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ExH and DS's weekends together - I've created a fucking monster

(53 Posts)
Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:22:43

We are separated and have been for 16 months. Ex lives with a family member and sleeps on their front room floor. He says he cannot afford to find a place of his own. I have suggested shared accommodation, a granny annex, living with his girlfriend (none of my business, I know, but I am at my wit's end). But he is in financial mess and cannot get his own place, he says.

To make things easier for me, I have let Ex stay at mine when it is his weekend with our son. On the whole we sort of work okay together, however, Ex is unpredictable in his moods and he has caused real upset sometimes for me by doing things like opening my post, taking stuff he thought was his but was mine, looking at my computer history etc.

DS sometimes goes to stay at his dad's. It used to happen more so in the early days of our separation than now.On the whole DS does not like going to stay at his aunt's but he will every now and then.

It works fine if I am seeing someone and I am not going to be home, (I had been for a while) but I want time alone at home without DS sometimes. Ex says that he cannot accommodate our son at his sister's or he has to ask her first - which i accept. Surely that is not my problem, though? If it is his weekend to have DS then the accommodation problems are his not mine! Especially after 16 fucking months!

His stuff is all still at the house (tenancy agreement is now in my name so the house is mine, though he lived here previously) and I want him to stop staying at mine when he has our son and to take all his stuff. If I stop it, he will not have our son overnight - or at least will not have him overnight regularly. He says he cannot take his stuff because he has nowhere to keep it.

I don't want to have to scuttle off to stay with a friend when he is here! I want to enjoy my time alone in my house without my son once every now and then.

So: I have to bite the bullet and tell Ex he cannot stay here anymore and if he wants DS overnight he has to make a plan of some sort. Right?

Help, please What do I do?

neonrainbow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:26:28

Yeah. Maybe you taking a stand will force him to get his act together. At the moment why would he? He gets you to do all the thinking for him and he gets unfettered access to your house and all your private stuff so he can control you. Pack all his shit up and tell him from now on access will take place elsewhere.

mumonashoestring Sun 20-Nov-16 09:28:40

All you can really do is tell him, in plain language, that 16 months is quite long enough to have started to sort himself out and that you can no longer provide free storage or accommodation for him. Set a date, maybe Christmas? Tell him that on that day, unless he's arranged storage and removed his stuff, you'll be putting it all outside. Also, he's no longer going to be staying overnight at your place - he can arrange something with family members, or he can finally sort himself out some accommodation but that that is down to him, not you.

How old is your son?

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:33:23

DS is 12.

I know what I have to do. I just lack the courage of my convictions. A friend said it would be short term pain for a longer term relief, and I realise that. but Ex will be a goddam nightmare. I am tired of being scared of him and his moods.

Cricrichan Sun 20-Nov-16 09:33:45

Agree with pp.

SandyY2K Sun 20-Nov-16 09:36:21

Your home isn't a storage unit, but he can get it put in storage if he has nowhere else. Put it in writing to him. That he has x amount of time to remove his property, otherwise it will be disposed of.

I wouldn't be vacating my home to let him have an overnight stay with your son. I'd just make babysitting arrangements if I want to go out and stay late.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:44:16

I know, I know.

I will need hand holding when I do this. How did I cope before MN?

OFFFS Sun 20-Nov-16 09:47:17

Watching with interest. Similar situation here.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:50:47

OFFFS - it's hard, isn't it? My sister said that it is only as difficult as I make it out to be. How old is your child/ren?

OFFFS Sun 20-Nov-16 09:51:43

I've set Christmas as a deadline (in my head, I've not said it outloud because I'm scared of the fall out and I have made plans and I don't want him to veto them).

RandomMess Sun 20-Nov-16 09:53:36

So you haven't actually got rid of your ex or his nasty controlling bullying ways...

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:54:03

EXACTLY as I have! I know that if I set a deadline now he will cock things up for me - like not arriving to collect DS or something similar. He has form for this.

So, yes, I know what to do, but I know that he will make like as unbearable for me as possible in the interim.

