AND that's what matters.

flowerbomb1982 Mon 21-Nov-16 06:23:10

Noego I had problems with the house being clean too ! My ex would make comments or kick off. I literally spent my whole time clearing up tidying etc and on my one day off a week did a deep clean but he always found fault . He would say stuff like what have u been doing all day the house is filthy. When I'd given birth we came home from hospital and he said oh the windows are dirty and started to clean them then kicked off because he couldn't find the plug for the window vac. Literally been in the house 5 mins home from hospital. Xmas day would say things like can we have a quick tidy up clean up please.

whatminniedidnext Mon 21-Nov-16 06:32:40

OP I am in the same boat. I left an EA relationship two months ago and I also have two toddlers. One is going through terrible twos. I feel your pain but the only thing I can advise you is this:

When you start doubting your decision to leave, think of everything you don't have to live with now your ex has left your life. For me, this means I am no longer repeatedly called a fat fucking bitch, told no one likes me and I have no friends, that I'm not confident or sporty enough. No one shouts in my face with their face twisted in anger and then says I am answering back when I try to defend myself. My weight / food choices are my own and not subject to constant scrutiny. I can see my lovely family without him being nasty and saying horrible things about each and every one of them so that actually I try to avoid seeing them for fear of his ugly reaction. I no longer have to have sex with him because he knew "i wanted it" when actually I didn't. No one tells me I'm a shit mum because I can't tidy the entire (large) house and clean it top to bottom whilst he's at work and I'm at home looking after two babies. No one tells me I sit at home on my fat arse all day. No one grabs me "playfully" in a way that actually hurts / pushes the small of my back against the edge of the kitchen counter in a "hug" and then calls me a wimp if I tell him it hurts. No one grabs me during an argument and leaves me badly bruised and then storms out of the house.

Oh - and my ex has a professional well paid job and is a charmer to the outside world. He doesn't drink often (he was actually nicer when he did drink!) and he doesn't take drugs. So it takes all sorts really.

Things are harder in some ways now: my two DC were ill / vomiting with a bad virus during the initial stages of the separation, which was so so hard to deal with alone (DM came up to help for a few days though), he is still trying to control me from outside the relationship via the kids.... it isn't easy but it is EASIER without him IYSWIM and slowly I am rebuilding my life and my confidence.

If you can tell as many friends / family as you can about your ordeal, I'm sure you will find you soon have a huge support network, if you haven't already. Having people who you can offload to sometimes really helps. flowers

whatminniedidnext Mon 21-Nov-16 06:39:21

I think the cleaning thing is a classic example in an abusive relationship of how abusers have unrealistic expectations which you can never meet in a million years. You get exhausted trying to please them / stop them from kicking off and then to make things worse they then put you down with name calling and criticism to chip away at your confidence until you are reduced to nothing.. it is a way of ultimately controlling and manipulating you, and it is but one of the strings in an abuser's bow.

I am reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That and things are slowly becoming clearer!

noego Mon 21-Nov-16 08:30:47

For me it's total liberation. Total freedom. All the conditioning and programming from an early age has gone. The stereotypical role that is supposed to be played. Whether you are female or male. Grow up, get married, get house, have kids, live in a box, do the 9-5. He works and provides. She stays at home cooking, cleaning, ironing, teacher, babysitter, taxi driver, sex provider when required etc etc etc. If you have a male that objectify women you are f**ked. The expectation is so high for you to be the little women at home. This sort of behaviour has been handed down from generation t generation. It can only be stopped by good parenting and teaching children that there is more to life than what is supposedly termed "normal"
Now that have undone all of that programming so I feel liberated, free, powerful, much more of a being, less "humanised" I actually feel more loving, compassionate, empathetic, feel natural, have slowed down, now I feel the wind on my face, more in touch with my senses, more in touch with my sexuality. These emotions and feelings I didn't really have time for in the past. It is like the true me was being obscured trying to keep up with all of the requirements expected of me.
Now its so different. I have discovered an adult world where people are open and honest. I have relationships that are open, Discovered that non-monogamy suits me, discovered that a polyamorous life style suits me. There is no jealousy, We are all independent, Meet for coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, go to the movies, have days out. They come to see me not my furniture or how clean the house is. I have discovered I am sapio-sexual, become more experienced sexually, explored more, been shown more, its never forced, or obligated, It is my choice when, where and how. I know to a lot of people it isn't normal. but I tried the normal and it's F**king boring. I lived the nasty, now I am living the sweet. I cannot express how liberated I feel. All thanks to someone who liberated me. My guru, my avatar, If you want to get rid of the monkey mind. Go see a spiritual therapist, guide, teacher, mentor. One who can put you in touch with your TRUE SELF. One who can teach you how to LOVE your self. I did and its the best thing I ever did.

flowerbomb1982 Mon 21-Nov-16 19:49:51

Fair play to you smile

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