FockerFun Sun 20-Nov-16 09:54:19

I had this exact same problem & culminated in the ex sleeping in my brand new fucking bed when i was away angry i absolutely hated having to leave the house when he was here, i wandered round town for hours when there was things at home needed sorting (uniform washing for one! He'd leave the place a state)
He's in a flat which he said he wasnt allowed children in hmm
I put a stop to it and after a few months of huffing & puffing (punishing me basically) he sorted it out & now has them eow

I think you're making it easy for him & he has no reason to sort out ACC for him & ds

Stop the arrangement & expect a few months (? Weeks?) of him not having ds. Hopefully it'll force him to sort it out

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:54:32

RandomMess, no, I haven't. I haven't done so.

OFFFS Sun 20-Nov-16 09:54:53

I have four - 9 to 15. 9 yo is suffering from separation anxiety and I'm trying to tackle it. She doesn't really have a relationship with her dad, the others do but only on his terms. They have very low expectations.

He's just told me of his plans to go away for a week with his mates and then another with his gf. He's also just told me that the one night day in Dec he has the DCs he is taking just one of them to a football match.

I am currently fluctuating between tears of frustration and throwing things at the wall. I am beyond furious.

OFFFS Sun 20-Nov-16 09:57:13

Nothabingfun. I'm sorry you are in this position, but I a little reassured to know it's not just me. We need to be the brave strong women we really are!

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:57:33

God, that's awful for you, OFFFS. What a fucking arsehole he is. I am sorry that you're in such a mess.

RandomMess Sun 20-Nov-16 09:57:47

He's totally shown you whilst he can't be trusted in your home. You may have to accept that you don't ever have DS free time overnight but that isn't your problem. Far better to put some healthy boundaries in place.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 09:58:19

Brave and strong... now you're making me want to cry because I seldom feel either of them!

43percentburnt Sun 20-Nov-16 10:00:25

Think of it this way: at the moment you are kindly letting him use your house as free storage. Letting him stay there for free overnight to facilitate him seeing his son. Yet he repays you by being 'unpredictable' with his moods and searching your computer history.

Being nice doesn't make him give you a quiet or easy life. He is still a fuckwit.

He is over 18 you are not his parent needing to bail him out. He should stand on his own 2 feet. Email a 30 day notice regarding the possessions, tell him contact changes with immediate effect and do not let him cross the threshold of your house again.

Lastly - is he paying at least the minimum CMS? If not put the claim in on Monday. Change the overnights the minute he texts you and says he cannot have ds overnight anymore. Don't plead, beg etc with him, just let him pay the extra.

You never know he may improve...

RandomMess Sun 20-Nov-16 10:01:16

Sadly it sounds like you both need to accept that your Ex don't actually love their DC it's just something else to control you with.

It is not bad mouthing their Dad to say "it's your Dad's responsibility to sort out where to take you and somewhere to live to have you stay, just like it is mine to afford a home for you to stay with me most of the time" do not be afraid to tell your DC when their Dad is lying...

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 10:02:23

My first step in taking control was taking him to CMS. The amount he paid was increased by 5%. He is being a prick and is going to try to get it reduced on the grounds that he has to travel 45 min one way to see DS and because he pays to take him out. They have take aways probably 3 times a weekend when they are together. FFS.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 10:03:40

RandomMess, you are right to a large extent. The way Ex broke the news to my DS that we were splitting up was shameful. I will never forgive him for that. You are right.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sun 20-Nov-16 10:04:13

The ridiculous thing is that the fucker doesn't even like me! It is clear as day! He has neither liked me nor loved me for years, yet he behaves that way.

QuarterMileAtATime Sun 20-Nov-16 10:06:12

I am in a similar situation also. I have the Decree Nisi now, so my light at the end of the tunnel is February when I can buy him out of the house so he'll have a deposit for a flat big enough to have the kids overnight. I'm not finding getting out once a week as difficult as his moods during the additional contact we have due to the situation...and it is enabling him to continue to be dependent on me in a lot of ways that should really have stopped by now. Also have most of his stuff here still. I have now fixed a schedule as the flexibility of when he'd come was driving me mad and only really benefiting him.
flowers Good luck - he needs a reason to sort out his situation.

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